The New Intimacy

Polyamory, my least favorite 4 sylable word.

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Contributor: Megan Jean Megan Jean
I am in a committed, monogamous relationship.
He is poly, I am not.
His belief that he would be able to be in love with more than one person scared the shit out of me, and I've told him this.
He understands, but says he can't change the way he feels.
Should I be scared?
Is it right to ask him to change?
12/20/2011
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Contributor: jedent jedent
Quote:
Originally posted by Megan Jean
I am in a committed, monogamous relationship.
He is poly, I am not.
His belief that he would be able to be in love with more than one person scared the shit out of me, and I've told him this.
He understands, but says he can't change ... more
how about this, why don't YOU change? why does it have to be that he's wrong?

if you guys don't work, walk away. there is no changing of anyone, only educating.

a great book to read on the subject is "open" by jenny block. she explains the plain truth that we can't be someone's everything, hence, why we have friends outside of our relationships, and furthermore maybe even have a best friend we tell secrets to while another is just a golf buddy.

or just walk away. no need to be uncomfortable with someone whose ideals scare you.
12/20/2011
Contributor: Chirple Chirple
No one has to "change", you just have to understand each other and make mutually acceptable choices.

If he's fine with monogamy with you, what's the problem with his beliefs otherwise ?

If he doesn't want monogamy and you do - no, it's probably not going to work out.

I mean, people who claim they commit to monogamy cheat. It's not like you're risking that any more than anything else as long as you communicate.
12/20/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Megan Jean
I am in a committed, monogamous relationship.
He is poly, I am not.
His belief that he would be able to be in love with more than one person scared the shit out of me, and I've told him this.
He understands, but says he can't change ... more
The short answer is you can ask for anything you want from a partner what is wrong is demanding they conform to your understanding of love and relationship. Now you haven't said he's considering or has found someone else who he loves along with his love for you. DOES he have another person he is in love with? If not, then why are you worrying?

It is a fallacy to say that everyone who knows they are capable of polyamory is miserable in a monogamous relationship or that they cheat. I am PERFECTLY capable of loving two men...but I am also capable of making a choice to be monogamous and be deleriously happy with my one partner. This line of logic is akin to saying a Bisexual person could never be happy with one partner only...there are those on these forums who would point and laugh at you for saying it!

You should not be scared, sweetheart. You should be intrigued to learn something new and different about your man. You shouldn't worry about him leaving you, rather, you should celebrate that he is choosing to stay! He LOVES you, trust in that and open the way for him to prove how much he can enrich your life rather than punish him for an unproven fear. There is no reason he HAS to love anyone else...he just recognizes the ability to do so in himself.
Why would you assume that you are also not free to build a loving relationship with someone your wonderful partner thinks is amazing? You could BOTH be loving someone...it's worth thinking about.

If you are truly monogamous and really cannot love more than one partner then CELEBRATE THAT! Be proud that you know your own heart and that he knows his. Open the way to communication instead of sweeping it all up under the rug of "jealousy" AKA fear. Even if you don't end up working out together you will have earned a friendship, learned how to communicate and lots of problem solving techniques that will enrich your next relationship! As I said before there is no NEED for a poly person to have multiple partners but only the person in question has the right to make that decision.
You have the right to ASK but you do not have the right to demand. If you ask and the answer is no then he is not the person you want to be with...it's as simple as that.
12/20/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
I don't believe that you can make someone change the way their heart loves, or that really a person themselves can change that. I identify as poly, and for me trying to change that would be like trying to change the fact that I am pansexual. Even if it's not an option I am exercising in my current lifestyle, it's something that is there and that is a part of me and how I view the world.

What you can do is have boundaries in your relationship that both of you consent to and are comfortable with. You are obviously only comfortable with monogamy. Is he willing to be in a monogamous relationship with you? And if so, are you willing to be in a monogamous relationship with him knowing that he is capable of loving more than one person?

It's okay if you aren't capable of that. But it's not okay to try and force someone to be something that they aren't.
12/20/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
I agree with Chirple and Kkay.

Because of all the emotions involved, some people just can't do poly...nothing wrong with that. Some people say that's where they're happiest, nothing wrong with that.

Just follow your own compass and be brutally honest with yourself.
12/20/2011
Contributor: Megan Jean Megan Jean
Thank you all<3
12/20/2011
Contributor: SexyStuff SexyStuff
Can't ask him to change, especially when he was so open with you to begin with. It was your choice to get involved, now you have a tough choice whether to stay. Good luck!
12/21/2011
Contributor: Cherry21 Cherry21
Quote:
Originally posted by jedent
how about this, why don't YOU change? why does it have to be that he's wrong?

if you guys don't work, walk away. there is no changing of anyone, only educating.

a great book to read on the subject is "open" ... more
um, a person doesn't need to totally reorganize their thoughts, feelings, and morals around someone else. If its something you're willing to work through, then give it a try. but if you know it would never in a million ways work for you, then maybe you two should split ways. being unhappy forever isn't worth it!
12/28/2011
Contributor: oohlookasquirrel oohlookasquirrel
I didn't realize I was poly until last fall. If my primary partner were to demand that I always be monogamous and never love anybody else, I would have to end the relationship. I don't think I will ever be able to commit to someone who is trying to make me into something that I am not. I've never cheated on a partner and I never intend to, but I could not sign up for a lifetime of monogamy.

If you want this guy to commit to you and only you, for the rest of your lives, I think you may be mismatched. I would not be SCARED, unless breakups scare you. That doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you or anything, unless he's a jerk. There are jerks in every community, but all polyamorous people are certainly not cheaters.

You can't change how he feels. You can ask him to behave monogamously, but that's not going to keep him from falling in love with someone else while he still loves you. If the possibility of him doing that is really really scary, you might be better off with another person. If you love him enough that you'd like to try to hang on a bit longer, maybe you will get less scared of polyamory in the future. If you're always going to feel this way about polyamory, you should probably find a different partner.
01/20/2012
Contributor: Badass Badass
Quote:
Originally posted by Megan Jean
I am in a committed, monogamous relationship.
He is poly, I am not.
His belief that he would be able to be in love with more than one person scared the shit out of me, and I've told him this.
He understands, but says he can't change ... more
I totally understand where you are coming from, if my guy told me that I would kind of freak too.

maybe if you can't accept him being with someone else, nor can he accept being with you and you alone, maybe its time to start thinking about moving on.

because if neither of you change, the day will come when he finds person number 2, and your going to be even more heart broken then, then when he says it right now.

I dont know all the details, but this is just my personal opinion.
01/23/2012
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
The key word in any relationship is compromise. Learn more about the polyamorous lifestyle; what exactly scares you about? If it's a knee jerk reaction and that's it, you need to educate yourself.

There is no reason to feel scared lol. And honestly, you can't ask people to change. The only person that you can change is yourself, and if you're not willing to compromise, move on before there is heartbreak for both of you.I

Personally, if my partner told me he wanted a poly relationship, I would be ecstatic. I have no issue simply loving one person, but I prefer to have multiple sexual partners.
01/23/2012
Contributor: zecookiepuss zecookiepuss
I understand where you are coming from... I feel it IS scary to have your partner want to be with other people, but (as I know from personal experience) all on you. It's your insecurity that is making you feel that way. I personally believe that polyamory makes the most sense and didn't think I could love two people until I ended up doing so... but it's a commitment to being very open, honest and trusting with your partners and the communication part is tough for me. Do what feels best for you, but you can't ask him to be anything but him. Good luck!
02/05/2012