The New Intimacy

It has been the subject of MANY songs, movies..etc. Have you ever met your Mr or Mrs RIGHT...after you were married?

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Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Has anyone out there, already married, ever ended up meeting the man or woman that they know in their heart was MEANT to be their real "forever love", but it is just "too late" and so you just go on quietly with life?

How did you handle that, or do you just keep it inside, forever?
07/27/2011
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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
Has anyone out there, already married, ever ended up meeting the man or woman that they know in their heart was MEANT to be their real "forever love", but it is just "too late" and so you just go on quietly with life?

How ... more
This isn't really the category for this type of question as most polyamorists don't believe in a 'one and only' or in quietly denying themselves the love offered by more than one partner.
I did meet a man who I loved with an intensity that surprised even me! My husband put aside is jealousy and allowed me to pursue this other relationship while celebrating both the freedom this lifestyle has given him and the reflection of the deep and abiding love I have always had for him.
Even though I love two men I do not feel the need or even the desire to put aside one love for the other..I often wonder if it isn't a bit arrogant to pursue such a course of action.
07/27/2011
Contributor: AngelvMaynard AngelvMaynard
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
Has anyone out there, already married, ever ended up meeting the man or woman that they know in their heart was MEANT to be their real "forever love", but it is just "too late" and so you just go on quietly with life?

How ... more
Sometimes that "one" seems like the forever they think they want until they get them after leaving their spouse. Then the "one" isn't what they thought and they eventually have regret or guilt. That's a tough situation to navigate.
07/27/2011
Contributor: southern woman southern woman
As people, we learn to love.. some are easier to love than others.. I think some people may think that somebody else is there one and only true love.. its like when you first start dating somebody, they usually seem perfect, then once you get to know each other and have been together for a while, you realize they're not as perfect as you thought, but you learn to love them for it anyways.. and I agree with Angel.. I cant tell you how many people I've seen divorce their spouse for an old sweetheart or something that they just swore was the one they were meant to be with all along, and turned out way worse than they imagined.. My husbands mom cheated on and left his dad (a very very good man) for her highschool sweetheart who was an alcholic and abusive. I think if people start feeling that way.. maybe they're just missing those butterfly sparks that they once had with their spouse and should try to think of ways to spice it up, or maybe talk to their spouse about how they miss it and take a weekend away in a hotel or something.
07/28/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by southern woman
As people, we learn to love.. some are easier to love than others.. I think some people may think that somebody else is there one and only true love.. its like when you first start dating somebody, they usually seem perfect, then once you get to know ... more
I have to agree with you Lilmamma I've seen it in my relationships. Sometimes things get so hard dealing with the same issues that tat new relationship seems so much better...then you realize that where ever you go, there you are! You begin to miss the strength and solidity of the relationship that you may have left and so you begin looking again. This is how serial monogamy begins. You do and should talk about these sort of issues with your partner(s) beore they get into stupid thinking and worse, stupid actions! Like leaving a good man for an alcoholic.
07/29/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
This isn't really the category for this type of question as most polyamorists don't believe in a 'one and only' or in quietly denying themselves the love offered by more than one partner.
I did meet a man who I loved with an ... more
Actually, I put the question into this category specifically because of a situation like yours, but with a DIFFERENT spin. I am glad things worked out like that for you, but I almost bet that is more rare then the "average", where jealousy does have a root in human nature.

The case I am speaking about is with the ONLY "open marriage" couple I have ever met or known. They both "bring men or woman" into and out of their relationship, and have for about ten years or more. They bring them in as "close freinds and lovers BOTH".

However, after a couple weeks of having sexual relations with her, the male in that relationship, confided in me (his female FRIEND only...not in that "lover mode". I am TOTALLY monogamous and happy that way), that he had "fallen head over heels with the girl that his wife had brought into their lives about a year ago, and into their bed a few weeks ago. He really thinks that SHE is the "right one" for him, and actually wants to LEAVE his wife for this "other woman" (who is single). Right now, he can interact with her and bed her too...with his wives blessing, so I am not fully sure I get it, but HE say's "SHE is the one I want to spend holidays with, go to movies with, attend family functions with and grow old with".

Thus, my fair question...has anyone else gotten into this "can of worms" when having close relationships with others, while married to someone else.

It is a VERY real "risk" or possibility, it seems.
07/31/2011
Contributor: southern woman southern woman
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
Actually, I put the question into this category specifically because of a situation like yours, but with a DIFFERENT spin. I am glad things worked out like that for you, but I almost bet that is more rare then the "average", where jealousy ... more
Wow.. No, I honestly dont understand it. I never could leave my husband for someone else.. Even if things got really hard, I would try so hard to figure out a way to work it out. I wouldn't want to start all over with someone else, and have to fogive someone else's past, learn how to love their mistakes, and the things they do that irritates me as well, and I honestly believe if people get married and are able to bring other people into the bedroom as well.. then there isn't a commitment at all in their relationship which eventually can destroy their marriage. Plus I think even if they claim to be ok with it all, they honestly still get jealous cuz its human nature to, and eventually it'll cause major problems.
08/01/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I have been with the same man for over 20 years. I have met a few men, since we've been in a closed relationship that I know I could have gotten along with and was sexually attracted to. (OK, I've been sexually attracted to a LOT of men, but a few who I felt an overall attraction to.) For me, in our relationship, the way it was when this happened (two or three times, when our oldest children were very young) I made the difficult choice to stay as far away from these men as I could. It wasn't easy, but we didn't have an Open Relationship then, and I felt my attraction to other men would be destructive to the way our marriage was set up then.

It worked for the way we were then. I haven't had that experience in recent years, I'm not sure how I'd handle it, as we've talked about polyamory, but we're not sure if we really want to do that, or how it would effect our marriage the way it is.

At the moment, it isn't something I have to worry about. I am capable of polyamory, but for the most part, since I've been married, have chosen to not partake in acting on it.
08/01/2011
Contributor: N&M N&M
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
Has anyone out there, already married, ever ended up meeting the man or woman that they know in their heart was MEANT to be their real "forever love", but it is just "too late" and so you just go on quietly with life?

How ... more
There's also a song called "Love the One You're With", I believe that you can't just meet someone and be in love with them. It takes time, and if you're married, by allowing yourself to get closer and closer to someone, to the point that you fall in love, basically just sums up cheating. I'm not saying that there's not issues leading to a distance between you and your spouse, but I know that if you're committed to your spouse and your marriage, there's ways to get through them. An instant attraction is usually just lust, it leads to bad things. It's more likely that people don't realize that their spouse really is their soul mate until their marriage has ended. I think it's really true that "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone."
08/02/2011
Contributor: N&M N&M
Quote:
Originally posted by southern woman
Wow.. No, I honestly dont understand it. I never could leave my husband for someone else.. Even if things got really hard, I would try so hard to figure out a way to work it out. I wouldn't want to start all over with someone else, and have to ... more
I agree with you lilmamma. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand the whole swinging lifestyle. I could never watch or even know that my wife was having sex with other guys, and liking it. And vice versa. I think that if you're someone who needs to have sex with multiple partners for life, then marriage is not your cup of tea, and if your spouse needs multiple partners for satisfaction, even though you're against it, then there's too many differences to justify a marriage.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Misfit Momma Misfit Momma
Your friend really needs to sit back and think about how this would affect all parties involved. He needs to talk openly with both women. If his wife isn't open to him having a romantic relationship with this woman, cutting ties is more than likely the best route to go.
08/03/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Bignuf
Actually, I put the question into this category specifically because of a situation like yours, but with a DIFFERENT spin. I am glad things worked out like that for you, but I almost bet that is more rare then the "average", where jealousy ... more
Ahhh now with the explanation it makes perfect sense! Thanks for taking the time to explain.
What a perfectly awful situation for him to be in. The thing is, I bet, if he was truly honest with himself he'd want to be doing all those things with both ladies openly and he has really just found someone else he loves deeply. Most people are completely taken by surprise by the total depth of feeling they have with this other person...and yes even I had my moments were I wondered if I loved my husband as deeply as I loved this new guy. Once the limmerance wore off though, I realized how amazing it was to love both of these amazing creatures. Although the world still doesn't accept poly love it is still workable in most cases and in his especially, unless his family are unaware of the workings of his marriage.

I wish him and his ladies lots of love. It would seem he has some hard thinking and soul searching to do...I gave my relationships time and the details are slowly working themselves out. I hope he gives his relationships the same time but either way I hope he makes the choice that brings him joy.
08/08/2011