Communication advice

Contributor: EastCoast36 EastCoast36
I will start with this, my wife and I love each other very much. Still, I admit it, my sex life could be happier. I'm in my late 30's, my wife is a year and a half younger, and we are both active, attractive people. The problem is not really the frequency of sex (though it could be more often), but it is the variety and spiciness. Granted, I'm probably a little perverted, but my wife virtually never suggests anything to mix things up (except if we're out of town alone together, she wants lots of sex and lots of positions). We flirt a little outside of the bedroom, and that mostly consists of code talk, winks, or me grabbing or spanking her butt during a kiss when the kids aren't looking.

Here is what something like 80% of sex is like. She takes a shower after the kids are asleep and comes to bed naked or in t-shirt and pajama pants. We kiss for a couple of minutes, hands touch all over until reaching each others genitals, usually brief oral on me or oral (possibly to orgasm) on her, then it's most often missionary with and occasional doggie, spoon, or rare cowgirl. I've had a vasectomy, so I cum in her after 5-10 minutes, and off to the bathroom to clean. Another 10% is together in the shower in the final days of her period, when she's not completely sure it's all done.

Trust me, I know, it's not bad! I just like to have some of the following to keep it exciting more than the remaining 10% that I have to practically beg for: lingerie (classy or slutty fishnets), costume, striptease, masturbate with toys, porn, light bondage, blindfold, face sit, dirty talk, anal play, or even a round two. I do have mild PE, but I regularly can hold my erection and keep going if given the opportunity. I wish more of them were things I could do to turn her on. I don't think there is an outfit/costume/underwe ar I could wear or watching me use a fleshlight or masturbate in front of her. She has said that doesn't really turn her on unless it's mutual, and she normally doesn't keep her hands to herself for long. We have enjoyed all of these activities, though my wife states she is anti anal sex after a few "just trying for you" attempts over the years. Still, basically none of these happen without my suggestion at the least, and I just wait for the reaction when I ask. It's, she's fine with me going to the toy/porn box or roll her eyes. On top of that, I can't remember one time she shared a sexual fantasy (trust me, I've asked).

It gets old, and I'm starting to show it more and more. The worst is when I am suggestive a few hours before we get to bed, she encourages, and once we're in bed she falls right back to the vanilla routine. It has gotten to the point where she can read my body language that I'm over it, and we argue briefly and not end up doing anything.

Which finally brings me to the help I'm asking for. I've tried to communicate about this with her, though it never seems to be the right time. She immediately gets defensive about not having time to think about wild sex, or that we haven't had much of any sex for various reasons, and at the very end says it makes her feel like she isn't a good wife and will work on it. This leads to either more of the same or a once or twice a year over the top crazy night of sex. The most recent included anal toys and sex, but I have already been warned to not expect that again, ever. I don't want one wild as hell night, I want 60-40 or 70-30 vanilla/spicy ratio. I want sex sessions to last 30 minutes longer than they do now. Am I just out of luck, or can some of you offer some words of advice from experience? Thanks.
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