Things are NOT getting better...

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Things are NOT getting better...

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Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
So as many of you know, I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years back in March/April. I couldn't really see my way out of it at the time and ended up back with him for a short time in June, and then we split again (same reason - his life is just too complicated and he has too many personal/mental health issues to be with me...or anyone) for the entire summer. I spent 7 or 8 weeks without him and really wasn't doing better. I can't seem to see how it's possible that I'm going to find anyone I'm compatible with as I was with him and that I'm as happy with. We got back together for 2 or 3 weeks and then, yup! Over again. Except this time it's done - things have been said that can't be taken back and he's finally come to the realization that he's just not a strong enough man to be with anyone, and won't be anytime soon.

So here I am, alone (as I have been for the majority of the last 6 months), without hope, and without the future we had planned together. I ended a marriage prior to this and had no problem seeing a life without him and happiness down the road. But I feel like this man really was the one, he was the best fit for me I'd ever found in every way, and I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel here. It seems that my two choices now are to be alone for good or settle for someone and always look back on him. Has anyone felt this way before, like there is simply no hope for them, and had it turn around? The bottom line is he can't be with me and I deserve someone that would've fought harder for me anyway. But he was wonderfully submissive and kinky, had all the same interests, was my physical ideal, made me feel absolutely beautiful, and was my best friend. What are the chances I'll ever find anything close to that again?

I'm also creeping up on 30 which makes this even more stressful - it just seems like it's over for me.
09/26/2011
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Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Oh don't think of it like that, Tori. *hug* Plenty of us here are in similar situations and the only thing to count on is that things change. You don't feel good now but that doesn't mean that you'll always feel that way. And love and happiness don't have age restrictions. I very much believe it will happen for you if you don't close off to the possibilities.
09/26/2011
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
Oh don't think of it like that, Tori. *hug* Plenty of us here are in similar situations and the only thing to count on is that things change. You don't feel good now but that doesn't mean that you'll always feel that way. And love and ... more
Thank you Jen. I'm trying to keep my mind open but I can't fathom any other relationship comparing to this one which makes me think I'm just going to spend the rest of my life settling.
09/26/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
Thank you Jen. I'm trying to keep my mind open but I can't fathom any other relationship comparing to this one which makes me think I'm just going to spend the rest of my life settling.
Aw, honey. I feel so sad that you are feeling so hopeless.

There is a life after him. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but as he has emotional issues that prevent you from being together, I know you know people simply don't change enough for this to be a reality. I'm so so sorry.

Sweetie, have you looked into some short term therapy to help you get your life back on track? Being depressed and lonely is hard enough, but a good therapy will not only help you feel better, but will help you understand why it has to be this way and help you cognitively understand that things eventually will get better. You know this, but bringing the knowledge from your rational thinking into your emotional feeling may require some outside help.

My thoughts are with you.
09/26/2011
Contributor: Nora Nora
After my divorce (over a decade ago) and many bad relationships, I was left feeling almost the same way. It's kind of funny though, when you stop really looking (and hoping that "this" guy might be better than the last), you can get a great surprise! I met my partner over 8 years ago after I decided I would just stop looking for anything long-term.

I wouldn't give up or settle on anyone! You'll find someone or something that will make everything feel better eventually, it will just take longer than you think it should.
09/26/2011
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Aw, honey. I feel so sad that you are feeling so hopeless.

There is a life after him. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but as he has emotional issues that prevent you from being together, I know you know people simply don't ... more
Thanks P'Gell. I've actually been in therapy through most of this and it just wasn't making any real difference. I am apparently well equipped to move on, am appropriately adjusted, but just can't right now. I was basically told that I know and understand everything I need to and that time is really the only thing that will make a difference now, and keeping myself busy and active and social. I do my best but when there really is no guarantee of anyone/anything else, I just can't wrap my head around it. I never believed there was a 'one' until I met him and I can't see there being anyone else.
09/26/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Aw, honey. I feel so sad that you are feeling so hopeless.

There is a life after him. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but as he has emotional issues that prevent you from being together, I know you know people simply don't ... more
P'Gell said this a lot better than I could have, and I think she's got some great advice there.

Lots of hugs for you

Aaaaand after reading further, I see your response. I feel like I can't offer anything better than "hang in there" but I know you'll find somebody else who clicks that well eventually. In the mean time, keeping busy like you have been is what I'd suggest next. again.
09/26/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
Awe sounds like you just need some time for yourself. I think you need some well deserved you time. I am sure that you will find someone again, never settle for anyone. This will only make things worse for you. You will have no issue with finding someone as kinky as you want and need. There is plenty of them out there. Hang in there girl!
09/26/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Hon, you know I'm 34 and still found someone else after thinking I didn't deserve anyone worthy. (And, yes, I sincerely believed at 32 that I was too old to find anyone.) You have to give yourself time. This has been only six months since it started (even though it feels like six years), and you're doing very well.

The fear is just a feeling, that doesn't make it the truth. The Truth is that you know who you are, what you like, what you want, and you will not settle because it only feels like you 'missed the boat'.

Accept that good things take time to happen. It makes the waiting more bearable.

We love you here, Tori. Never doubt that.
09/26/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
Thanks P'Gell. I've actually been in therapy through most of this and it just wasn't making any real difference. I am apparently well equipped to move on, am appropriately adjusted, but just can't right now. I was basically told ... more
It's so hard to wait until the heart decides to heal. It seems to take ages.

My thoughts are with you. You will heal, you know that. The hard part is making the heart understand what the mind knows.

09/26/2011
Contributor: kinky girlfriend kinky girlfriend
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
So as many of you know, I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years back in March/April. I couldn't really see my way out of it at the time and ended up back with him for a short time in June, and then we split again (same reason - his life is ... more
I would ask the Ex if he is willing to work harder and fight and get well so you guys can be together happy and healthy
09/27/2011
Contributor: kinky girlfriend kinky girlfriend
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
So as many of you know, I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years back in March/April. I couldn't really see my way out of it at the time and ended up back with him for a short time in June, and then we split again (same reason - his life is ... more
I'm newly single...I would focus on yourself and live your life and be happy and not take too many moments crying. Live your life find true happyness and peace. Yes you can do this even if you are single and yes there will be times you feel lonely and cry but for the most part move forward. I saw this GREAT article about getting over break ups. If you take the information to heart and apply it,belive me it works. Im not sure if you live a healthy lifestyle but deciding to do that and work out defiantly helps many things especially fighting bad moods.

Do you enjoy movies,tv shows,video games,magazines,books? I find just live and do what you like and dont delay really hellps. If there are some of those things you arent sure you like you can always just think differently and give them a try. One thing that helps me is making wishlists at my favorite sites,amazon and walmart. Take care of yourself and when you have done some good things give yourself rewards buy something off your wishlist. Just focus and be happy on what you do have in life it can always be worse then you are even more happy a nd grateful for example you arent missing both your arms or that your not stuck sick in a hospital bed. When you think how bad things in life CAN get and you never know WHEN live and be happy while its easier. Yes its easy to say things than to do t hem,but when you do them its so worth it you feel SO GOOD.

09/27/2011
Contributor: LadyDarknezz LadyDarknezz
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
So as many of you know, I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years back in March/April. I couldn't really see my way out of it at the time and ended up back with him for a short time in June, and then we split again (same reason - his life is ... more
I'm so sorry that things turned out the way they did for you. My situation with my ex-boyfriend was kind of similar. I felt like he was the one and I am still pretty much suffering over our split, since it was not amicable at all. To answer your question about feeling like there's no hope , I'd have to say I'm at that point in my life. It's been almost 6 years since my break up with him and I still feel pretty horrible about it. I thought for sure he was the one for me. I haven't been with another man since him, either.

I'm only 23 right now and have lots of medical issues, so I feel like I won't really have another chance to find anyone else. So I'd simply say: Since your still able to get out there and find someone, go for it. I applaud you for sharing you story and I really hope things improve for you.
09/28/2011
Contributor: Menarae Menarae
Aww, honey, I feel for you. Sometimes it sucks to be on your own, like when you're upset and just want someone to hold you. But as long as there are other people in your life--family, close friends--you can lean on and celebrate with, you're not alone. You were with this man for two years, and you were wholly committed. And now you're hurting. That's completely normal. I heard once that it can take at least half as long as the actual relationship to recover from it.

There's nothing wrong with spending a little time by yourself. Use this time not only to heal, but to explore who you are. Whether that means listening to some new music or reading new books, taking a night class (or going back to uni), exploring your options with your career, or going on a fabulous trip, you can still enjoy yourself. Go out with your friends and laugh. Redecorate your home. Take up a new hobby. Learn to meditate or dance. Become a social butterfly. But whatever you do, don't pressure yourself into a new relationship right away. You'll just wind up hurting yourself (and possibly the new guy.)

And believe me, you're never, ever too old to find love. My mom met her boyfriend...thirteen years ago. She was in her 40's and with two pre-teen children. You'll find someone in time when you're ready.
10/03/2011
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
I'm going through the exact same thing. I saw a life and children with someone who in retrospect was not my match and rather abusive. I feel like I'm drowning and have no hope of finding anyone else. Only a couple times a week, since I've left him, have I really felt better.

One involved the vixskin mustang but.. we won't get into that.

I was on my way to class and saw a guy from a class I had last semester walking towards me. He was staring straight at me so I gave him a smile and a wave saying "Hey. Hows it going?" and even if it was a quick walk-by he smiled and returned my greeting.

Previously I had felt ugly, fat, undesirable and basically like a monster. Talking to someone and getting a friendly reaction was enough to spark a small bit of hope that things will be ok. It's a daily struggle but it will get easier.. things will be better.
10/16/2011
Contributor: badk1tty badk1tty
You say you'll never feel this way again, but you will. And when you do, you'll say you've never felt this way before. Hang in there.
10/16/2011