The New Intimacy

how do you make love stay?

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Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
is it possible to prolong that state of being 'in love?'

or will it stay as long or as fleetingly as it wishes?


how do you know you've fallen out of love?

how do you bring the life back? can you?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
i don't think one can make love stay. it stays if it's meant to.
LikeSunshineDust , mizzmilla , geliebt , CAKES , unfulfilled , jjdd , TameTemptress , TheSlyFox , K101 , Cherrylane , IslandGoddess , StephieBoo02 , Rhinobaby , Gingy , Highmaintenancegirl916 , leelee , ~LaUr3n~ , voenne , potstickers , novanilla , deltalima , SavingMyself , NavyDoll87 , Mrs.Tee
24
it takes lots of work, and i'll tell you below how to make love stay.
Kkay , indiglo , Illumin8 , Ryuson , nancylanier , Peggi , FaerieLove , Ansley , P'Gell , DeliciousSurprise , Redboxbaby , padmeamidala , LaLaLouise , ParisLove , married with children , Adriana Ravenlust , AngelvMaynard , darthkitt3n , zracer , slynch , oldhippy , jjdd , ellejay , Eucaly , Jaimes , Sunshineamine , Cherrylane , justanotherwoman , The Curious Couple , sausagelover , Jon S , StephieBoo02 , Airen Wolf , Rhinobaby , BlooJay , MissCandyland , Tangerine , DreamWolf , dhig , deltalima , SavingMyself
41
i have a different philosophy.
AndroAngel , Gunsmoke , Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama , RememberMe
4
what the hell are you smoking tonight, alice?
aliceinthehole
1
Total votes: 70 (64 voters)
Poll is closed
09/14/2011
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Contributor: Kkay Kkay
I do think that it takes work, but there isn't a magic formula that everyone can apply. It takes communication and both partners genuinely wanting it.
09/14/2011
Contributor: Illumin8 Illumin8
I hate to sound like I'm just repeating what Kkay just said, but I agree. It's something that is going to be different in each relationship. But I fully believe that it takes a hell of a lot of work some days, and a lot less on others.
09/14/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Kkay
I do think that it takes work, but there isn't a magic formula that everyone can apply. It takes communication and both partners genuinely wanting it.
what! no magic formula?

shit.


i mean, i honestly believe that loving someone and being 'in love' with someone are two different things. you can love someone forever but how the hell does that passionate, energetic feeling stick around?

lately we've just been so fucking blah. i feel like together we turn into a mush of laziness. apart for a few days and i'm a different person. i create, i move, i act, i react. together i am often stuck in my bed when we're not together, napping away the sunshining hours til we can be together again, or until i go to work and am obligated to do something else. it's pathetic.

we've tried a 'break' and it worked... for a short time. now it's back to the old grind. god i love him. but are we good for eachother? can we be?

fuck this is hard.
09/14/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
That is for sure Kkay! I totally agree. It takes a lot of work, and it isn't always pretty. Sometimes it feels like you're down fighting in the trenches, but if you're both working together, then at least you're in the trenches together. There's no magic formula, but certain things are always important, like being very, very honest when communicating, knowing that your partner cannot and will not ever be able to read your mind, accept the blame when you've made a misstep and genuinely ask for forgiveness, be willing to generously forgive, don't keep track of mistakes or slights, respect your partner's dignity even when you're mad as hell and so many other things that are impossible to enumerate here.

You can stay in love for a lifetime, but it will not happen automatically. You will constantly work on it together, and both people have to be equally dedicated to doing the hard work.
09/14/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
what! no magic formula?

shit.


i mean, i honestly believe that loving someone and being 'in love' with someone are two different things. you can love someone forever but how the hell does that passionate, energetic ... more
Have you talked to your partner about this? Maybe you can come up with a plan together to help motivate each other to get up and do things?
09/14/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
Have you talked to your partner about this? Maybe you can come up with a plan together to help motivate each other to get up and do things?
yeah, we've talked. i mean. i've talked. and talked and talked and talked till i'm blue in the face.

he's willing to work on things. he's willing to listen to ideas. but acting upon them together is something that we've been unable to do.

say, starting to go to the gym. 2x a week together and 1x a week apart. we've both wanted to do it, mostly i've been pushing for it but. still... we've not actually done it. i feel this would help with so much... my depression, our mutual inactivity, our energy levels, our sex lives. neither of us have the energy or discipline to stick with it.
09/14/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
yeah, we've talked. i mean. i've talked. and talked and talked and talked till i'm blue in the face.

he's willing to work on things. he's willing to listen to ideas. but acting upon them together is something that we've ... more
You're right, it probably would really help with all those things. I think that's the toughest part of starting a new exercise regime, or a diet, or any major life change. Momentum is what keeps you going, and right now the momentum of not doing anything is keeping you stationary. It's really hard to get over that hump and get yourself into a spot where your momentum will help you. I sure do wish you the best!
09/14/2011
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
As a lot of people would say, communicate! A lot! Other than that, it depends on the couple.
09/14/2011
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
I have to agree with whoever said that it was different for each relationship. For Alan and I there's a lot of natural chemistry involved that seems to make it easier for us than for some couples. Either that or we've just been together so long that it's gotten easier for us to go with the flow as a 2-person team.

I can't give you any magic formula for your situation, but I can tell you that for us the most useful tactics have been keeping the communication lines open and NOT living in each others' pockets. Alan and I are together a LOT, and some people say that we're so alike that it's scary at times. But he enjoys hobbies, friends, and activities that I have no interest in at all, and vice versa. Somehow it makes him even more attractive and exciting to me when I see him doing his own thing, if that makes sense. Individuality is important, because it's probably a large part of what drew you to each other to begin with.
09/14/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
I have to agree with whoever said that it was different for each relationship. For Alan and I there's a lot of natural chemistry involved that seems to make it easier for us than for some couples. Either that or we've just been together so ... more
"Individuality is important, because it's probably a large part of what drew you to each other to begin with. "

amen. we're so bad about trying to spend so much time together. it's getting better but... it's still a bit ridiculous. i try to drag him to my favorite gay clubs and he wants me to go to his favorite heavy metal band's incredibly dangerous concert. alright so i did go, and i did have a good time.

i need to put more energy back into myself. and trust and all that jazz. when i'm alone i'm pouting that we're not together, or i try to hang out with other friends so that i'm not alone... but given a few days out of that cycle and i'm really so different.

thanks to everyone for the awesome encouragement.


looks like i've still got alot of work to do. on me AND 'us.'
09/14/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
I think that for each couple it is different, you will have to both work at it for it to end up working out, no matter what, but for every couple there are going to be different methods to not let the love there "die".

You have to get to know what your partner expects of you, and what they like. You have to show them, at least once in a while, that you are trying your best, (though I think you should do this all the time!) and you definitely need to let them know you appreciate them!
09/14/2011
Contributor: FaerieLove FaerieLove
In regards to making love stay I don't believe that you can make anyone stay. However, keeping a relationship strong is based on good communication, care and affection. If those 3 things aren't put forth on a daily basis any relationship will suffer.
09/14/2011
Contributor: LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
About 3 years into our relationship, I thought I lost J completely. We were in a rough patch, and I fucked up. It took a few months, but J decided he wanted to get through it together. I could have never made him do that. In fact, if I had tried to make him stay, it would have pushed him farther away from wanting to come back. That was a couple years ago now, and we're still very much "in love" with each other.
09/14/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
My husband and I are constantly reminding each other that we are the exception, not the rule. We really, really like each other. Like a lot, a lot.

Sure, we get on each other's nerves and have the occasional "did you really just say that" moment, but we're willing to look past it all and remember why we work so well together. Could I find someone to match me the way he does? Probability laws state it must be true. Do I want to even remotely think about it? Absolutely not!

I think the reason our relationship works so well and why we're still in love after all of these years is the simple and pure fact that we did it backwards. All of those bad things that people fear will destroy their relationship, we did them in the beginning. There was even a triad in there at one point in time.

Scientists say that being in love and the feeling of being in love has a honeymoon stage and that it will eventually go away. I don't believe that. I think in a lot of cases people are far too quick to settle down in a relationship because it works in the moment, but they don't really consider the scope of a longterm committment. They were in lust, not love and that's why the relationship fails. You have to be willing to grow and change with the relationship and if that doesn't happen, then there's nowhere left to go in the end and the relationship stagnates.
09/14/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
what! no magic formula?

shit.


i mean, i honestly believe that loving someone and being 'in love' with someone are two different things. you can love someone forever but how the hell does that passionate, energetic ... more
That "passionate energy" is going to ebb and flow. Sometimes you can't wait to tear each other clothes off and fuck like monkeys and then lie there in each others arms several times a day, other times, you just barely say "Hi." when you pass each other in the hall way, during dinner or even in the bed.

It isn't a static thing. Love is alive, it evolves, devolves, moves, and changes. It's dynamic and it also takes a lot of work. You can't make someone love you, I think you know that, but sometimes you are in a slump, it happens.

We've fucked our way out of slumps, sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes talking helps, sometimes one of you just want to shout "For the Love of G*d, Stop talking!" Sometimes you have to work on yourself more than on your lover, and sometimes you have to know when to lie low. After more than 20 years togehter we still don't always get it right, but we must be on the right track, or we wouldn't have been together, falling out and back into love again for decades. It IS possible, but you both have to be committed to working, trying, loving and knowing when to hold back a little, or a lot.

I know, that wasn't really specific, but I think if the two of you are really in love and desire the commitment and the long term crap that comes with being together forever, it works out with work, a lot of sex, and knowing when to shut up.

I don't have a smilie to end this.
09/14/2011
Contributor: CPTInsanity CPTInsanity
The formula that has worked pretty well for me is: find the right person + communication + understanding + treating her like she is my princess + keeping things fun + me doing half of the stupid crap that I did when I was 18-20= love lasting about 10 years so far.
09/14/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
That "passionate energy" is going to ebb and flow. Sometimes you can't wait to tear each other clothes off and fuck like monkeys and then lie there in each others arms several times a day, other times, you just barely say ... more
I can't remember who it was, but I think she was a famous actress. When asked what the key was to staying married for 40+ years she said:

"Never falling out of love at the same time." I always thought it was really poignant and a perfect way to sum it up.
09/14/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I can't remember who it was, but I think she was a famous actress. When asked what the key was to staying married for 40+ years she said:

"Never falling out of love at the same time." I always thought it was really poignant and a ... more
Wow, very well said!
09/14/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
My love isn't the roaring inferno of new love anymore, we've tamed it down to hot glowing embers, steady and stable, and I like it this way. Once it stops being so wild and spontaneous, it doesn't burn out as easily. We keep it alive, warm, and strong by feeding it with trust, mutual respect, open communication, and shared hardships. We learn and grow together, and I find this warm, safe love is better than firey passion.

If two people simply aren't compatible, there's nothing that can be done without one of them living a lie, but if two people are, they make small exceptions for each other, they trust each other, and they work together to build a strong love. Love is a doing word, not just an emotion.

This thing I've built with my lover has never been work, but it's certainly action. It takes doing, not feeling, to make love last.
09/14/2011
Contributor: LaLaLouise LaLaLouise
I'm pretty much repeating what has already been said by a few, it depends on the particular relationship, but in general you can expect to need to work on things. In my previous relationship, the guy genuinely loved me, I never doubted that. But he didn't pay attention to me or try to work on things when I told him he wasn't giving me things I needed. As head over heels in love with him as I was, I actually fell out of love with him because of it.

I've only been my new guy for a year and a half and it's already better than the last guy. If he does something that upsets me, or if I noticed that he's not doing something anymore that he used to, I know that I can talk to him about it and he won't get defensive or avoid the topic, he listens and genuinely cares about making me happy. And it's the same when he's upset, he knows he can talk to me.

So obviously, communication is important, but also acknowledging that we're not perfect and it's easy to do something (or stop doing something) without realizing it. You have every right to expect your significant other to listen to you when you need to talk, but only if you're willing to do the same.
09/14/2011
Contributor: ParisLove ParisLove
Quote:
Originally posted by Kkay
I do think that it takes work, but there isn't a magic formula that everyone can apply. It takes communication and both partners genuinely wanting it.
I agree
09/14/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
When I was in my 20s in my 1st marriage I thought 'I can make this work'.

Wrong - it was just a bad decision and no amount of 'work' was going to make it work.

Fast forward 10 years and I finally meet the person who have been married to for 22 years. Staying together is not work - we mesh, things just work because we're 'meant' to be together.

So to me if you're working really hard - it's the wrong person.

My parents fought and worked hard, they we're not meant to be together but they were. It was pretty ugly growing up in that environment.

I'm very grateful for the fact that they tried hard to raise us well in spite of their mutual dysfunction.
09/14/2011
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
When I was in my 20s in my 1st marriage I thought 'I can make this work'.

Wrong - it was just a bad decision and no amount of 'work' was going to make it work.

Fast forward 10 years and I finally meet the person who have ... more
But working hard does not necessarily mean fighting. Fighting FOR your relatis ionship can just mean putting the effort in to think of another person, to make sure you're showing your love and to curb the habits that might be okay when single but are detrimental to a relationship. Perhaps you're a much better person than I am but that type of work is something more people need to do no matter how much they love their partner. It's not an issue of "meant" to be or not (and that's a concept I find laughable to begin with). It's just the business of the relationship.

Sure some require less work but if you're willing to go the extra mile, even a relationship that is not as likely to succeed can.
09/17/2011
Contributor: mizzmilla mizzmilla
I feel like if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
09/17/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
But working hard does not necessarily mean fighting. Fighting FOR your relatis ionship can just mean putting the effort in to think of another person, to make sure you're showing your love and to curb the habits that might be okay when single but ... more
Adriana;

I'm not sure if we differ semantically or we just have a different experience. I don't find my relationship difficult and we don't fight on any level - but what ever works for you is great.
09/18/2011
Contributor: RonLee RonLee
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
When I was in my 20s in my 1st marriage I thought 'I can make this work'.

Wrong - it was just a bad decision and no amount of 'work' was going to make it work.

Fast forward 10 years and I finally meet the person who have ... more
You said a mouthful there.
I tried so damn hard with my spouse and due to what I suspect was mental illness she thought that I cheated every day for the last fifteen or more years of our twenty one year marriage. Sadly that suspected mental illness left me with only a poisonous look alike. She died of cancer June 2010. I was still in love with the person that I'd fallen in love with. I miss her still.
09/19/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
You said a mouthful there.
I tried so damn hard with my spouse and due to what I suspect was mental illness she thought that I cheated every day for the last fifteen or more years of our twenty one year marriage. Sadly that suspected mental ... more
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Here's to a better future.
09/20/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
You said a mouthful there.
I tried so damn hard with my spouse and due to what I suspect was mental illness she thought that I cheated every day for the last fifteen or more years of our twenty one year marriage. Sadly that suspected mental ... more
I am so sorry about your loss.
09/20/2011
Contributor: mcl272 mcl272
you can't make love stay! you can do things to prolong it. but, if you don't have that connection where 'love' isn't a problem then you just don't have it. i'd never want to make someone love me or stay with me! if it's meant to be it will be! yes, any relationship is work & things change over time. some people can keep the love they had in the beginning & some people cant, that's life.
09/20/2011