My partner and I recently found ourselves in the middle of a swingers party. We had been completely unaware before hand and taken by surprise. While we both accept the lifestyle and even respect it, my partner is extremely monogamous. It just doesn't seem like it would suit us very well. However, the 2 couples invited us to join them. The first couple was very considerate of us and reminded us that no one would hold it against us if we weren't into it. We decided to join in a soft swap and my partner and I enjoyed some time together. All in all the night went well enough and my partner and I did not engage in anything we weren't comfortable with.

I later discovered that the woman from the second couple was trying to force herself on my partner without my knowledge. She had been trying to convince him to just go with it and forget about the consequences, saying that "you only live once". This not only upset me but my partner was pretty bothered by it too. She had just met us and did not know what type of person my partner is and didn't seem to care what effect it could have had on my relationship.

Then, I found out the way the first couple had come into swinging. I got the readers digest version of the way the first time happened. I know it's very likely I'm missing part of the story but I was even more apprehensive of the woman from the second couple. I fear also that the man from the first couple may not be fully aware of the way things are supposed to work. They have their rules and it seems to be working for them for the time being though.

My questions are: How did you get into swinging? Have you ever had problems following your rules or communicating with your partner? Have you ever encountered another couple who might be in it for the wrong reasons, and what did you do about it?

And personally, should I talk to the woman from the first couple about my questions and concerns? She is very close and dear to me. I just want her to be happy and well. less

It was a party like any other which ended up turning into a swing event later in the evening once everyone else had left. We were invited to stay over and live way out of town and didn't know my friends intentions until it was happening.

Thank you for sharing Airen Wolf and for the advice.

I will talk with my friend about my concerns over the other woman and how she treated us personally. I do not want to interfere with her happiness so I will be sure to let her know that. I am glad that she is enjoying that lifestyle with her husband.

Before we left their house after the party, I thanked them for letting us into such an intimate part of their lives. My partner and I had been clear about what we wanted and it did all work out ok. We just decided later that it just isn't for us, but we are very happy for them.

Though I know there has to be more to the story, I remain concerned about the other woman. I'd hate to see this turn sour for them. less

I would have to agree with Airen on this. You should have been told what happens after hours when the other people leave and what the night had in store for you and your partner. It is not right to assume that anyone will be open to the lifestyle that you live. Each relationship is different and should be treated that way. I am glad that you and your partner were able to try the lifestyle and then talk about it but it should have been talk about it and then try it if you agree on it. less

I would speak with my partner first and ask how they felt about you confronting the woman from the first couple. If they were comfortable with it, I would go ahead and speak with that person and address their lack of respect. If not, I would let sleeping dogs lie and just make sure I was not put in that situation, particularly with that person, ever again.

My girlfriend and I got into swinging because we were interested in a threesome, and in seeking out partners (either male or female) for that, we ended up with a couple who we thought we really great at the time. We eventually learned otherwise, but since then we've been super open about sex and sexual "adventures" as we call them. We do have problems sometimes; I think no matter how open minded you are, it can cause pain when you see your lover developing feelings for another person. And myself personally - since I lost my job in April I have felt the need for more attention, more love, more of everything...but I can't ask my partner to change just because I have or because I'm feeling particularly needy. We have also run into problems with cheating. JUST because a couple is "open" or into swinging, doesn't mean there isn't a such thing as cheating, because there is. My girlfriend had an entire relationship with my best friend behind my back last year, and I've never felt more betrayed or broken by anyone in my life.

There are definitely pluses and minuses to the swinging lifestyle, but I am of the firm belief that as long as you keep an extremely open mind, and more importantly, an open line of communication with you and your partner, everything else will come out in the wash. less