The New Intimacy

SO's friends vs. Interoverted/Tired Me

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Contributor: MsDrProfKitty MsDrProfKitty
Okay, so I need some advise.
My guy and I have been together for 2 and half years. This problem is recent.
Since I'm a buy working college student I don't get a whole lot of time with my guy except when we usually end up in the same bed to cuddle and fall asleep. My SO is a little spacy and much more social than I am. I am content with a couple friends and enjoy one-on-one hang out time. He has a lot of friends, his friends are all chemistry/physics/neur o majors and he is constantly having them over to hang out whenever he has free time. I am a zoology (pre-vet) major who has NOTHING in common with them and honestly when I have free time enough to hang out, I don't want to hang out awkwardly in a room with a bunch of dudes who are probably not going to talk to me anyways because I don't know anything about quazy-nitro-fourth dimension blah while they play Magic or some other game I know nothing about, all I want to do is relax and hang out with my guy.
I have tried explaining this but lately he has started inviting them over and forgetting that he'd told me he'd save that time for us. It's really starting to show that he doesn't like that when I have free time I don't want to hang out with his friends. I'm sorry, but I'm tired when I have "free" time. I am an introvert for sure.

Is this selfish of me? Should I just go, grin and bare it, and probably end up just sitting there anyways? Is there another way I can explain this to him?
I was just curious what you guys think. My mind is tired.
01/12/2013
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Contributor: kdlt kdlt
Here are my suggestions:

- Get a nice big calendar and mark the days/time slots where he's promised you time. Put it somewhere he'll see! (Even better if you make him mark the spots himself.)

- Have him set an alarm for 60 or 30 mins before your time slot on his phone so he'll be reminded before you guys get to hang out-- and in case his friend texts and asks "Wanna hang?"

- If he accidentally makes plans with his buddies on your time slot, have him apologize to them and tell them he spaced on having previous plans. If they're already over, the aforementioned phone alarm will go off and he can be like "oh shit!" and usher his friends out of the house before you get there/have free time.

Hopefully he realizes that time spent with you needs to be worked around your busy schedule as often as possible! And hopefully he knows how important quality time is with you.

It's not selfish of you, but definitely know that relationships are full of compromise so you should probably hang out with his friends once or twice a month; this shows you're being fair, that you aren't trying to manipulate all of his time, you're not trying to keep him from any particular friends, and that you appreciate when he does sacrifice time with his buds for you.

I hope that helps!
01/12/2013
Contributor: MsDrProfKitty MsDrProfKitty
Thanks! I like your suggestions!
I forgot to mention that we usually set aside at least one day in the week when we have free time (he has more than I do) and it's those times he's forgetting. It's not often that I have a larger chunk of time to actually hang out.
I'll remind him and he'll be like "well they're already here just come over." He doesn't seem to get that "hey lets spend ___ day together when you get off work, it will be just you and I", to me, means time with just me. He spends a lot of time with his friends and if the plans were like normal (coming over to cuddle together before bed) and his friends are over he'll text me and ask if that's okay that he's later and that's totally fine with me. It's the days that we plan on doing more than just sleeping that get to me.
I think I will ask him to set an alarm like you suggested.
01/12/2013
Contributor: MsDrProfKitty MsDrProfKitty
Quote:
Originally posted by MsDrProfKitty
Thanks! I like your suggestions!
I forgot to mention that we usually set aside at least one day in the week when we have free time (he has more than I do) and it's those times he's forgetting. It's not often that I have a larger chunk ... more
I also just realized I spelled advice wrong...*sigh*
01/12/2013
Contributor: js250 js250
You could also tell him that you will make other plans when he says they are already over there. A time or two of you doing something fun without him will make him rethink his selfishness with your couple time.
01/12/2013
Contributor: Lildrummrgurl7 Lildrummrgurl7
Quote:
Originally posted by MsDrProfKitty
Okay, so I need some advise.
My guy and I have been together for 2 and half years. This problem is recent.
Since I'm a buy working college student I don't get a whole lot of time with my guy except when we usually end up in the same bed ... more
I'd definitely send J some reminder texts. Maybe not so obvious, like "Hey, we're hanging out ALONE tonight" but text him things like "So what movie should we watch when we spend time together tonight?" so he (hopefully) gets the hint that you want to make plans with him and just him. Maybe plan some dinners together but only have enough food for two, so his friends can't join you. If all else fails, threaten to withhold sex.

Also, talk to him and outright tell him that it's important to you that he set aside time (and remember about these times) for you and only you. If he spends one night with you, would you compromise and spend other nights with his friends?

And my mind is tired too. Sorry if this didn't make much sense.
01/13/2013