Insecurities and Sex

As a disabled man i have insecurity's and trust issues do to my past. I therefore am very shy and almost down right scared of women. How ever i am very much in love with women and the thought of being with a women makes me overwhelmingly happy inside. I also have never cum with a women i do not believe it has something to do with my disabillity i relive it has something to do with i have been mistreated in the past. I do not how to deal with positive female attention because of my insecurity and my possible lack of knowledge in the bed room. I have even tried looking for women on cregslist but there ether bots and or working girls and i am not quite despite enough for that lmao. It also does not help i want my partner to genuinely like me and care enough about me to give me a gift i have always wanted no i am not a virgin but i have never came ether that's one part of the gift, the other part is i wanna cuddle with her and be with her in a peaceful way. Sorry i am such a deep person sometimes i go on about shit lmao