Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger demographic. For sake of the question we'll say that 10 years have gone by.
If you found out years in to your relationship that your mate had cheated on you the first week you were together what would your reaction be?
11/17/2010
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I hate to be lied to... so although there is a slight chance that I could forgive if the person were upfront about it... I don't know if I could if it was a ten year secret... I'd be salty to say the least.
11/17/2010
I think it'd put a sour turn on things for a bit, but I'd definitely let it go after 10 years. Sometimes it is better to accept things as out of your control and move on with life.
I think breaking up a 10 year relationship would be the worst thing to do, except for the cheating part.
I think breaking up a 10 year relationship would be the worst thing to do, except for the cheating part.
11/17/2010
I don't know. I think it depends. For me one week is pretty short into a relationship. I didn't become "official" with my now husband until we had been dating for about a month. If he had done something with someone else before that time I'd be irritated that he hadn't told me that he had been seeing someone else, but I wouldn't end our marriage over it. Now, if he had slept with someone a week after we became official, that's another matter and that would mean he's been withholding the truth for that long..I think my trust would be seriously diminished but I suppose we could work it out in the end.
If it was a case of people meeting and instantly becoming official then..I really don't know. That sounds to me like the relationship likely started when they were younger like teens (only saying in my experience of relationships that I've personally had an observed) then I think I'd be pissed similar to if it was a week after becoming official after dating, but I'd recognize that maybe what happened was that we had rushed into being official and that maybe we were younger and different people back then.
If it was a case of people meeting and instantly becoming official then..I really don't know. That sounds to me like the relationship likely started when they were younger like teens (only saying in my experience of relationships that I've personally had an observed) then I think I'd be pissed similar to if it was a week after becoming official after dating, but I'd recognize that maybe what happened was that we had rushed into being official and that maybe we were younger and different people back then.
11/17/2010
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Its very true that ten years is a lot to turn your back on, but I feel it would be worse to stay if one felt they were no longer capable of trusting that person. Personally I know if I were in the situation I would unintentionally continue to punish that person for the act long after I "forgave" and that wouldn't be fair to them. It takes a strong person to forgive and really let go... and sometimes I am quite weak.
Originally posted by
El-Jaro
I think it'd put a sour turn on things for a bit, but I'd definitely let it go after 10 years. Sometimes it is better to accept things as out of your control and move on with life.
I think breaking up a 10 year relationship would be ... more
I think breaking up a 10 year relationship would be ... more
I think it'd put a sour turn on things for a bit, but I'd definitely let it go after 10 years. Sometimes it is better to accept things as out of your control and move on with life.
I think breaking up a 10 year relationship would be the worst thing to do, except for the cheating part. less
I think breaking up a 10 year relationship would be the worst thing to do, except for the cheating part. less
11/17/2010
I didn't find out until well into our relationship that I was in fact the other woman. We were young and I wasn't intimate with him until much later so it doesn't honestly bother me. He wasn't supposed to be there that first date his brother was so I guess when he decided he wanted me he needed time to ditch what evidently was his current girlfriend. I didn't find out about it til I went to his house to meet the family months later and one of his bratty little brothers was dogging him and referring to me as the tramp Thought his mother was gonna beat the shit outta the kid lol
If I found out now over 20 years later that there was someone else during our relationship I'd have major problems with it though. Not sure how I would deal with it. Trust is major in any relationship.
If I found out now over 20 years later that there was someone else during our relationship I'd have major problems with it though. Not sure how I would deal with it. Trust is major in any relationship.
11/17/2010
"So, you blew your entire sex drive on her and blamed me for your lack of libido all these years?"
I wish it had been that simple an explanation in my ex-marriage.
I wish it had been that simple an explanation in my ex-marriage.
11/17/2010
I'd probably be upset when I first found out about it, but when I put into perspective... I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, and I would expect that my partner wouldn't be either. I would not be willing to give up on 10 good years to punish my partner for something that happened that long ago.
Might be different it was a pattern of behavior thou rather than just a one time occurance.
Might be different it was a pattern of behavior thou rather than just a one time occurance.
11/17/2010
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Now when I say a week in to your relationship I mean a week after being "official" you could have been dating for any number of months... I don't really count that because if you have not discussed being exclusive I don't feel you have the right to be upset.
Originally posted by
Alicia
I don't know. I think it depends. For me one week is pretty short into a relationship. I didn't become "official" with my now husband until we had been dating for about a month. If he had done something with someone else before
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more
I don't know. I think it depends. For me one week is pretty short into a relationship. I didn't become "official" with my now husband until we had been dating for about a month. If he had done something with someone else before that time I'd be irritated that he hadn't told me that he had been seeing someone else, but I wouldn't end our marriage over it. Now, if he had slept with someone a week after we became official, that's another matter and that would mean he's been withholding the truth for that long..I think my trust would be seriously diminished but I suppose we could work it out in the end.
If it was a case of people meeting and instantly becoming official then..I really don't know. That sounds to me like the relationship likely started when they were younger like teens (only saying in my experience of relationships that I've personally had an observed) then I think I'd be pissed similar to if it was a week after becoming official after dating, but I'd recognize that maybe what happened was that we had rushed into being official and that maybe we were younger and different people back then. less
If it was a case of people meeting and instantly becoming official then..I really don't know. That sounds to me like the relationship likely started when they were younger like teens (only saying in my experience of relationships that I've personally had an observed) then I think I'd be pissed similar to if it was a week after becoming official after dating, but I'd recognize that maybe what happened was that we had rushed into being official and that maybe we were younger and different people back then. less
11/17/2010
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My answer is kind of a mix of the options- it would depend on how serious everything was when it occurred and if he told you or not. If he kept that a secret then to me that means he isn't being honest, especially if it was in the first week of the relationship.
Originally posted by
EmberPetals
Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger
...
more
Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger demographic. For sake of the question we'll say that 10 years have gone by.
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Everybody makes mistakes but to me what matters is if they take accountability for them and do something to fix it.
11/17/2010
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Yea I think I'd be pretty devestated because our relationship had been basically formed upon a lie. I think at that point I would be wondering what else had been a lie...
Originally posted by
EmberPetals
Now when I say a week in to your relationship I mean a week after being "official" you could have been dating for any number of months... I don't really count that because if you have not discussed being exclusive I don't feel you
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more
Now when I say a week in to your relationship I mean a week after being "official" you could have been dating for any number of months... I don't really count that because if you have not discussed being exclusive I don't feel you have the right to be upset.
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11/17/2010
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the thing is, is that trust takes time to earn back. My Mister cheated on me about 5 years into our marriage and it was hard to move past. We had to go to counseling. But it CAN be done. And it didn't come easily. Three years later and I still get mistrustful from time-to-time. The both parties have to be willing to do whatever it takes (including accounting for their locations at all times for a while... like a year... at least for me) to make things as right as possible. It may never be the way it was before, but sometimes you find something better! IMO, I think that a person who is invested into a relationship isn't willing to try and save it, that they either don't care enough about the relationship and the person or that they are too selfish to do so. I guess you have to do what's right for you, but in this day and age people are willing to throw away relationships at every little hiccup, I think it's this misconception that relationships are perfect and that things all "work out" magically. Relationships take work and it is hard. It's more than the toilet seat and who does the dishes. People make mistakes and if the person making the mistake is willing to confess, make amends, and do whatever it takes to make it work, then the "victim" of the crime should be willing to give it a shot. That doesn't mean it WILL all work out. You might still end up breaking up/divorcing, but both parties should be willing to give it a shot.
Originally posted by
EmberPetals
Its very true that ten years is a lot to turn your back on, but I feel it would be worse to stay if one felt they were no longer capable of trusting that person. Personally I know if I were in the situation I would unintentionally continue to punish
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more
Its very true that ten years is a lot to turn your back on, but I feel it would be worse to stay if one felt they were no longer capable of trusting that person. Personally I know if I were in the situation I would unintentionally continue to punish that person for the act long after I "forgave" and that wouldn't be fair to them. It takes a strong person to forgive and really let go... and sometimes I am quite weak.
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(This is coming from the scenario of a one-time thing... a continuous affair is another thing and I still think can be saved if worked on, but a separation is definitely necessary to sort out individual emotions... but trusting someone who cheated on you continuously for 10 years... well, everything is a lie and I don't think that the offending party makes it possible for it to be salvaged.)
I still punish My Mister from time to time about it. And not in the sexy way... In the bringing it up. It's not that I don't trust him and it's not that I don't forgive him, it's just sometimes it creeps up into my mind and makes me upset. He gets upset when this happens, but we just talk about it. I had nightmares for months and still get them sometimes. Then he reassures me and we talk about why I'm feeling scared and he discusses his side of it.
sorry for the long post.
11/17/2010
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I agree with Alicia. In a lot of adult relationships, things aren't official and exclusive from day one so while it might not be fun to find out that someone had been seeing other people, I don't know if it would be a big deal.
Originally posted by
Alicia
I don't know. I think it depends. For me one week is pretty short into a relationship. I didn't become "official" with my now husband until we had been dating for about a month. If he had done something with someone else before
...
more
I don't know. I think it depends. For me one week is pretty short into a relationship. I didn't become "official" with my now husband until we had been dating for about a month. If he had done something with someone else before that time I'd be irritated that he hadn't told me that he had been seeing someone else, but I wouldn't end our marriage over it. Now, if he had slept with someone a week after we became official, that's another matter and that would mean he's been withholding the truth for that long..I think my trust would be seriously diminished but I suppose we could work it out in the end.
If it was a case of people meeting and instantly becoming official then..I really don't know. That sounds to me like the relationship likely started when they were younger like teens (only saying in my experience of relationships that I've personally had an observed) then I think I'd be pissed similar to if it was a week after becoming official after dating, but I'd recognize that maybe what happened was that we had rushed into being official and that maybe we were younger and different people back then. less
If it was a case of people meeting and instantly becoming official then..I really don't know. That sounds to me like the relationship likely started when they were younger like teens (only saying in my experience of relationships that I've personally had an observed) then I think I'd be pissed similar to if it was a week after becoming official after dating, but I'd recognize that maybe what happened was that we had rushed into being official and that maybe we were younger and different people back then. less
When I first started seeing my boyfriend, we were both kind of casually dating so there were no rules as to what we could and couldn't do because we hadn't agreed to be exclusive to one another yet.
11/17/2010
I probably wouldn't be able to trust them ever again. It's difficult to trust as it is and I have self esteem and trust issues MAJORLY, so there's probably no way I could forgive, but I'll say that it depends maybe.
11/17/2010
Lieing would get to me, I would deal with it better if it was confessed.
11/18/2010
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Chilipepper, you, who are obviously so smart, funny and sexy, would you have believed that for a minute?
Originally posted by
Chilipepper
"So, you blew your entire sex drive on her and blamed me for your lack of libido all these years?"
I wish it had been that simple an explanation in my ex-marriage.
I wish it had been that simple an explanation in my ex-marriage.
I know you met on-line. I know that after you broke up your family and friends confessed that they never liked him, why did you believe that you were the problem? Maybe for the same reason that I believed that I was my ex-wife's problem.
Well, you have learned your lesson and I have learned mine. I hope that you will soon meet the man who deserves you - and that man will be as smart, funny and sexy as you are. Well, almost, anyway. No man is that good.
11/18/2010
Depends on the situation, truly. Keeping something like that from me would make me feel like there are other lies, and I would not be able to trust again.
11/19/2010
There are really a lot of variables, and I'm not even sure I'm happy with the answer I just voted. If my mate got tattled on after ten years, I'd wonder more about the motivations of the tattler, and probably be a little irritated at my SO for not telling me nine and a half years back, but there are a lot of things that can excuse a lack of honesty with someone you've only been seeing for a couple of weeks.
11/21/2010
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I agree with you guys. I was dating my guy for a while but we were not official going out. We were dating but we were both "fidel" to each other in that time. If he would have been with another girl after we were officially dating I would have been really hurt about knowing this and would rather he not tell me, especially if it was a one time thing. I would just rather not know and leave it at that.
Originally posted by
Tori Rebel
I agree with Alicia. In a lot of adult relationships, things aren't official and exclusive from day one so while it might not be fun to find out that someone had been seeing other people, I don't know if it would be a big deal.
When ... more
When ... more
I agree with Alicia. In a lot of adult relationships, things aren't official and exclusive from day one so while it might not be fun to find out that someone had been seeing other people, I don't know if it would be a big deal.
When I first started seeing my boyfriend, we were both kind of casually dating so there were no rules as to what we could and couldn't do because we hadn't agreed to be exclusive to one another yet. less
When I first started seeing my boyfriend, we were both kind of casually dating so there were no rules as to what we could and couldn't do because we hadn't agreed to be exclusive to one another yet. less
So I think I would be really hurt but would forgive him easily. But there would be a little voice in the back of my head filling me with doubt. My trust would be really damaged. If he told me he had sex with a girl while we were dating I would be hurt but not as much as if it was official between us.
11/21/2010
I could get over it.
11/21/2010
Big deal. I'd probably have cheated ten times over. C'est la vie, motherfuckers.
11/22/2010
I honestly don't know what I would or wouldn't do.
11/22/2010
I've actually been in a situation like this. He asked me to be his girlfriend, then I found out from someone else that he was asking his ex girlfriend for naked pictures. She was actually decent and said, "No, I don't want to do that to your girlfriend," even though he kept begging. I should have left him then. He didn't even apologize for that at all, and was actually mad at me that I found out.
11/22/2010
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I would not be upset. The first weeks or so are new and you may have made a mistake and been afraid to tell as to scare the other off. If you have the guts to tell 10yrs later it must have been eating at the person in some way and they feel remorse and that is enough to me
Originally posted by
EmberPetals
Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger
...
more
Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger demographic. For sake of the question we'll say that 10 years have gone by.
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11/24/2010
It would depend on the situation, and possibly the person involved. We weren't seeing any other people when my hubby and I first got together, so that wouldn't really come into play. It would probably depend on who told me, who it was with, and if I could believe it was the only time. I've been cheated on in the past and I don't trust easily, so it would be tough.
11/24/2010
For me, it would be easier to accept if the partner told me themself but if I found out through someone else, I'd be explosive.
11/24/2010
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I actually did find out that my husband cheated on me from almost day one. I chose to forgive because I loved him and I knew he loved me. We worked very hard to get past it and I do understand that he wasn't seeking something I was incapable of giving him, he was simply being the nonmonogamous person he is. We worked out our issues and discovered some new ones! Still it was the hardest thing I've ever done to date, and it won't work unless both parties (or more) are willing to work HARD to build something from the wreckage.
Originally posted by
EmberPetals
Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger
...
more
Recently my friends and I have been discussing this lately and I'm curious because there seem to be trends in the way that the men and women think about this... answers were split down the middle and I want to see if that holds true with a larger demographic. For sake of the question we'll say that 10 years have gone by.
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11/26/2010
This actually happened to me. He told me and I got over it. He was sincere nad apologetic. I knew he wouldn't do it again.
11/26/2010
This actually happened to me. Except in my case I was the cheater. I hooked up with my recently broken up with ex-boyfriend just a week or two after I started dating my now husband. My husband has suspected as much for year and would always tease me about it. For years and years I denied anything happened. Finally, one (drunk night) about a year and a half ago we were discussing our past sex lives. We do this sometimes as a form of foreplay. Well, he finally got me to admit it. He laughed and said he always knew. I told him I'd let him return the favor if he wanted. After all, what's fair is fair.
11/28/2010
I'd say bye bye.
12/16/2010
Total posts: 46
Unique posters: 41
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