When he watches porn and I know it, then the next time we have sex I think that he is visualizing and/or fantasizing about those sluts on the computer while we are being intimate... Is this irrational?

Also I've told him a few times that I don't like how much he watches porn and jacks it... I was checking his history for a while (being really obsessive) and when I couldn't find anything I just figured that he wasn't doing it as much because he knew i didn't like it. I gave up after a while thinking what am I doing? This is natural, I have to leave him alone so I did for about 2 months.... About 2 months later, I caught him doing it again on an Ipod touch that he had hidden from me for god knows how long. I confronted him and asked him why he is hiding this from me and where it is. but he wont tell me anything and it only starts a fight... he tells me don't worry about it and that he's going to keep it hidden even though I know about it... I wanted to buy him a Fleshlight, but I don't want him hiding that from me if he is going to own one. I don't think that there should be anything hidden in a relationship. Do you think that this situation is as fucked up as I do? less

In some ways, I have felt very similarly to what you're describing.

My husband watched porn all the time before we got together, but made the choice on his own that he didn't need to any longer. HE made that choice, I didn't ask him to, but I was glad that he did. I've always worried about was going on in the mind of my husband and I have to fight with myself to not get upset at the thought that he *might* be thinking about someone other than me.

We tried watching porn once together and it was okay at first, but then he said something that really hurt me which made the experience not so great. Had he not said what he did, it wouldn't have been a horrible experience. Is that something you could consider trying?

I'm not the most comfortable with pornography, but I also come from a home where everything was pretty messed up as far as anything sexual was concerned (long story there). Maybe if you try opening yourself up to the idea of it, you'll find you feel better about things.

I agree with Stormy, if I was your boyfriend and it was always causing a fight, I would probably try to hide it too. Not saying that's okay, but no one wants to fight all the time about the same thing. You two need to come to a compromise somehow. Ask him if you can just TALK with him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel in a CALM way....he might just be able to reassure you!! Not only that, but letting down the defense and really letting him know why it bothers you might open his eyes a little bit more to your feelings.

When you're in a relationship, the feelings of both people matter. Sometimes it's hard to find an appropriate balance, but it's hugely important that you do so. Maybe you could agree that you'll stop snooping as long as he stops hiding things? You don't need to torture yourself AND your boyfriend from feeling the need to snoop.

I still struggle a lot with my own insecurities surrounding sex and what goes on in the mind of my man, but it shouldn't matter! He's with you, sharing intimacy with YOU, not with anyone else. I have to remind myself of that often. He's in my bed, he kisses ME goodnight, WE curl up together; if he didn't want to be with ME......he would have left already!

I hope you find something that helps make you feel better! I can imagine this must be a real struggle for you! () less

I too am having some of these issues. I have been with my kids dad for 10 years now. we have 2 boys ages 8 and 4 years old. I met my husband at age 15 a couple months before I turned 16 and he was 23. I was homeless and sleeping in a station wagon in a family friends front yard he was really good friends with these people and that's how I met him. people tried so hard to keep us apart and of course didn't work we still saw one another. and couple months later he put a roof over my family and I. we been through a lot after 10 years. I am very insecure, been since gosh back when I was like 7 to 8 years old. so the porn watching issue is a huge thing for us to I try and I just can't get myself to not look at these girls and think god I am so nasty compared to her. it is a long hard road with this issue between us. I wish I can tell you all a great happy ending to this story but not yet I am trying but it is a hard daily thing in my life and I thought I was alone on this. I am trying but it is a slow ongoing thing I wish you luck hun and I feel your pain I too have snooped and stopped snooping for months then started again it is hard in a relationship for some and I look up to the ones that make it through hard times and hope we are able to one day. less

He's hiding it from you to avoid the fighting! Watching porn is harmless. He isn't out with other women. He's home relaxing and relieving stress. Try watching it with him. Find out what he likes about it. Maybe he needs variety in his playtime so he watches porn and fantasizes but is faithful to you in real life. less

To echo what others have said, he could be hiding it to avoid a fight with you. However, that doesn't make it right for him to hide something from you when you are both in a committed to each other. Trust and open and honest communication are very important to any intimate relationship. Watching porn and masturbating can be healthy and normal practices for some and they can also become problematic to others who develop addictions to these things. This is something for a professional to determine.

If I were you I'd start by talking openly to your man about your concerns and how you feel when he watches porn and masturbates. Be honest with him even though this may make you feel vulnerable. Trusting each other to be honest and to listen what each other has to say is vital. Also be willing to believe what he has to say. If it's something he does to relax, take care of his sexual drive, which may be greater than your, etc. then let him do it. Encourage this healthy outlet so he doesn't feel like he has to hide it. As long as he is still being intimate with you and both of your needs are met sexually what he does with himself during his alone time is for him to decide.

While porn and masturbating are an issue for you, the root cause, from what you've explained, seems to be the lack of communication, trust and understanding between the two of you. Do you notice this in other areas of your relationship? Do you fight about other things? I hope you are both able to talk and connect in this way. Having this level of intimacy and sharing in a relationship contributes positively to all other aspects of the relationship, including the bedroom!

Best of luck to you. less

When he watches porn and I know it, then the next time we have sex I think that he is visualizing and/or fantasizing about those sluts on the computer while we are being intimate... Is this irrational?

Also I've told him a few times that I don't like how much he watches porn and jacks it... I was checking his history for a while (being really obsessive) and when I couldn't find anything I just figured that he wasn't doing it as much because he knew i didn't like it. I gave up after a while thinking what am I doing? This is natural, I have to leave him alone so I did for about 2 months.... About 2 months later, I caught him doing it again on an Ipod touch that he had hidden from me for god knows how long. I confronted him and asked him why he is hiding this from me and where it is. but he wont tell me anything and it only starts a fight... he tells me don't worry about it and that he's going to keep it hidden even though I know about it... I wanted to buy him a Fleshlight, but I don't want him hiding that from me if he is going to own one. I don't think that there should be anything hidden in a relationship. Do you think that this situation is as fucked up as I do? less