For us, it was through the BDSM community. We've been locally active for many years, and so have had many play partners for a variety of scenes (flogging, caning, waxing, needle play, fire cupping, etc). Each of those encounters gets negotiated for just that scene, just that one time. I think that the mindset of negotiating with others for play that is primarily nonsexual but can be VERY sexual sets the stage for a polyamorous mindset. A person may be going outside of their primary relationship and being asked to trust someone, just like you have to do in any kind of relationship.

Trust builds over time. You build relationships over time. Although sometimes, you can be hit with a new relationship like a brick. During that first play scene you don't know what to expect. It's the same with polyamory, and everyone's experiences will be different.

For us personally, some relationships have been short, less than six months, others have been longer. I lost a woman who I thought was my life partner, and her son along with her. My "primary" or foundational relationship is my marriage of twenty one years, even though I'm not currently living with my husband. There are no rights and wrongs, and every day is a learning experience.

I met an MENSA Englishwoman in 1986 from a personal ad, and she was the first person to use the actual word "Polyamorous" (and my first bisexual witch). I knew exactly what she meant by syllabic derivation, but you haven't been hot for a woman until you've heard "Polyamorous" with a British accent (my other fetish).