The New Intimacy

Sex question.. Help!

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Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
I've been seeing someone for a couple months, long distance. He's going to visit next week and he's a christian non-virgin and wants to wait until marriage to have sex. this is kinda unfair to me because hes already indulged in pre-marital sex a couple of times.

It's been 5 years for me and I'm basically dying to have sex with him.. and him rejecting me makes me feel ugly and unwanted..

should I be more understanding or is there really a problem here?

edit. if it doesnt make sense I wrote it all in a bit of a panic.. every few weeks he says he doesn't want to wait then the next week if we have a small fight or disagreement.. we're back to waiting.
08/02/2011
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Contributor: N&M N&M
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
I've been seeing someone for a couple months, long distance. He's going to visit next week and he's a christian non-virgin and wants to wait until marriage to have sex. this is kinda unfair to me because hes already indulged in ... more
It's hard to say without knowing him. Maybe he's been hurt in the past by rushing along, and he's trying to get "this" relationship right. Don't take it personally at this point, just try to understand why he's taking the stance he is. Hope that helps, good luck.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ghost Ghost
I've been with guys like this. They can never decide what they want. At this point in my life, having been through many different kinds of relationships, I have to say that it's better to be with someone who shares your feelings on things that matter. If sex matters to you, you need to be with someone who feels the same way. He also needs to be with someone who feels the same way and stop unloading his baggage onto you.
08/02/2011
Contributor: newfoundlust newfoundlust
This sounds like some thorough discussion needs to happen. It does not surprise me given that you have not actually been together in person.

If you both really want the relationship to work, even without intercourse there are lots of ways of pleasing each other that can avoid the risk of pregnancy, etc.

On the other hand, if he is not really sure he wants the relationship, that is another thing entirely.
08/02/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
I've been seeing someone for a couple months, long distance. He's going to visit next week and he's a christian non-virgin and wants to wait until marriage to have sex. this is kinda unfair to me because hes already indulged in ... more
I'm not a therapist, but I'm hearing he ONLY says this if you have a disagreement? Are the two of you having sex when he isn't angry about something, then he claims he "wants to wait" when he is angry? Sounds pretty passive aggressive to me. Like punishing you by withholding sex so he can get what he wants.

Am I off base here?
08/02/2011
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I'm not a therapist, but I'm hearing he ONLY says this if you have a disagreement? Are the two of you having sex when he isn't angry about something, then he claims he "wants to wait" when he is angry? Sounds pretty passive ... more
Not at all. Initially he wanted to wait then a couple weeks later he didn't. It's been a steady ping-pong match between wanting to wait and not wanting to. I tell him that I'm not in it for the sex nor do I want to run off and find it anywhere else. It means a lot to me to be with him intimately and I really want it to be with him.

We had a disagreement because he was working more and spending less time with me, even the time he spent talking to me wasn't very romantic or comforting. I feel like I'm not really secure in the relationship and when I say anything to him about it It's all my fault and I'm "overreacting&quo t; or "acting like a child". I really love him but it's like I'm being punished, like you said.

I feel if he comes down next week to visit and I'm basically completely ignored in a physical manner, I'd be heart broken.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ghost Ghost
When someone consistently blames you for a problem, rather than working to fix the problem, there is something wrong. We can give you pages of advice all day, recounting our similar experiences, but until you realize and come to terms with the fact that he doesn't seem to be taking things seriously, nothing will change and yes, you will end up heart broken and hurt. Unfortunately, these are things we tend to only see in hindsight!
08/02/2011
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
When someone consistently blames you for a problem, rather than working to fix the problem, there is something wrong. We can give you pages of advice all day, recounting our similar experiences, but until you realize and come to terms with the fact ... more
Yeah I know. I guess I get guilted more or less. When we were about to break up be tells me that I had a history of sabotaging all my relationships somehow. I don't know. It sucks cause I really like him.
08/02/2011
Contributor: js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
I've been seeing someone for a couple months, long distance. He's going to visit next week and he's a christian non-virgin and wants to wait until marriage to have sex. this is kinda unfair to me because hes already indulged in ... more
You guys need to talk things over and hopefully arrive on the same page. I do not think of his decision as 'rejecting' you, just trying to follow his new beliefs. You need to figure out where this relationship is going for you and then talk to him about your expectations, listen to his nad see if you are compatible.
08/02/2011
Contributor: pixxie87 pixxie87
RESPECT HIS CHOICE BECAUSE U WOULD WANT HIM TO RESPECT URS
08/02/2011
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Quote:
Originally posted by pixxie87
RESPECT HIS CHOICE BECAUSE U WOULD WANT HIM TO RESPECT URS
His choice changes from week to week depending on if hes upset with me or not. I'm trying so hard to be understanding but it feels like a punishment.
08/02/2011