Hello:

This may not be a problem for many, but I am one of those people who cannot find my clit. Before I get negative comments, I have been sexually in active for over 14 years and is now trying to learn who I am sexually. I have been buying so many vibrators that I am about to give up and call it hopeless. No, I do not have a partner, nor I do not know what turns me on (male or female or Bi). However, I decided to teach myself how to have an orgasm (also one of those girls), maybe I am doing something wrong, I may not patient enough, or just not positioning the toy properly. I say that because through the countless examinations I have done on myself, I cannot seem to feel any notion of a clitoris. It is the same thing into having any toy on me for at least 45 minutes. This is my last chance to try to find my how to obtain the elusive orgasm I have heard so much about but never seem to find.

Thank you very much for your help. less

First, I would like to say Welcome to Eden! And I don't anticipate any negative comments because this community is very accepting and supportive of all people in my experience.

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. I'm not sure I can help because I don't really know much about this type of issue but I can offer some thoughts. I was wondering if you had been to see a doctor about this issue because it sounds medical to me. I do know that there are medical conditions which would cause a person to either not be able to orgasm, or their clitoris is underdeveloped, hidden or they were born without one -- and there are also medications that would lessen sensitivity in that area. It might be something that your doctor could help to fix if you were to mention this issue. I definitely would not give up hope in having an orgasm before getting checked out by a medical professional.

Sorry I couldn't offer more advice. I hope you find an answer soon!! less

Hi:

Thank you your response, I have been thinking of speaking to my GYN about the matter, but, I am shy in talking to him (he is very cute and muscular) and I don't even know where to begin. I must be honest, I do have some medical issues and take a couple of pills. I have thought of giving up so many times but at my age I thought I would be better at sex and knowing my body (I feel like a teenager now starting to experiment). I also must say that I do get really excited and hot and bothered when I see women licking each other and kissing each other which has cause me to question my sexuality. Who am I really? How do I begin to find that out while trying to keep things under wraps? No one in my circle can know about my issue, or my desires, when it come to certain issues my family and circle are closed-minded. I will rethink your advise and see if I can work up the urge to tell my doctor my issues. In the mean time for a 46 year-old, I guess I will stay frustrated. less

Dear sexually inactive!

I totally agree with Perspicace mais érotique! There is nothing to be ashamed of! Anorgasmia is not so rare problem, especially for women, as you might think. And no matter what gender you're attracted to, it is a great point to start from an open conversation with your doctor. Just tell him how you feel - that you have a problem, but too shy to speak about it, and he'll help you to tell your story. Writing a note is a wonderful idea also.

Some kinds of medicines can cause anorgasmia also, so you might want to check yours and maybe looking for an alternative option.

Also, many problems and blocks are in our minds. For example, if you've been told from your childhood that sex is bad and something dirty, and sexual relationships with the same gender as yours is wrong, these convictions may cause fears, anxiety and feelings of guilt, and therefore inability to relax and enjoy the sexual activity.

So I guess a psychologist consultation may be a big help here!

I truly believe you should never give up and try every possible way to resolve this issue! less

Hello Leil@:

Thank you very much for your response, I will definitely bite the bullet and talk to my doctor. As for finding out who I am sexually and what I like will have to talk to some one, but it is so embarrassing to actually look at another person in my age group to tell them that I am now trying to learn about sex and find out which gender I desire more, plus, I will need to be in a relationship to work on my self.
Being in a relationship is a mystery for me, I have come to the conclusion that I am not sexually desirable to males or females. I have never been approached to, or cat called, or winked at, or have a conversation on the phone with another person that is related to urges, sexual desires or anything. That is the most hurtful thing I have to realized about myself. For some time I have harnessed so much hatred for my son's father. Now, I feel like I need to apologize to him because I understand why he cheated on me over 26 times. Still remember those names to this day. I know that I am not attractive, so, I just never bothered to approach someone. less

Sorry to hear that you're suffering from loneliness. To be honest, sometimes I feel myself worthless and pathetic and that there is nobody who loves me. I guess everyone has such moments in their lives. And I think the best thing that we can do is to admit our feelings, live them through, cry them out and pull ourselves together.

The only person who should love you and be interested in you is yourself. So everything you did for educating yourself wasn't for nothing. And it is wonderful that you keep studying!

Just stop thinking about what a person you should be to be liked by others. Focus on being a person that you'll like by yourself. When you accept and respect yourself, relationships with others will go on another level.

I think you're doing great by starting exploring who you are and what you love in sex. It is never too late, and there is nothing to be shy or embarrassed about.

I believe that everything will get better, because you don't let down and keep fighting! less

Hi Leil@:

To finish up from what I last wrote, it is so dis-hearting to come to the realization that I have to tech myself about sex and have to pleasure myself, that no one wants to be with me or find me interesting enough to have a conversation. I have spent so many years of my adult life educating myself to make myself appear fascinating, and learning languages to be worldly. I guess when it is all said and done it will be all for nothing because I have no one to show that I am intelligent and I am worthy of a conversation. As I spill my guts in this discussion, I am currently in classes and will graduate next year. It is all I have to keep myself active and to not loose it because I am alone. it is what it is. less

Hello:

This may not be a problem for many, but I am one of those people who cannot find my clit. Before I get negative comments, I have been sexually in active for over 14 years and is now trying to learn who I am sexually. I have been buying so many vibrators that I am about to give up and call it hopeless. No, I do not have a partner, nor I do not know what turns me on (male or female or Bi). However, I decided to teach myself how to have an orgasm (also one of those girls), maybe I am doing something wrong, I may not patient enough, or just not positioning the toy properly. I say that because through the countless examinations I have done on myself, I cannot seem to feel any notion of a clitoris. It is the same thing into having any toy on me for at least 45 minutes. This is my last chance to try to find my how to obtain the elusive orgasm I have heard so much about but never seem to find.

Thank you very much for your help. less

You've already received some great advice, and I echo the suggestions about talking to both your doctor and perhaps exploring some sort of therapy. It sounds to me like some of your issues may go beyond the physical, and I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling to love yourself. Trust me, I can relate, so I know how miserable all that shame and self-loathing can be. Know that you're not alone.

I entered therapy a few years ago, and it's really helped me a lot, in all aspects of my life (including my sex life). While I'm still a work in progress (who isn't?), I'm much happier and more functional than I was a few years ago....and my orgasms are also way better, now that I've worked through some of my body image issues. Good therapy isn't easy and it takes time, but I'd absolutely say it's worth the effort. Not just for your sex life, but for all aspects of your life.

Regarding your doctor, would you perhaps find it easier to talk to a female doctor? A lot of women find it easier to talk to another woman about medical issues related to their reproductive bits and pieces, so if you feel like that would be the case for you, don't be afraid to look into seeing a female doctor about your difficulty orgasming/locating your clitoris.

For what it's worth, my clit is very small and hard to find. You can't see it at all without really digging into the folds of my labia, and it requires quite a bit of precision to stimulate. I've found that the best way for me to find it while masturbating is to sort of gently press with my fingers around the area where my mons (that fleshy triangle bit in front) meets my labia, and feel for the spot where it creates a gentle sort of tickling sensation when I apply pressure. I've found that for whatever reason, a gentle touch works much better than a more aggressive one for clit location. Of course, all this is only what works for me and may not work for you, but since my clit is so good at hiding, I thought I'd share on the off chance you might find it helpful.

You could also try visually examining your own lady bits by squatting over a mirror, to give you a better view of the lay of the land down there. Sometimes it's even useful to have an anatomical diagram handy for comparison, to help you identify all the important bits on your own anatomy. Although if you have a stealth clit like me, that may not end up being all that helpful in actually locating the little bugger, but it can still be very educational.

Best of luck and best wishes to you! less

Hey,

You should be proud of yourself for coming to this site and asking for help first off. There are many people who are in the exact same situation as you are but they never open up about it and they just trudge on. Next don't get so down on yourself I am sure you are a beautiful and exceptional woman. As for not knowing what you like, welcome to life, most of us here are also trying out new things to see what we like. Also everyone changes a lot during their life, that's ofcourse where the term "midlife crisis" comes from. I am sorry you feel so alone and sexually unsatisfied but you are here, and you are doing something about it. My end advise is give it time everyone's body, despite obvious similarities, is actually incredibly different. Please don't lose hope and just remember you are an amazing and beautiful woman who deserves to be happy and be sexually satisfied. less

Hey! I wanted to reach out to you because I can relate to you a lot. I feel like maybe I can help you even if it’s just by sharing my story so that maybe you feel less alone!!

First I’ll tell you I’m 27 and married now. My husband and myself have been together for almost 6 years now! BUT before him, I was with a partner who was very selfish. I was young and inexperienced. I wasn’t sexually active nor did I know much about my body. I didn’t even fully understand what an orgasm was.

It’s smart for you to learn your body and how to give your self and orgasm before you try with a partner! It will help to learn your body so that when you do find a partner down the road, you will know what you like and don’t, etc. take this time to learn your body and enjoy the self love! It’s beautiful!

So I will say that a toy might be a bit much directly on your clit at first. Try just your fingers. Start out just rubbing with your fingers. It’s the rhythm and pressure!! Play around with giving different pressures and circle motions, up and downs, etc. if you can’t find your clit... I would say google!

It’s okay to look online and see a human anatomy comparison. Now remember everyone has different bodies but it will help direct you. Now it may be a good idea to use a mirror and look at yourself instead of going at it blindly!!

I hope this helps!!

Look for toys that are used for the clit - specially made just for the clit! That might help (once you have found it) trust me, you will know when you do!

Now it is important for you to relax. Don’t focus to achieving an orgasm. Just focus on how good you are making yourself feel. It’s all about being able to let yourself go!!

Hope these tips help!
Happy thoughts! less

Dear sexually inactive!

You're going through very hard times, and a majority of people haven't experienced such tough challenges as you are. That's why it is so uneasy to give you any advice - we just don't know what you have been through and how it feels like to be in your place. But I'm sure, everyone who left a post here sincerely strived to help and support you. Unfortunately, we are just humans and can not provide you with professional help. The only thing we can do is giving advice and share our thoughts based on our personal experience.

Sorry if our posts make you feel sad and frustrated! We definitely didn't mean anything bad!

But there are things that only you can do. No matter what your health issues are, it is your choice how to react. You may choose sitting at your window and keep hating yourself, or you may choose to start loving yourself and life overall despite your problems. Since you still looking for help and possible solutions, I think you're not broken and you have the power to fighting for yourself. Stop thinking about what others may think and stop bothering that you may upset some people. Just don't give up.

And maybe not having a partner for 14 years is not a common thing, but there is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to match any ideal model and nobody does. Being lonely is not always a bad thing. At least, you don't have to deal with anybody's dirty underwear and smelly armpits.

Under such tough life circumstances, you have a right to feel frustrated and low-spirited, and I respect your feeling. But isn't now time to get yourself together and allow yourself a bit of happiness? less