Thanks I want to be supportive and all, but he won't talk to me about any of it, he gets really aggravated with me. I try just asking him nicely why hes doing it and I will be okay with it, but he just gets mad.

I agree with Stormy's assessment that this is a very unhealthy relationship.

Personally, if My Man even thought about "tanning" (and he wouldn't... ever)... I just think it's a silly thing for a man or a woman to do, it is carcinogenic and there are much better uses for the money. I'd kick any of my kid's butts (figuratively) if they ever tried to go into a tanning booth.

Luckily, they are so involved in their school work (one working and living with her man, one in Graduate School and the little one an honor student in Middle School) their hobbies and their healthy relationships, I don't have to worry about it. We made some beautiful girls and I am glad none of them want to be orange and have made better choices with their time and money.

You "had to give him a hand job?" WTF is that? "Had to?" Or what? "Having" to engage in sexual acts isn't the sign of a healthy relationship. It appears you were forced to engage in a sex act, which is just unacceptable in most people's books. Is that OK with you? Why? If a man EVER tried to use non-consensual force to get a sex act from me, I'd call the damn police!

I love my husband and we have sex nearly daily and have a healthy relationship with a lot of communication, but he has never engaged in non-consensual force or "made me" do anything sexual that I didn't want to do.

You want someone and you're trying to make this guy into someone he isn't. If you asked him WHY he was tanning and working out and he didn't want to tell you, that's his business. Isn't it? Did you INSIST he tell you? Yeah, men LOVE that.....not only is nagging a death knell to a relationship, but WHY would you want a man who forces you to engage in sex acts and then doesn't even care how you feel about it? Do you REALLY think he's going to change? People rarely change. Rapists never do.

I'm done. You need to move on and get into a less toxic relationship,after doing some introspection into your own needs and you need to learn what to expect from a healthy relationship, and non-consensual FORCE and nagging aren't any of those things that happen in healthy relationships.

Yes, I agree with this 100%.

This reminds me of my situation with an old boyfriend -- almost exactly. He began to become so preoccupied with his image (working out, tanning, and he even developed an eating disorder). I know he was always finding ways to make me jealous, and the purpose of all this change wasn't for me or even for him, he wanted to be attractive to other girls to get to me. Every time I tried to stand out from the crowd, he shot me down for it. He had become emotionally and verbally abusive with me. I left that relationship having completely lost myself, and I am still recovering from the severe depression and overcoming my fears years later.

This is an extremely unhealthy relationship, and you need to leave this guy for good before he hurts you more.

You make so much sense, js. I hope the OP listens to you, as you have been where she is now, and beyond.

Thank you. I know how much you lose and the pain, self-loathing and depression that follows the initial fight can be overwhelming. The saddest part is that you have to go through this alone, you are isolated. I hope she can get some help and resolution to what is going on, before it really is too late. I am here for anyone who needs help with this issue, I do understand!!!!

wow. this sounds so rough.

i just got out of a 1.5 yr relationship, and i know even that (not nearly as long as your relationship) was really hard... making the decision to end it, ending it... the aftermath. ew.


but gosh, this sounds like your'e having major communication issues. why does he get mad when you ask him about something so simple? sounds like he's trying to hide something.

i bet you can do better off. fuck a bunch of changing your habits because someone else wants you to... you tanning and doing your hair doesn't hurt him - why did he make you stop? because he was suspicious you were doing it for other guys? that means that A. he is insecure and B. he doesn't trust you.. and possibly C. he is looking at other people too.

he left you for another girl?

enough said... darling, you can do better. i'm sure there's a guy out there who will appreciate you for everything you are.

if nothing else, YOU need to appreciate you for everything you are. you deserve to be treated better than this
'having' to give a handjob
being yelled at for asking questions about sudden changes in behavior
being controlled
being told to stop doing things that make you happy
being dumped for another girl
having your heart broken.


fuck that shit! why are you still putting yourself through that?


i know it's hard, you must really care about him or you wouldn't still be with him. question you need to ask yourself is though, am i better with him, or without him?



i wish you all the luck in the world.

if you ever need to chat, you can always PM me. i've been around the block!

Whatever helps you sleep at night. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. I've learned that trying to convince women in your situation that they're setting themselves up for disaster never pans out well. So, if you're satisfied with the results of your conversation, congratulations.

Um. Honey. Now, you're telling us, "Oh, it isn't that bad." Now, either it IS that bad (and I assume it is, as does everyone else) or there was exaggeration in the first post. My guess is you're trying to forget the abuse and try to pretend it never happened and that "he doesn't do that anymore." I think most of us are sophisticated enough to relationships know that people just don't change and "get better" that quickly. There's no way you could know he's bi-polar, but if his actions are erratic and possibly dangerous, WHY are you staying with him? There's no consistency in a relationship like this.

But, I think Stormy was right. I also think js knows what she's talking about when she talks about identifying and getting out of abusive relationships.

Change is hard. But, when you're in an abusive relationship YOU have to make the change. He isn't going to.

Good luck. No amount of "advice" (despite the fact that you asked for advice) is going to do any good at this point, I'm seeing.

Good luck. Please stay safe.

I would get mad too if my partner accused me of wanting to impress other guys when I tan and workout. That's ludacris.

I totally forgot about that too...you need to get out and date other people. Having one relationship to base your opinions about what you want for life on isn't the best way to choose a partner imo. It works for some, but not everyone.