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Originally posted by
Sugarfina
I researched on here to see if this was already on the forums or something like it, but I had no results. I'll continue to see what I can find, but I'd like to see if anyone can give me a straightforward answer to my floating question:
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I researched on here to see if this was already on the forums or something like it, but I had no results. I'll continue to see what I can find, but I'd like to see if anyone can give me a straightforward answer to my floating question:
What happens when a monagomous partner doesn't want a polyamorous relationship, but the other two partners do?
My boyfriend, soon-to-be fiancee, wants to be with only me, but I want to have a polyamorous relationship, and to be completely open. I will always choose him over my other boyfriend, but he isn't happy with the way things are going.
What do you think we should do? Do you think I should drop it? I don't want to coerce my fiancee to do this with me and then end up resenting me and becoming unhappy with me in most regards. He's very upset with me at the moment, and wants me to remain loyal to only him. He's very traditional, persay.
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Such a painful situation! You are very kind and I respect your desire not to hurt your monogamous partner but you are savvy to realize that there is a very real possibility that he will resent you if you force him to accept your desires over his own.
This is the time where you have to have a sit down with yourself and decide what you want and what you need. Being selfish and thinking about your needs could be the most selfless thing you could do for him. Better to cut off the limb before the poison kills the relationship!
While it is perfectly possible for a poly person to live happily monogamously it needs to be a decision made from a place of deep self knowledge and abiding love. Do you love him enough to agree to his desires and live monogamously without resenting him? Can you live with your decision for however many years you are together? How much do you love your other partner? Can you give up the happiness you have being with him without resenting your possibly soon to be fiancee for ending the relationship?
If I were you I would have a sit down with your fiancee to be and your other partner and see if three is a way to work on a compromise. If your monogamous partner cannot bend or makes demands you find to be too restrictive or that these demands are coming not from love but from fear then you have to make a hard choice. In this case hiding behind tradition and being afraid to consider any alternative couldend up hurting everyone...but mostly you in the long run.
Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, love just isn't enough. Certainly I wouldn't get affianced before you work out this major hurdle to a point where the two of you are comfortable, content and able to have loving and productive discussions about your continued relationship and it's dynamic.
I wish you all the best of love and luck, remember sometimes it's ok to be selfish and it's ALWAYS imperative that you remember that you are resposible for getting your needs met. There is nothing shameful about realizing that you love someone but you are not compatible in the long run. The only way you'll know this is to try to work out a solution that gives each of you as much of what you feel you need as is possible. You can always renegotiate later if things change...but this only works if the relationship is loving and the conversation is productive.
