Hmm, have you told her that she needs "coaching" in hand and blow jobs? If so did you put it like that? If you have then maybe she is feeling inadequate and doesn't want to have sex because of it. I know I personally would be mortified if my husband said I needed coaching. Tips are fine and it's great to give feedback about what works and what doesn't...but I think subtly is key for a lot of people.

Also, if your wife is not in the mood and wants her body left alone I'm not sure it's fair for her to have to give you a hand job or blow job because you're in the mood. Maybe if you handle it yourself if she's not in the mood she wouldn't feel such pressure. If she's not in the mood to be touched chances are she's not in the mood to service you either. I know that if I am stressed out the last thing I want to do is go give my husband a blow job or hand job.... I mean your idea seems focused solely on your getting off and little with her needs. I understand that you give her massages, and that's awesome..but if she's not in the mood for sex she's not in the mood for sex.

There could multiple reasons why she only wants sex every few months, seeing a doctor might help her figure it out..if she sees it as a problem or if this is something new and not like her. If not maybe a counselor for the two of you might be good so that you can understand where she's coming from and she can understand where you are coming from.

There's plenty of toys that could be helpful. Maybe a fleshlight or something similar for you and if she's interested maybe a small vibe or something that could help get her in the mood or help her to enjoy sex more.

Hi Alicia-

Thanks for your answer. I haven't given her any feedback on needing coaching. I certainly wouldn't put it that way if I did. If you were her, how would you best receive a suggestion?

I constantly praise her about how great she is in bed. I've told her that I just want some more variety and more frequency. We have been to see a sex therapist and she called it off after about 3 months. She said it wasn't doing any good; it wasn't going to change anything. So, that leaves us in a precarious place.

It seems to me that if we're in a monogamous relationship, we have to find a common ground. The low desire partner has complete control over the relationship. I am trying to be as open and supportive as I can. The truth of the matter is: I need more in this area from my partner. I guess the alternative is that I leave the relationship and find a partner who desires to be more sexual.

She doesn't like me (or her) to use vibrators or other toys. She doesn't masturbate either.

Any more thoughts?

Thanks.

I don't know, I think a lot of it depends on what is causing her to not desire sex. Has she always had such a low sex drive? If so, then I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect her to be able to just kick it up a notch. If she used to have a higher sex drive and it has just suddenly dropped then something is wrong somewhere. Either it's something emotional or something physical/medical..perh aps something hormonal? That's something she's going to have to work out though.

If she doesn't like the use of toys too it sounds like maybe it's an emotional block somewhere. Does she have a reason why she doesn't like you to use toys? I can understand if she chooses to not want to use them herself, but what is her reasoning for you not being able to use them?

I honestly don't know but I think that if I was in this situation I'd be heart broken if my husband decided that I either needed to put out more or he was going to leave me. Marriage is so much more than just a sex life. However, I'd also not complain if my husband wanted to get some toys for himself. I'm curious if she doesn't want to use toys why you asked for ideas on toys to try in your original post..

As for how to approach the technique of hand jobs or blow jobs..it all depends on the person. You have to figure out what kind of critiquing they handle best and then learn to go about it that way. For example my husband can tell me anything but I'd rather it be right when it happens. If something feels good..tell me then, if it doesn't..tell me that right then too. I'd rather not hear after the fact "hey when you were doing that it kind of hurt.." or "I couldn't really feel much when you...". I also would love for him to be like do this, now do this..do this harder, do this softer, etc. The idea of him telling me what to do turns me on. But it wouldn't turn him on at all. Now him on the other hand I have to tell him later on if it's something that he was doing that I didn't especially like. While we're in the moment I have to be very sensitive to his feelings and I use more body language and he can get the hint on his own and that way there is no hurt feelings because it's him figuring it out, not me telling him what to do. It's the same for good things with us...if something is good I will sometimes verbally say it's good but usually I'm just more vocal and so he gets the hint..then if he stops doing what was good I'll quiet down and when he doesn't hear me being as responsive he knows that he's not hitting it.. kind of like that game "hot or cold". So really it all depends on the person and the communication style of the couple.

In the end though I really think that her issue is more serious than something that a quickie or her servicing you is going to fix. Honestly it sounds like maybe there is more issues in the marriage than just that too, if you're to the point that if you don't get more sex you're thinking about leaving the relationship..that's dangerous grounds and maybe she's picking up on that and it could be psyching her out of wanting sex.