The New Intimacy

What feature would be unignorable in a sexual partner?

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Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Whether you're currently open to new sex partners (or significant others) or merely just open to fictional fantasies, what feature of him/her would be undo any possibility of choosing that particular person?

(The background of the question is my thinking about what it is I would want in a new partner, whenever that time comes. I wonder if I'm too picky or just demanding enough to not be disappointed again. And what is the end-all turn-off for you? Feel free to elaborate! Especially if the one you used to have has changed or if it was the cause of the end of your last relationship.)
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Height (whether too tall or short for your liking)
2  (1%)
Poverty (whatever intensity of poverty that affects you)
2  (1%)
Too Fat/Thin
4  (2%)
Under- (or over-) educated
3  (1%)
Addiction (drugs, alcohol, etc.)
51  (19%)
Opposing Political Beliefs
5  (2%)
Disability
Undesirable Occupation (either something you find disgusting, abhorent, or impossible to adjust to: sewer cleaner, slaughter house, military, etc.)
4  (2%)
STD or HIV positive
162  (61%)
And since this list could go on forever... OTHER!
33  (12%)
Total votes: 266
Poll is closed
09/22/2010
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Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
My vote is addiction. Not only could it cause domestic and legal problems in any relationship, sexual or romantic, but I can't imagine someone addicted to something being able to put all of themselves into a relationship. Especially in committed relationships, the other person should come first always (and you should be first to them too) and how is that possible with addiction? I wouldn't mind fighting for my partner and helping them battle an addiction if they chose to combat it. But otherwise, this is my deal breaker.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
My vote is for three actually, one of them being not mentioned. Both addiction and STD would be on my list, as would a history of being abusive toward women. I've been the girl that believed that abusive men could change and been proven wrong and simply no longer believe that a man that has hurt a woman once won't do it again.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
My vote is for three actually, one of them being not mentioned. Both addiction and STD would be on my list, as would a history of being abusive toward women. I've been the girl that believed that abusive men could change and been proven wrong ... more
Oh darn. You're right! I should have listed a history of abuse to be one of the main ones. I was just trying to list things I remember hearing friends of mine name as deal breakers of being with that person. But that is most definitely a good one because most women should definitely abide by that.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Jen, I'm going to share a project idea a friend of mine suggested after I signed my divorce papers. She said to write down everything you want in a perfect mate - 'emotionally healthy','enthusiastic about life', 'enjoys cuddling' - that sort of thing. Even add physical attributes and what kind of background s/he should have if it really helps to define them. That way you have a clearer idea of what to look for when you're ready again, and it also helps 'put the idea out in the universe'. I discovered my criteria involved more than 'intellectual' and 'creative' (two things my ex-husband had, but he totally failed on being organized, polite, having a sex drive, etc).

But also knowing what you're not looking for - drug usage, irresponsibility, etc - also helps you steer clear of things that are never productive to any healthy relationship.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Jen, I'm going to share a project idea a friend of mine suggested after I signed my divorce papers. She said to write down everything you want in a perfect mate - 'emotionally healthy','enthusiastic about life', 'enjoys ... more
That is a really good idea. I'm trying to work things out in my cluttered mind right now to help me heal. Because I thought we were absolutely perfect for each other and it'd be insanity to look elsewhere when our soulmate was right in front of us. But now I'm telling myself that I was wrong and there's someone else out there that will be even better for me.

I definitely be starting my list soon once I figure out what is actually important to me rather than what's convenient. And who knows, maybe a trait I thought I hated will turn out to be endearing or something that brings us closer.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
That is a really good idea. I'm trying to work things out in my cluttered mind right now to help me heal. Because I thought we were absolutely perfect for each other and it'd be insanity to look elsewhere when our soulmate was right in front ... more
My friend who suggested it (and was actively looking for her lifemate) found him within six months of making her list - they've been together for five years and are absolutely perfect for each other spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I'm not actively looking, but it's really helped me in figuring out what would be good for me and to solidify a goal. I'm still tweaking it as I educate myself about men and relationships - it doesn't have to be set into stone the first time, edit as you need to. I'll message you my list if you need some inspiration.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
Drug or alcohol addictions. Then i kick them to the curb.
09/22/2010
Contributor: gone77 gone77
I'm going with uncontrollable substance abuse, past abuse of lovers, and I don't think I could overlook someone being religious. I'm too much an atheist to deal with that, I think.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by gone77
I'm going with uncontrollable substance abuse, past abuse of lovers, and I don't think I could overlook someone being religious. I'm too much an atheist to deal with that, I think.
Oh again, I forgot differences of religion as an important one! Dern me! And I don't know how I managed to overlook that one either cause it's particularly important to me that any future partner not be religiously zealous.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
My friend who suggested it (and was actively looking for her lifemate) found him within six months of making her list - they've been together for five years and are absolutely perfect for each other spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and ... more
I am so jealous of your friend. I hope to have a story like that. And I would love to see your list as a way to kick-start my own.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
My boyfriend's a pothead and I love the bastard more than anything on Earth (but that's not an addiction, it's a lifestyle). I could never go for anyone with any sort of STD or communicable disease. My best friend has HPV and I can't even drink after her anymore, because my immune system sucks. If someone in Alabama sneezes too hard, I get sick.

I couldn't be with someone with any sort of substance addiction or alcoholism. I used to be addicted to opiates and at one time cocaine, so just being around people who are into that when I've had to work so hard to overcome it? No thanks. Not ruining my life just for some booty.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
Quote:
Originally posted by gone77
I'm going with uncontrollable substance abuse, past abuse of lovers, and I don't think I could overlook someone being religious. I'm too much an atheist to deal with that, I think.
I'm with you there, Kristi. Not that I'm intolerant of religious people, but those who are very strict in their belief systems (such as not believing in the use of contraceptives or believing a lizard to be the basis for your religion) would clash with my liberal-headedness.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Jenn (aka kissmykitty) Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
(EdenFantasys)
As far as physical attributes, I chose other -- poor hygiene. There's a lot I can overlook, but bad body odor is one thing I cannot ignore!
09/22/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
There's definitely a few that would be deal breakers for me. Mainly I guess addiction or STDs or abusiveness..and ...yea guess I have a lot.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
There's definitely a few that would be deal breakers for me. Mainly I guess addiction or STDs or abusiveness..and ...yea guess I have a lot.
It means you have standards. My own 'no' list has reasonable (and some odd) expectations - no abusive tendencies (both physically and emotionally), no addictions (including video games), no risky behaviors, no outrageous tattoos and piercings, no slacking, and no bigotry.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
It means you have standards. My own 'no' list has reasonable (and some odd) expectations - no abusive tendencies (both physically and emotionally), no addictions (including video games), no risky behaviors, no outrageous tattoos and ... more
The "no slacking" part made me think of people who sag their jeans at their knees and share their underwear with the world. I will add that to my deal-breaker list too!
09/22/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
It means you have standards. My own 'no' list has reasonable (and some odd) expectations - no abusive tendencies (both physically and emotionally), no addictions (including video games), no risky behaviors, no outrageous tattoos and ... more
Yea definitely for relationships especially I've always been pretty picky. I haven't had to look for a man for relationship or otherwise for 9 years now and I am so grateful for that, it's so hard to find someone who clicks for me and my husband really does seem to be my soul mate..I don't even know if I believe in soul mates, but he really makes me want to!


Which ugh makes me sound like one of those mushy gushy people, and I so don't mean to LOL but sometimes I can't help but feel incredibly lucky to have him because I've seen others' struggles and I would never want to go through that.
09/22/2010
Contributor: Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
As far as physical attributes, I chose other -- poor hygiene. There's a lot I can overlook, but bad body odor is one thing I cannot ignore!
Yes, poor hygiene should definitely have been on the list of options. I was going to mention this myself before I saw your post.
09/23/2010
Contributor: kck kck
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
My vote is for three actually, one of them being not mentioned. Both addiction and STD would be on my list, as would a history of being abusive toward women. I've been the girl that believed that abusive men could change and been proven wrong ... more
I second your top 3!
09/23/2010
Contributor: Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
My vote is for three actually, one of them being not mentioned. Both addiction and STD would be on my list, as would a history of being abusive toward women. I've been the girl that believed that abusive men could change and been proven wrong ... more
I third your top three, though I would not tolerate anyone who is abusive to anyone at ALL -- including animals. I would also have to add poor hygiene to this list.
09/23/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Poor hygiene is definitely another I should have listed. I figure if all else about the person is perfect though, I can always throw them in the shower and tell them to brush their teeth if they want any lovin'.
09/23/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I can only pick one? I'm a picky chick. Education, (I like educated men, smart men.) Poverty, (sometimes it's not the person's fault, but I stay at home,(and run a business that makes no money at the present) we both can't. I'm NOT supporting a man, Uh Uh.) I can't tolerate Hideously Right Wing. Or Racist. Plus if a guy doesn''t want sex at least 6-10 times a week, no deal. I am High Maintainence.

I mean a girl has to have Standards. Right?
09/23/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I can only pick one? I'm a picky chick. Education, (I like educated men, smart men.) Poverty, (sometimes it's not the person's fault, but I stay at home,(and run a business that makes no money at the present) we both can't. I'm ... more
I love it! And we definitely have to have standards because you know men will only do the minimum if we let them get away with it.
09/23/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
I love it! And we definitely have to have standards because you know men will only do the minimum if we let them get away with it.
Yeah. I mean, men are picky, too. My Man had "must want kids" on his list. He also had "must love to fuck...a lot!" We obviously synced. Oddly, Education wasn't on his list at first. His parents didn't prize education (my father is a Professor Emeritus, so I obviously do.) Now he says, "I couldn't live with a woman who isn't intelligent." Although it drives him crazy that I am when I outsmart him.
09/23/2010
Contributor: Madeira Madeira
Frankly, STD status, intelligence, addiction, occupation I found abhorrent (I couldn't date someone who spent their time who was a lawyer who defended vast corporations against claims of responsibility for things that are their fault or anything of that nature), too fat (or just physically unattractive to me), or opposing political beliefs on certain core issue, as well certain economic circumstances, as frankly I am a housewife by nature and talent and unless something changes dramatically I do need to be with someone capable of supporting me.
09/23/2010
Contributor: tigerkate tigerkate
I feel like a lot of these would be on my list of things I just can't ignore- but mainly the STD/HIV part, and the addiction part.
I think that all of these are potential issues, but mostly, I'm concerned with how he treats me and how well we get along.
09/23/2010
Contributor: iceman681 iceman681
my biggest thing would be one who couldn't take care of her self. I.E dirty house, living on welfare, kids out of control, socially boxed in, and last on the list stinks(due to bad hygiene, not because she just got off work).
09/23/2010
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Poor hygiene and lack of caring for oneself is something I cannot ignore and let go to the wayside. Also, compulsive cheating since my former fiance decided to cheat on me with over 30 different women.

Now, as far as everything else listed...those things are things that can be worked through. If you love someone, and care for them, you can play a part in helping to get past the many issues that were listed above. Addiction is hard to deal with, especially if a person has had an addiction for a long time, but it can be overcome.

A lot of people live in a state of poverty these days because of the economy. Personally, the person I'm with lives in a state of abject poverty, but he lives within his means and can take care of me. So, poverty doesn't really bother me. I'm a poor college student on the verge of losing her job. We're both understanding of each other's situations.

Why should a job matter in being with someone? Ever seen Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe? I'm sure his lady doesn't mind him doing disgusting jobs since he's bringing home a paycheck. Someone's go to do those jobs.

Why should disability matter? So what if someone's in a wheelchair and cannot do for his/herself. Would you stop loving your partner or caring for them if something happened to disable them during the course of your relationship?

I don't know. I think that anything can be "ignored" seemingly for the sake of love, care, and compassion. That's my .02
09/27/2010
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
STD's, addiction and abuse all go in my vote. But so does nasty teeth. BLECH! My teeth are hardly perfect but they sure as hell arent rotting out of my mouth. I see people with these nasty brown rotting bits in their mouth and I want to gag
09/27/2010