In six days I leave to go to Canada to spend sometime with Arch and let him show off his son. Today my Mother decided to ask me to befriend her on facebook almost a year after shamshing her way into my sexlife and telling me what a rotten person I am. She convinced my Dad the appropriate thing to do was to come to my house and threaten me with physical harm for daring to talk to my Mother in ways she didin't like...notice it doesn't say in ways she didn't deserve just didn't like!
Arch is at work and so is Sigel. My stomach is in knots and all the feelings that had begun to calm after almost a year are back and blazing away. Guess I hadn't dealt with them as well as I had thought! I know the guys want NOTHING to do with my Parents, but I know my kids do sometimes miss them. They cried the first Thanksgiving we didn't go over and do the whole extended family thing...but they were crying because they were so relieved and happy not to have to go through the ordeal!
My mind says ignore the request, but I am so very torn! I love my parents but they aren't good for themselves let alone my family. They do not and will not approve of my choices and I will be forced to explain myself ad-nausem while they try their best to wear me down to their way of thinking. This year away from them has been the most productive and the best in terms of really learning who I am. I was starting to feel confident and secure now I am afraid when a car goes by again...it might be her. I know it's irrational and I would hadle myself just fine but I stil feel like the scared little girl I was growing up.
My question is do I have the right to deny my parents the possibility of mending fences and getting to know their grandchildren? Do I have the right to disregard my children's father's stated desire that I do just that? Neither man wants their children subjected to the stress and chaos my parent's must have in their lives. I know I don't either but it's the first time she's ever reached out to me...what to do? less

Stop letting the social conditioning overpower your heart and mind. Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not automatically mean that they are good for you or your children.

I personally cut my father out of my life, he was not a good presence in my life or the lives of my children. I gave him chances, He fucked up. I do not do endless second-chances, so after the 3rd or 4th time, I cut all ties. We're better off not dealing with drama, judgment and all the other nonsense. And I hear my sister complain all the time about him. I feel sorry that she can't get over her feelings of guilt and obligation.

That's just one instance in my life, there are others.

I strongly encourage you to keep bad people out of your life, blood or not. Love should not be harmful and make your life worse. That's not love, Airen.

Let your mother write letters to you and the kids. No calls, no visits, no internet stalking. Just regular old snail mail for a year, and see how that goes. If the letters are full of guilt trips and accusations, send them back to her and say "This is unacceptable, please do not send letters like these.". Stay calm.

You have control over how people treat you, and it is also under your control how you will allow people to affect your children. less

Stop letting the social conditioning overpower your heart and mind. Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not automatically mean that they are good for you or your children.

I personally cut my father out of my life, he was not a good presence in my life or the lives of my children. I gave him chances, He fucked up. I do not do endless second-chances, so after the 3rd or 4th time, I cut all ties. We're better off not dealing with drama, judgment and all the other nonsense. And I hear my sister complain all the time about him. I feel sorry that she can't get over her feelings of guilt and obligation.

That's just one instance in my life, there are others.

I strongly encourage you to keep bad people out of your life, blood or not. Love should not be harmful and make your life worse. That's not love, Airen.

Let your mother write letters to you and the kids. No calls, no visits, no internet stalking. Just regular old snail mail for a year, and see how that goes. If the letters are full of guilt trips and accusations, send them back to her and say "This is unacceptable, please do not send letters like these.". Stay calm.

You have control over how people treat you, and it is also under your control how you will allow people to affect your children. less

In six days I leave to go to Canada to spend sometime with Arch and let him show off his son. Today my Mother decided to ask me to befriend her on facebook almost a year after shamshing her way into my sexlife and telling me what a rotten person I am. She convinced my Dad the appropriate thing to do was to come to my house and threaten me with physical harm for daring to talk to my Mother in ways she didin't like...notice it doesn't say in ways she didn't deserve just didn't like!
Arch is at work and so is Sigel. My stomach is in knots and all the feelings that had begun to calm after almost a year are back and blazing away. Guess I hadn't dealt with them as well as I had thought! I know the guys want NOTHING to do with my Parents, but I know my kids do sometimes miss them. They cried the first Thanksgiving we didn't go over and do the whole extended family thing...but they were crying because they were so relieved and happy not to have to go through the ordeal!
My mind says ignore the request, but I am so very torn! I love my parents but they aren't good for themselves let alone my family. They do not and will not approve of my choices and I will be forced to explain myself ad-nausem while they try their best to wear me down to their way of thinking. This year away from them has been the most productive and the best in terms of really learning who I am. I was starting to feel confident and secure now I am afraid when a car goes by again...it might be her. I know it's irrational and I would hadle myself just fine but I stil feel like the scared little girl I was growing up.
My question is do I have the right to deny my parents the possibility of mending fences and getting to know their grandchildren? Do I have the right to disregard my children's father's stated desire that I do just that? Neither man wants their children subjected to the stress and chaos my parent's must have in their lives. I know I don't either but it's the first time she's ever reached out to me...what to do? less