The New Intimacy

Any Tips For Being Friends With Benefits?

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Contributor: KnK KnK
I've NEVER done this before, but there's a guy I like. I like him, but neither one of us is looking for a relationship. He's leaving town for good in May and I have an entire year to go after that. I like being with him, but I want the intimacy and sex without the relationship. They never seem to work out for me.

I've realized that I like some of the things that come with a relationship, like cuddling, pillow talk, spending the night, and hanging out and what not, but, it wasn't until recently that I realized that relationship and sex and the other perks don't have to all go hand in hand (foolish, right?)

My question is to anyone that has had experience with this. Do you have any tips on keeping friends with benefits drama-free?
12/24/2010
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Contributor: UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
I've NEVER done this before, but there's a guy I like. I like him, but neither one of us is looking for a relationship. He's leaving town for good in May and I have an entire year to go after that. I like being with him, but I want the ... more
In your case, drama seems inevitable. There are already feelings involved, which is never good if you're just looking for nsa sex. You're the one that's going to get hurt in the long run because I'm sure you're feelings for him will continue to develop if you decide to pursue a sexual relationship. Friends with benefits, in my experience, only work out well if the sex comes before the friendship. Every relationship is different, though. In your case, however, it just seems like you're setting yourself up for trouble when the time comes for him to leave town. I, for one, would advise highly against stating a sexual relationship with this person.
12/24/2010
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by UnknownGirl
In your case, drama seems inevitable. There are already feelings involved, which is never good if you're just looking for nsa sex. You're the one that's going to get hurt in the long run because I'm sure you're feelings for him ... more
I would have to agree.
01/04/2011
Contributor: tonyacallihan tonyacallihan
I have a similar situation. The sex came before the friendship in my case. We talked and only knew each other for a short while. I liked him instantly. I thought he was nice and caring and hott!!! He told me from the get-go that he didn't want anything serious. He just wanted casual and to have fun. He had been married, it ended badly and he know has full custody of his kids. So, I said okay, because I wanted him. In my mind I thought eventually he would want something serious with me. But then I also thought you know what, having fun, what's wrong with it? I'm single, so is he. Why not take care of our needs? I guess the problem is that we don't have sex every time we are together. We've gone out to eat, hung out at his house and watched tv. We talk, I can actually have a smart conversation with this guy. I'm really falling hard for him.

Now I'm obsessing everyday wondering if he's seeing other girls, how many? How often? I know we can't be together everday, he has his kids to think about and to take care of and they should come first. I'm more than okay with that.

I know I'm going to get hurt in the long run. Right now I want to ask him if he's seeing other girls. But I haven't I don't want to ruin what we have. When I'm with him he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his life, he tells me thigns I couldn't imagine him just sharing with anyone. But you never know, right?

So, what should I do? Should I keep trying this casual thing, I do have a lot of fun with him? Or should I end things now before I get in to deeply and get crushed?
01/12/2011
Contributor: ninaspinkturtle ninaspinkturtle
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
I've NEVER done this before, but there's a guy I like. I like him, but neither one of us is looking for a relationship. He's leaving town for good in May and I have an entire year to go after that. I like being with him, but I want the ... more
dont get to attached and tell him how it is up front
01/18/2011
Contributor: IndependentlyHappy IndependentlyHappy
Just be careful and pay attention to your emotions. Things can quickly get out of hand, and in spite of your best intentions one of you could end up attached to the other when you didn't plan on having those feelings. Cue drama, hurt feelings, and more trouble than you bargained for.

My source? Been there, done that. Thankfully, I was lucky and the friendship survived.
01/23/2011
Contributor: zeebot zeebot
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
I've NEVER done this before, but there's a guy I like. I like him, but neither one of us is looking for a relationship. He's leaving town for good in May and I have an entire year to go after that. I like being with him, but I want the ... more
Be careful! Sex with friends can be really awkward or really fun (or both!) but it often leads to someone wanting a relationship - which just ends in drama and bad times. Be really clear ahead of time that you both know what you're getting into, and what expectations you both have.

If you go for it, good luck!
01/25/2011
Contributor: namelesschaos namelesschaos
I addition to what everyone else said the sexademic has some good general tips. link
01/26/2011
Contributor: ashley5 ashley5
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
I've NEVER done this before, but there's a guy I like. I like him, but neither one of us is looking for a relationship. He's leaving town for good in May and I have an entire year to go after that. I like being with him, but I want the ... more
DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
01/30/2011
Contributor: PussyGalore PussyGalore
Bad bad idea and I laughingly recommend seeing No Strings Attached.

I think friends with benefits is kind of a misnomer for the single world. Unless you are a die-hard bachelor/ette somewhere deep down you are always looking for someone to be in a relationship with and the chemicals released during orgasm mimic the feeling of being in love. This can be confusing if there is any kind of emotional foundation. Even the best of us get jealous on occasion and that could be the end of a friendship.

But, hey falling in love with someone is one of the easiest things to do if you are receptive and I don't think it would be a disaster if you ended up in a relationship with this guy. As long as the other things mesh and there is love, honesty, and respect what's the problem?

Looking for a relationship or not looking for a relationship, neither starts nor stops a relationship from happening.
01/30/2011
Contributor: KnK KnK
Thank you everyone for the insight. I appreciate it, but I must update.


Update: I could have sworn that I updated on this, but guess I didn't.

Nothing happened. I made a point of making sure he never knew where I lived, and I only exchanged my AIM account with him since his phone doesn't work and he doesn't use FB. I was on the fence for awhile, but the more I thought about it, and the more time I spent with him, he started getting on my nerves and he was just plain depressing to be around. It was like hanging out with Eeyore. He acted like nothing ever mattered so why should he bother. He actually told me that he didn't think it was a good idea, which I began to see as funny because he kept wanting me to spend the night and cuddle, and when it was morning, he never wanted me to leave. He told me it was a bad idea because I might get attached, but the more time I spent with him, the less I liked his personality, and the more he seemed to get attached to me...

When I was still on the fence, I looked to some trusted friends for advice; they came back with a resounding NO. I didn't want to listen, and I was going to go against their advice. I thought about it extensively and decided it was a horrible idea. Since he kept telling me he didn't want anything complicated, I decided he was right; why make my life any more complicated than it is. I don't need drama; I get that enough from my peers and I do my best to stay out of it.

It sounds strange, but not sleeping with him feels like it's one of the best decisions I've made recently. Besides, he started making me angry before anything even had the potential to happen. He started patronizing me like I'm some sort of dumb kid just because I'm younger by a few years (it probably doesn't help that he's an eldest and I'm an assertive person that doesn't appreciate being pushed around).

All in all, I essentially cut him off. He has no way of contacting me unless I were to turn on my chat/contact him first. At least I was that smart. I haven't talked to him in...3 weeks I think. To be honest, I don't know if I have the desire to. The only risk I really have is if I happen to accidentally run into him. We have some mutual friends, but he's kinda reclusive and I don't expect to see him around too much. Thank goodness for that.
01/30/2011
Contributor: SoBlue SoBlue
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
I've NEVER done this before, but there's a guy I like. I like him, but neither one of us is looking for a relationship. He's leaving town for good in May and I have an entire year to go after that. I like being with him, but I want the ... more
just keep your mind open and see it for what it is hun, try not to make mountains out of mole hills
04/05/2011