Keeping up Appearances

The New Intimacy

Keeping up Appearances

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Contributor: Dusk Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really like it, I thought my hair would look awesome if it were all purple. My partner can't stand the idea though, to the point where he doesn't know if he would want to be around "that girl with purple hair" and seen by others. I was really disappointed, but I understand it can be hard when you don't approve of a major change like that. He doesn't like my hair short either, and I'm getting it cut again today. I want him to be happy but it sucks having to keep my hair boring, brown, and long just because he likes it.

Have you all had experiences like this, on either side of the story? How did you handle it?
10/22/2010
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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I think the only problem my ex-husband and I had between us was my hair, too. He wanted me to keep it LOOOOOONG ... it was to below my waist the first few years of marriage. But I got sick of it being that long and I got a jaw-length bob. After his crying jag, he wouldn't speak to me for two days. It did not bother me at all that he didn't approve - he was the one being childish by not accepting that I was an adult who had control of my own body and appearance.

Although there was the contention of my weight. He wanted me to stay plush and curvy and plus-sized, and I was getting to a point in which I had to shape up for my health. So, there was the background sulkiness during my weight loss and the complete non-support of that (I did not think going from a size 24 to a size 18 was much, but he acted like I was skin and bones). Actually, yes, this was another problem between us, so there were two problems.

For him, I would have been happy if he bothered to put ANY sort of care into his grooming and dressing. He just didn't care. He didn't even bother to shave right the past two times he shaved when we signed the divorce papers - he had TWO LEVELS of regrowth!!!

Glad I booted him out.
10/22/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
"My partner can't stand the idea though, to the point where he doesn't know if he would want to be around "that girl with purple hair" and seen by others."

It's your hair, not his.

Trust me when I say that being in a long-term relationship with someone expects you to "act the part" of the woman he wants to love, rather than simply loving the woman you are will in time, make you utterly miserable and breed resentment on both sides.

It's about hair today, but this attitude of "approving" of how you look will show up in other aspects of your lives together.

You are the girl who wants short purple hair and if that's not the girl he wants to be with, find the guy who does!
10/22/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
You have to decide if you want to be with someone who judges his attraction to you based on your hair color and length. You are an adult and as long as your hair doesn't negatively impact your financial life you aren't hurting anyone. It's YOUR hair and you have the right to make decisions on how you want to wear it. For Cripes Sake I didn't want my husband to dye his hair white blonde but I wouldn't leave him if he did...I had blue hair when we met! I've done everything but shave my head and he just patiently waits for me to work out whatever kink I'm having out.
I could understand if you wanted to tatoo something all over your face...that's permanent but hair length or color is silly to get all upset over. At least that's my opinion for what it's worth.
10/22/2010
Contributor: cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
I think something like that shouldn't really matter, hopefully he will be supportive enough of you even if you don't like it. Don't let him control you. Also, I just want to be clear that it is fine for people to disagree on things, but if he is telling you what to wear, how to act, who to talk to, that sounds bad.

With that being said, maybe you can come to a happy medium?
10/22/2010
Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Quote:
Originally posted by cherryredhead88
I think something like that shouldn't really matter, hopefully he will be supportive enough of you even if you don't like it. Don't let him control you. Also, I just want to be clear that it is fine for people to disagree on things, but ... more
Yeah, that's what we're trying. I'm keeping the streak, and I'm still getting it cut. It just won't all be purple, lol.
10/22/2010
Contributor: Beth D Beth D
My mom and dad have a problem like this. My mom has an arm without full mobility and she can't brush her hair very easily if it's too long so she wants to keep it very short. She keeps it at a medium length, though, because dad likes long hair. I think that's a ridiculous reason to keep her hair at a length that is borderline painful for her to have to deal with.

If my hypothetical significant other had a problem with a aesthetic choice I had made for myself, I'd have to decide how badly I wanted to do it and if their argument was reasonable. Not wanting to be seen as the guy with the girl with the purple hair is very much not reasonable in my opinion.
10/22/2010
Contributor: crazypao crazypao
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
Same thing with the hair color. I've always wanted a funky color in my hair and did the underneath part and my bangs (not really bangs, but you know, the hair that frames my face) turquoise. He was all WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, IT'S CHILDISH, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I loved it. Well, for about the first 2 weeks. Then I got bored of it again, tried to strip the blue out, didn't work, and now I have part blue, part reddish brown, and now my natural color is growing out, which is making me much more anxious than anybody should ever be about their hair. My natural color is a dull, yucky, stupid looking brown (I like brunette hair, just not mine) not to mention the billions of gray hairs that are coming in that I didn't have even just a year ago. I have the grays of a 40 year old and I'm only 22.
10/28/2010
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
It's never happenned to me. I was in hairdressing before at the beginning of my relationship. I went from platinum blondg to black to brown. I changed my hair all the time but it was weird for my partner. He liked to see the person he first met. I was still the same person but with different hair. He accepted it but it was a little weird for him at first. Now when I change my hair color or cut it shorter he knows he has nothing to do with my decision and he just loves the outcome either way.
10/28/2010
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
I can sorta understand. My boyfriend is old-fashioned and mega drastic changes freak him out.
After three years, we have come to a happy medium.
I don't do any extremes but I can still be funky wild!
I keep it classy.
10/28/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
Pretty much that exact situation, only he complained about piercings and tattoos too. He wanted me to be the 'bad girl' with all the piercings and tattoos and dyed hair, but only in the bedroom. Otherwise I had to be able to fit in with his family, and he seemed like he was trying to turn me into his mother. He resorted to trying to make a deal with me, he would work out more if I didn't cut or dye my hair. Well I caved, didn't do anything with my hair, and he never started working out, so I chopped it all off and dyed it fuchsia. He threw a huge fit, but I pointed out that it wasn't fair to force me to live in a little bubble.

He hated my tattoos and felt that I was going 'overboard' with them as well as my piercings. Even now, with more tattoos, if I don't want them visible, none of them are, and I don't look like I'm hiding anything. He got mad when I got my lip ring because later that week we were supposed to go to a dinner with his family and he was very worried about what they were going to think about it. Well turns out that nobody in his family even noticed, and I didn't even have to take out half my earrings either. A few members of his family even asked me a few questions about my piercings at one point and they were legitimately genuine questions, nothing all 'you shouldn't have done that' about it.

Anyway, text wall aside here, it's your hair, it's your life, if it's not going to prevent you from doing things you want to do and it's not something like a tattoo over your face (like Airen says), then it's really none of his business. I handled it by being spiteful (coulda handled it better) and eventually leaving him for someone who embraces my loud behavior. I agree with Laurel too, if he can't seem to love you for you who are rather than the woman he wants you to be, then you should find the man that does.

Good luck sweetie
10/28/2010
Contributor: sasweetheart89 sasweetheart89
This seems like it's a problem that goes deeper than hair color or length... i'm sorry you're not getting the approval you would like =/
10/28/2010
Contributor: Kindred Kindred
While yes it is your hair, my personal feeling is that if you are in a committed relationship and the change bothers your partner, you should respect their opinion and try to understand what the issue is. And as has been suggested already, perhaps a compromise can be reached. Taking the "It's my hair I'll do what I want" won't solve anything and will only escalate the situation.
10/28/2010
Contributor: Jenn (aka kissmykitty) Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
(EdenFantasys)
My husband isn't fond of my nose stud, my multiple ear piercings (which, in my opinion, are pretty damn tame: four lobe and one cartilage, at the moment) and my love of Special Effects Hair Dye (in order to dye my hair a plum/raspberry), but ultimately he knows it's my body, and my decision, and he respects that. I'm sorry that your partner isn't more understanding. :/
10/28/2010
Contributor: darthkitt3n darthkitt3n
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
I have colored my hair purple before. My boyfriend loved it. If he didn't, it would really be too bad for him, since it is my hair. Though, if I wanted to do something that he finds gross or offensive, like a tongue ring, I'd at least consider his arguments against it, before going and making my final decision.
10/31/2010
Contributor: Timaree Timaree
this is actually the basis of my dissertation: how weight changes affect relationships and attraction. until that jawn gets published, here's some other stuff to read:

what to do when one person in the relationship is way better looking than the other: link

and reasons that your "type" of person might change: link
11/17/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Timaree
this is actually the basis of my dissertation: how weight changes affect relationships and attraction. until that jawn gets published, here's some other stuff to read:

what to do when one person in the relationship is way better looking ... more
I remember one of my friends and I were talking about that subject (weight changes in relationships). She was one of those beautifully slender women that we all want to look like, and she was really fed up that all she seemed to attract were superficial asses who were attracted to the packaging but not the whole package inside. She said, "These are probably the same guys that would dump me as soon as I gain five pounds." Made me really wonder (and paranoid) when I finish losing weight and what exactly will attract (and keep) any future relationships I may have.
11/17/2010
Contributor: Persephone's Addiction Persephone's Addiction
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
My last boyfriend thought he could have input on everything from what kind of underwear I wore, the color of lipstick I used, to what color my hair was. That got tedious. It wasn't healthy. But I still had green hair (he didn't like it), wore thongs (he didn't like them) and wore dark lipstick (he hated it). LOL
My current boyfriend doesn't seem to have an opinion - I think he's just accepts that he's dating the person and not the appearance. Having said that, when I told him I liked the piercings called "a snake bite" he said he really, really didn't like that. I have multiple other piercings - and he loves my nose ring, so it's not like he's just not a piercing guy. If I weren't with him, I would get the snake bite. But, it's not a big deal for me to not get it since he feels strongly about it. He just doesn't like the way it looks. That's fine. I tend to have an unusual appearance (asymmetrical hair, purple streaks, piercings, dark makeup) and he's completely accepting of it so one piercing isn't going to make me feel like I'm not accepted.
If you were going to get a green mohawk and your boyfriend said he really didn't like that - I would think that a compromise would be fine. But it sounds like he was ok with magenta but not ok with purple? What gives? If he's ok with one color streak, but not another, it sounds like he's just trying to be your hairdresser instead of your boyfriend. lol
11/18/2010
Contributor: pinkzombie pinkzombie
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I'm curious, how do you all deal when your partner wants to make a change to their appearance that you don't approve of? I dyed the streak in the front of my hair a dark purple yesterday (it was magenta before) and though I don't really ... more
We love each other either way, but there are ways i prefer his facial hair...he likes these big chops and i like a thin long line along his jaw. thats about it. We compromise
11/24/2010