Been married for 23 years and had a very healthy sex life up until 2 years ago. At least twice a week but now I haven’t been touched In Two years . I know he is older and had health issues but I still feel reject. Anyone else know what i am feeling?
How long is to long without sex
03/02/2020
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Quote:
Wish I could give you an answer. My husband just has a lower sex drive and I feel rejected but we still have sex. Sorry you feel so rejected.
Originally posted by
Athomas328
Been married for 23 years and had a very healthy sex life up until 2 years ago. At least twice a week but now I haven’t been touched In Two years . I know he is older and had health issues but I still feel reject. Anyone else know what i am feeling?
03/02/2020
(Sorry if this is a long read, but I really do hope this helps!)
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying, or one-sided, or incompatible. I've never been married, so I can't speak for that side of things, but I've been in a lot of different types of relationships with different types of people with different needs.
One thing I've learned is, no matter what, if you want to make things work, you have to talk through EVERY problem you might be going through with your partner. Even if there's potential conflict, even if it hurts. But you can approach it in a way that hopefully won't bruise their ego or make them feel attacked, because you seem empathetic to the fact that his age or his health may be a hurdle for him. There may also be need for a mediator, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental, who can help you sort through this together, if pride or shame are going to get in the way.
Does he even know you're feeling this way? Have you verbalized this to him? Some people just can't see a problem until they're told it even exists. When you do talk about, what kind of wording are you using? Are you starting with "you never," or "you won't," or "why don't you"? Or do you start with 'I' statements-- "I need," "I feel," "I want," etc. Using 'I' statements takes the accusation (intended or not) out of addressing a problem, and puts the focus back on you and your needs.
The problem with sexuality is there are branches to it. It's a physical AND emotional act. So digging up the REAL roots of something like low libido is actually quite difficult, especially if typical ideals of machismo are a blockade. Stigma makes addressing it hard, but there's no overcoming it without realizing that ED and low libido are common, normal, and just another facet of life. It may be layered and compounded, too-- ED develops and further causes depression and anxiety, which can make it all the harder to deal with.
What do you do if medical intervention isn't an option or simply doesn't work? Or if the problem isn't really even medical to begin with?
I don't want to presume too much from your short post, but from the little bit you've said, while I think sexually compatibility is important, I think the rejection is the part that's hurting you most. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship where sex is off the table, but part of what makes us work so well, better than any other relationship I've been in, is that even without physical, in-person sex, we make each other FEEL sexy and desired and loved. We send each other pictures, we talk everyday, whether through text or video calls or whatever, we never stop letting the other know we're thinking about them, want them, and miss them. I don't need to be aroused to tell my partner I think they're hot, and they don't either.
Sex is one thing, passion is another, but their overlap can confuse people into conflating the two.
Relationships between men and women can suffer from the idea that the only kind of sex is penis-in-vagina sex. And that that kind of sex is the epitome of what loving someone can be. This becomes a problem when the man suddenly can't perform, and it cascades into a bigger problem than an uncooperative member, when the reality is it's time to broaden your horizons. The man still has hands! He has a mouth! Toys exist! If the spirit is willing, then it's time to get creative, not get defeated. And this doesn't mean you get off and he doesn't. Not many know, but men can ABSOLUTELY orgasm without an erection (really really!). It's maybe a little different from The Usual Way, but honestly, when there's nowhere to go but up, may as well try, right?
Here's the thing, though-- I want you to take this all with a grain of salt! Because no one is going to help you through this better than an actual couples' therapist (or even a sex therapist (also real, and very valuable for helping people with their mental/sexual health!)) can. But it takes open-mindedness from everyone involved. There's no fixing a problem until you're both in agreement that there even is a problem in the first place.
I wish you the best! Again, sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope something in it helps you towards a solution!
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying, or one-sided, or incompatible. I've never been married, so I can't speak for that side of things, but I've been in a lot of different types of relationships with different types of people with different needs.
One thing I've learned is, no matter what, if you want to make things work, you have to talk through EVERY problem you might be going through with your partner. Even if there's potential conflict, even if it hurts. But you can approach it in a way that hopefully won't bruise their ego or make them feel attacked, because you seem empathetic to the fact that his age or his health may be a hurdle for him. There may also be need for a mediator, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental, who can help you sort through this together, if pride or shame are going to get in the way.
Does he even know you're feeling this way? Have you verbalized this to him? Some people just can't see a problem until they're told it even exists. When you do talk about, what kind of wording are you using? Are you starting with "you never," or "you won't," or "why don't you"? Or do you start with 'I' statements-- "I need," "I feel," "I want," etc. Using 'I' statements takes the accusation (intended or not) out of addressing a problem, and puts the focus back on you and your needs.
The problem with sexuality is there are branches to it. It's a physical AND emotional act. So digging up the REAL roots of something like low libido is actually quite difficult, especially if typical ideals of machismo are a blockade. Stigma makes addressing it hard, but there's no overcoming it without realizing that ED and low libido are common, normal, and just another facet of life. It may be layered and compounded, too-- ED develops and further causes depression and anxiety, which can make it all the harder to deal with.
What do you do if medical intervention isn't an option or simply doesn't work? Or if the problem isn't really even medical to begin with?
I don't want to presume too much from your short post, but from the little bit you've said, while I think sexually compatibility is important, I think the rejection is the part that's hurting you most. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship where sex is off the table, but part of what makes us work so well, better than any other relationship I've been in, is that even without physical, in-person sex, we make each other FEEL sexy and desired and loved. We send each other pictures, we talk everyday, whether through text or video calls or whatever, we never stop letting the other know we're thinking about them, want them, and miss them. I don't need to be aroused to tell my partner I think they're hot, and they don't either.
Sex is one thing, passion is another, but their overlap can confuse people into conflating the two.
Relationships between men and women can suffer from the idea that the only kind of sex is penis-in-vagina sex. And that that kind of sex is the epitome of what loving someone can be. This becomes a problem when the man suddenly can't perform, and it cascades into a bigger problem than an uncooperative member, when the reality is it's time to broaden your horizons. The man still has hands! He has a mouth! Toys exist! If the spirit is willing, then it's time to get creative, not get defeated. And this doesn't mean you get off and he doesn't. Not many know, but men can ABSOLUTELY orgasm without an erection (really really!). It's maybe a little different from The Usual Way, but honestly, when there's nowhere to go but up, may as well try, right?
Here's the thing, though-- I want you to take this all with a grain of salt! Because no one is going to help you through this better than an actual couples' therapist (or even a sex therapist (also real, and very valuable for helping people with their mental/sexual health!)) can. But it takes open-mindedness from everyone involved. There's no fixing a problem until you're both in agreement that there even is a problem in the first place.
I wish you the best! Again, sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope something in it helps you towards a solution!
03/02/2020
Quote:
I just want to commend you for writing such a beautiful, eloquent response. It's a pleasure to have someone like you in our community. I do hope that OP finds a solution to all these things, but as you said - communication is key!
Originally posted by
Tub
(Sorry if this is a long read, but I really do hope this helps!)
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship ... more
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship ... more
(Sorry if this is a long read, but I really do hope this helps!)
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying, or one-sided, or incompatible. I've never been married, so I can't speak for that side of things, but I've been in a lot of different types of relationships with different types of people with different needs.
One thing I've learned is, no matter what, if you want to make things work, you have to talk through EVERY problem you might be going through with your partner. Even if there's potential conflict, even if it hurts. But you can approach it in a way that hopefully won't bruise their ego or make them feel attacked, because you seem empathetic to the fact that his age or his health may be a hurdle for him. There may also be need for a mediator, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental, who can help you sort through this together, if pride or shame are going to get in the way.
Does he even know you're feeling this way? Have you verbalized this to him? Some people just can't see a problem until they're told it even exists. When you do talk about, what kind of wording are you using? Are you starting with "you never," or "you won't," or "why don't you"? Or do you start with 'I' statements-- "I need," "I feel," "I want," etc. Using 'I' statements takes the accusation (intended or not) out of addressing a problem, and puts the focus back on you and your needs.
The problem with sexuality is there are branches to it. It's a physical AND emotional act. So digging up the REAL roots of something like low libido is actually quite difficult, especially if typical ideals of machismo are a blockade. Stigma makes addressing it hard, but there's no overcoming it without realizing that ED and low libido are common, normal, and just another facet of life. It may be layered and compounded, too-- ED develops and further causes depression and anxiety, which can make it all the harder to deal with.
What do you do if medical intervention isn't an option or simply doesn't work? Or if the problem isn't really even medical to begin with?
I don't want to presume too much from your short post, but from the little bit you've said, while I think sexually compatibility is important, I think the rejection is the part that's hurting you most. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship where sex is off the table, but part of what makes us work so well, better than any other relationship I've been in, is that even without physical, in-person sex, we make each other FEEL sexy and desired and loved. We send each other pictures, we talk everyday, whether through text or video calls or whatever, we never stop letting the other know we're thinking about them, want them, and miss them. I don't need to be aroused to tell my partner I think they're hot, and they don't either.
Sex is one thing, passion is another, but their overlap can confuse people into conflating the two.
Relationships between men and women can suffer from the idea that the only kind of sex is penis-in-vagina sex. And that that kind of sex is the epitome of what loving someone can be. This becomes a problem when the man suddenly can't perform, and it cascades into a bigger problem than an uncooperative member, when the reality is it's time to broaden your horizons. The man still has hands! He has a mouth! Toys exist! If the spirit is willing, then it's time to get creative, not get defeated. And this doesn't mean you get off and he doesn't. Not many know, but men can ABSOLUTELY orgasm without an erection (really really!). It's maybe a little different from The Usual Way, but honestly, when there's nowhere to go but up, may as well try, right?
Here's the thing, though-- I want you to take this all with a grain of salt! Because no one is going to help you through this better than an actual couples' therapist (or even a sex therapist (also real, and very valuable for helping people with their mental/sexual health!)) can. But it takes open-mindedness from everyone involved. There's no fixing a problem until you're both in agreement that there even is a problem in the first place.
I wish you the best! Again, sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope something in it helps you towards a solution! less
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying, or one-sided, or incompatible. I've never been married, so I can't speak for that side of things, but I've been in a lot of different types of relationships with different types of people with different needs.
One thing I've learned is, no matter what, if you want to make things work, you have to talk through EVERY problem you might be going through with your partner. Even if there's potential conflict, even if it hurts. But you can approach it in a way that hopefully won't bruise their ego or make them feel attacked, because you seem empathetic to the fact that his age or his health may be a hurdle for him. There may also be need for a mediator, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental, who can help you sort through this together, if pride or shame are going to get in the way.
Does he even know you're feeling this way? Have you verbalized this to him? Some people just can't see a problem until they're told it even exists. When you do talk about, what kind of wording are you using? Are you starting with "you never," or "you won't," or "why don't you"? Or do you start with 'I' statements-- "I need," "I feel," "I want," etc. Using 'I' statements takes the accusation (intended or not) out of addressing a problem, and puts the focus back on you and your needs.
The problem with sexuality is there are branches to it. It's a physical AND emotional act. So digging up the REAL roots of something like low libido is actually quite difficult, especially if typical ideals of machismo are a blockade. Stigma makes addressing it hard, but there's no overcoming it without realizing that ED and low libido are common, normal, and just another facet of life. It may be layered and compounded, too-- ED develops and further causes depression and anxiety, which can make it all the harder to deal with.
What do you do if medical intervention isn't an option or simply doesn't work? Or if the problem isn't really even medical to begin with?
I don't want to presume too much from your short post, but from the little bit you've said, while I think sexually compatibility is important, I think the rejection is the part that's hurting you most. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship where sex is off the table, but part of what makes us work so well, better than any other relationship I've been in, is that even without physical, in-person sex, we make each other FEEL sexy and desired and loved. We send each other pictures, we talk everyday, whether through text or video calls or whatever, we never stop letting the other know we're thinking about them, want them, and miss them. I don't need to be aroused to tell my partner I think they're hot, and they don't either.
Sex is one thing, passion is another, but their overlap can confuse people into conflating the two.
Relationships between men and women can suffer from the idea that the only kind of sex is penis-in-vagina sex. And that that kind of sex is the epitome of what loving someone can be. This becomes a problem when the man suddenly can't perform, and it cascades into a bigger problem than an uncooperative member, when the reality is it's time to broaden your horizons. The man still has hands! He has a mouth! Toys exist! If the spirit is willing, then it's time to get creative, not get defeated. And this doesn't mean you get off and he doesn't. Not many know, but men can ABSOLUTELY orgasm without an erection (really really!). It's maybe a little different from The Usual Way, but honestly, when there's nowhere to go but up, may as well try, right?
Here's the thing, though-- I want you to take this all with a grain of salt! Because no one is going to help you through this better than an actual couples' therapist (or even a sex therapist (also real, and very valuable for helping people with their mental/sexual health!)) can. But it takes open-mindedness from everyone involved. There's no fixing a problem until you're both in agreement that there even is a problem in the first place.
I wish you the best! Again, sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope something in it helps you towards a solution! less
03/02/2020
Quote:
Originally posted by
iovys
I just want to commend you for writing such a beautiful, eloquent response. It's a pleasure to have someone like you in our community. I do hope that OP finds a solution to all these things, but as you said - communication is key!
Sometimes just admitting there's a problem is the hardest, most painful part. Talking about sex and feelings attached to it is touchy and vulnerable a lot of the time. As someone who'd rather bottle up all my feelings and bury them, learning to do exactly the opposite is rough but necessary, and my life is better for it!
03/02/2020
I feel so bad for you!! I can't imagine how that makes you feel but I agree with Tub. I think you and your husband should definitely have a conversation about it. Sooner than later. It's not going to get any better the longer it goes without being discussed. Thats for sure. And sex stuff is difficult and sometimes embarassing for people to talk about because they just don't feel comfortable doing it. But I wish you all the best and I really hope everything works out!!
03/05/2020
If we go three days without sex something is wrong but every couple is different and every situation they face is different. We have had issues in the past in which I could not perform due to a long term medication I was taking.
You and your partner must trust each other and talk about the situation. There is a solution but time, understanding, and discussion is the only way to find it.
You and your partner must trust each other and talk about the situation. There is a solution but time, understanding, and discussion is the only way to find it.
03/06/2020
Quote:
Exceptionally well written and informative.
Originally posted by
Tub
(Sorry if this is a long read, but I really do hope this helps!)
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship ... more
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship ... more
(Sorry if this is a long read, but I really do hope this helps!)
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying, or one-sided, or incompatible. I've never been married, so I can't speak for that side of things, but I've been in a lot of different types of relationships with different types of people with different needs.
One thing I've learned is, no matter what, if you want to make things work, you have to talk through EVERY problem you might be going through with your partner. Even if there's potential conflict, even if it hurts. But you can approach it in a way that hopefully won't bruise their ego or make them feel attacked, because you seem empathetic to the fact that his age or his health may be a hurdle for him. There may also be need for a mediator, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental, who can help you sort through this together, if pride or shame are going to get in the way.
Does he even know you're feeling this way? Have you verbalized this to him? Some people just can't see a problem until they're told it even exists. When you do talk about, what kind of wording are you using? Are you starting with "you never," or "you won't," or "why don't you"? Or do you start with 'I' statements-- "I need," "I feel," "I want," etc. Using 'I' statements takes the accusation (intended or not) out of addressing a problem, and puts the focus back on you and your needs.
The problem with sexuality is there are branches to it. It's a physical AND emotional act. So digging up the REAL roots of something like low libido is actually quite difficult, especially if typical ideals of machismo are a blockade. Stigma makes addressing it hard, but there's no overcoming it without realizing that ED and low libido are common, normal, and just another facet of life. It may be layered and compounded, too-- ED develops and further causes depression and anxiety, which can make it all the harder to deal with.
What do you do if medical intervention isn't an option or simply doesn't work? Or if the problem isn't really even medical to begin with?
I don't want to presume too much from your short post, but from the little bit you've said, while I think sexually compatibility is important, I think the rejection is the part that's hurting you most. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship where sex is off the table, but part of what makes us work so well, better than any other relationship I've been in, is that even without physical, in-person sex, we make each other FEEL sexy and desired and loved. We send each other pictures, we talk everyday, whether through text or video calls or whatever, we never stop letting the other know we're thinking about them, want them, and miss them. I don't need to be aroused to tell my partner I think they're hot, and they don't either.
Sex is one thing, passion is another, but their overlap can confuse people into conflating the two.
Relationships between men and women can suffer from the idea that the only kind of sex is penis-in-vagina sex. And that that kind of sex is the epitome of what loving someone can be. This becomes a problem when the man suddenly can't perform, and it cascades into a bigger problem than an uncooperative member, when the reality is it's time to broaden your horizons. The man still has hands! He has a mouth! Toys exist! If the spirit is willing, then it's time to get creative, not get defeated. And this doesn't mean you get off and he doesn't. Not many know, but men can ABSOLUTELY orgasm without an erection (really really!). It's maybe a little different from The Usual Way, but honestly, when there's nowhere to go but up, may as well try, right?
Here's the thing, though-- I want you to take this all with a grain of salt! Because no one is going to help you through this better than an actual couples' therapist (or even a sex therapist (also real, and very valuable for helping people with their mental/sexual health!)) can. But it takes open-mindedness from everyone involved. There's no fixing a problem until you're both in agreement that there even is a problem in the first place.
I wish you the best! Again, sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope something in it helps you towards a solution! less
First, congrats on 23 years! That's sincerely impressive, though I'm sorry you're having this problem.
There's a lot to consider, when a relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying, or one-sided, or incompatible. I've never been married, so I can't speak for that side of things, but I've been in a lot of different types of relationships with different types of people with different needs.
One thing I've learned is, no matter what, if you want to make things work, you have to talk through EVERY problem you might be going through with your partner. Even if there's potential conflict, even if it hurts. But you can approach it in a way that hopefully won't bruise their ego or make them feel attacked, because you seem empathetic to the fact that his age or his health may be a hurdle for him. There may also be need for a mediator, someone unbiased and nonjudgmental, who can help you sort through this together, if pride or shame are going to get in the way.
Does he even know you're feeling this way? Have you verbalized this to him? Some people just can't see a problem until they're told it even exists. When you do talk about, what kind of wording are you using? Are you starting with "you never," or "you won't," or "why don't you"? Or do you start with 'I' statements-- "I need," "I feel," "I want," etc. Using 'I' statements takes the accusation (intended or not) out of addressing a problem, and puts the focus back on you and your needs.
The problem with sexuality is there are branches to it. It's a physical AND emotional act. So digging up the REAL roots of something like low libido is actually quite difficult, especially if typical ideals of machismo are a blockade. Stigma makes addressing it hard, but there's no overcoming it without realizing that ED and low libido are common, normal, and just another facet of life. It may be layered and compounded, too-- ED develops and further causes depression and anxiety, which can make it all the harder to deal with.
What do you do if medical intervention isn't an option or simply doesn't work? Or if the problem isn't really even medical to begin with?
I don't want to presume too much from your short post, but from the little bit you've said, while I think sexually compatibility is important, I think the rejection is the part that's hurting you most. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship where sex is off the table, but part of what makes us work so well, better than any other relationship I've been in, is that even without physical, in-person sex, we make each other FEEL sexy and desired and loved. We send each other pictures, we talk everyday, whether through text or video calls or whatever, we never stop letting the other know we're thinking about them, want them, and miss them. I don't need to be aroused to tell my partner I think they're hot, and they don't either.
Sex is one thing, passion is another, but their overlap can confuse people into conflating the two.
Relationships between men and women can suffer from the idea that the only kind of sex is penis-in-vagina sex. And that that kind of sex is the epitome of what loving someone can be. This becomes a problem when the man suddenly can't perform, and it cascades into a bigger problem than an uncooperative member, when the reality is it's time to broaden your horizons. The man still has hands! He has a mouth! Toys exist! If the spirit is willing, then it's time to get creative, not get defeated. And this doesn't mean you get off and he doesn't. Not many know, but men can ABSOLUTELY orgasm without an erection (really really!). It's maybe a little different from The Usual Way, but honestly, when there's nowhere to go but up, may as well try, right?
Here's the thing, though-- I want you to take this all with a grain of salt! Because no one is going to help you through this better than an actual couples' therapist (or even a sex therapist (also real, and very valuable for helping people with their mental/sexual health!)) can. But it takes open-mindedness from everyone involved. There's no fixing a problem until you're both in agreement that there even is a problem in the first place.
I wish you the best! Again, sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope something in it helps you towards a solution! less
03/06/2020
Thanks for all the awesome replies. We have had a death in our family this week and that’s why I haven’t been replying back. His dad passed away in my arms. Tuesday and I am gonna let this conversation stay on the back burner for awhile. Thanks guys love you all
03/08/2020
Quote:
Condolences for you loss! Please take care!
Originally posted by
Athomas328
Thanks for all the awesome replies. We have had a death in our family this week and that’s why I haven’t been replying back. His dad passed away in my arms. Tuesday and I am gonna let this conversation stay on the back burner for awhile. Thanks guys
...
more
Thanks for all the awesome replies. We have had a death in our family this week and that’s why I haven’t been replying back. His dad passed away in my arms. Tuesday and I am gonna let this conversation stay on the back burner for awhile. Thanks guys love you all
less
03/08/2020
Quote:
Oh so sorry for your loss!
Originally posted by
Athomas328
Thanks for all the awesome replies. We have had a death in our family this week and that’s why I haven’t been replying back. His dad passed away in my arms. Tuesday and I am gonna let this conversation stay on the back burner for awhile. Thanks guys
...
more
Thanks for all the awesome replies. We have had a death in our family this week and that’s why I haven’t been replying back. His dad passed away in my arms. Tuesday and I am gonna let this conversation stay on the back burner for awhile. Thanks guys love you all
less
03/09/2020
I actually know of many couples that have gone through periods like this. I think there are all kinds of reasons for it but I also agree with Tub--without communication about the issues (as uncomfortable as that might be), it will just get that much harder to recover from as time passes.
And I'm also so sorry for your loss.
And I'm also so sorry for your loss.
03/10/2020
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 7