Do you use "primary" and "secondary"?

I've found that some poly people really don't like this terminology -- that primary/secondary denotes a hierarchy, and all their relationships should be equal. Or that being called "secondary" is degrading.

I am of two minds about this. I do have a long-term partner where we share a lot of time and responsbilities; I notice that a lot of other poly couples do too. Maybe it isn't necessary for a non-primary partner to be "secondary"; maybe they can just be your boyfriend/girlfriend/l over/play partner.

Even when I have a partner who doesn't do hierarchies -- where they call all their relationships "relationships" only -- I find myself separating into "full time" and "part time." Even if love is infinite, time is not. I think I can have a meaningful relationship with someone I see a few times per month -- and that doesn't make it "lesser," but it does make it different.

Thought? less

I'm a poly beginner with less than a year of actual experience under my belt, but I learned pretty quickly that the partner who came into my life second did NOT like to be called secondary. I have assured him that he does not come second in my heart or my priorities and that my previous use of the term was used more chronologically than in any other way. I've since dropped the terms. I'm sure "primary" and "secondary" are terms that apply well to some polyamorous relationships, but as we all learn quickly in the polyamorous world, our lives are often far more complicated than the labels that exist to explain us.

Maybe the terms are less offensive to those who are already initiated into the poly world. Both of my partners are new to polyamory, so the terms were all new to them too. I could see why the word "secondary" would sound bad to someone who hadn't heard it used all the time. Much like "vanilla", which offends my not-so-kinky partner because he feels like it implies that those who are not kinky are dull. It's such a useful term though, and vanilla is a delicious flavor! meh. labels. boo. less

This is a good discussion - and some great responses!
I do consider my main partner "primary" and He does me, since we have a romantic/emotional relationship that we don't necessarily have with other partners. Some are good friends I also have a sexual relationship with.
As far as being a "secondary" myself, I'm comfortable with it in the relationships where I am one. It's because they are married/long-term committed relationships where I just come visit when I can. I don't feel lesser for it - I like being able to be part of these friends' lives and I enjoy seeing their happiness. Even when I was single I liked being in that spot. Maybe it's because no one actually calls me "secondary". I'm just a friend who also has a sexual relationship with them. It's different from their primary partner, but I don't want to be married/committed to everyone I love so I'm able to enjoy it without feeling lesser than the main partner. less