Trying to encourage assertiveness in the bedroom

Trying to encourage assertiveness in the bedroom

Naughty Student Naughty Student
Alright, here's my issue!

I would love my man to get into the more kinky side of sex. We have a great beginners kit for bondage. However, its not his thing. I try to encourage him to be more assertive to be less gentle and be creative with the straps. He can get quite verbal in a dominating way but he never gets physically dominant enough to my liking.

I'm thinking maybe getting a slapper or flogger might make him realize that I mean business.

How was your transition into the kinkier side of sex? How did it work for you? Do any of you have any recommendations?
10/14/2010
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ScottA ScottA
I don't know if you're going to be able to get him there without a long process. Talk about his history, your history, why you want it, etc. For some men "kinky" is just too tied up with "abusive" for him to want to do it.
10/14/2010
Alicia Alicia
My husband is subtly dominant. He's not one to naturally be more rough, but if I say "I love having you control me" or "I love feeling you hold me down" he'll get into it. Try talking dirty with it. I have said "I love when you control my pussy, I love you to make it yours by pounding me with your hands" stuff like that. The dirtier and kinkier the talk the more he gets into it.

If I want him to hold me down I'll make thing harder for him..like if he is going down on me and I want him to hold me down but I don't want to ASK him to do it I'll purposely let my legs close while he's doing it. He'll then open them wider but if I let them close again he'll start holding them apart and down, which I then respond to with obvious moans of pleasure. He then knows that's what I want and the rest of the session is kinkier. This works for us because he knows my signals..I suppose the closing of the legs could also make someone think you didn't want the oral..but my husband "gets" what it means.

Spanking might be something that's easier for him to get into. I have yet to introduce a slapper but I really do want to. Or a whip. The thought of that turns me on but I think it might make him feel awkward. We just use hands right now and it REALLY turns me on when he slaps my ass and that's one thing that he really likes too and will do a lot without me even hinting or asking for it. But, if yours doesn't do it on his own you could try saying how much you want him to do it in a sexy voice. From my experience a guy isn't going to turn down a sexy request from their partner!
10/14/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
I don't know if you're going to be able to get him there without a long process. Talk about his history, your history, why you want it, etc. For some men "kinky" is just too tied up with "abusive" for him to want to do it.
Thanks ScottA. So far we know each others histories quite well. I think I will have to be more direct with him in terms of what I want, and communication is in order for sure.
10/14/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
My husband is subtly dominant. He's not one to naturally be more rough, but if I say "I love having you control me" or "I love feeling you hold me down" he'll get into it. Try talking dirty with it. I have said "I ...
You know Alicia I guess my man might be a little open as we behave similarly as you guys do. He loves holding me arms above my head and keeping them their. He enjoys to watch me struggle. He also slaps my bum qithout me having to ask him.

I have been encouraging him more and more to liberaly slap me. We had sex today and he just slapped a breast and I told him to continue and to go harder. I loved it. He is quite gentle and I have to push him a bit but I wouldn't want him to go beyong what he is comfrotable doing.

I am quite pleased and hope I will be able to get a flogger or slapping implement.
10/14/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
I mean...couldn't you just ask him directly instead of thinking of covert ways to "encourage" him? Why not just ask him if he'd be interested in experimenting with a scene, some kind of roleplay narrative? Or if he'd like to try using a flogger? I've always approached all of my partners incredibly openly about kink, and usually my comfort with the subject and honesty has been enough encouragement to allow them to talk about their own fantasies and preferences.
10/14/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
I mean...couldn't you just ask him directly instead of thinking of covert ways to "encourage" him? Why not just ask him if he'd be interested in experimenting with a scene, some kind of roleplay narrative? Or if he'd like to try ...
I think open communication is important, definitely. It's good beforehand to know what's wanted. But for people who are not kinky every time, sometimes it's nice to be able to let your partner know without asking. Because really asking can be seen as dominant..depending on how you do it, especially if you know your partner will oblige just because you asked. If I have to ask in the moment it takes away from it for me, so I do think of ways to encourage him on his own. I think that's similar to what Naughty Student is talking about.
10/14/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I could and probably will talk to him about a particular scene I would like to do but I am reluctant to ask him. If I do talk to him about it it won't be during sex but before while having coffee, etc.

When I have talked to him about things I would like to try he listens but doesn't really share his thoughts on it. I try to ask him what he thinks what he likes and it's usually very vague. He sort of gets distant or talks about threesomes. I'm afraid he will not take me seriously and he'll just put it in a file in the back of his mind as something I would like to try and won't act on it.

I have shown him some BDSM porn that really turns me on and he didn't look at me weird for liking it so I guess in a way he shouldn't be too surprised by my desires.

I don't want to manipulate him into doing something but at the same time he's knows me pretty well already and what I like to sort of push the envelope. Just like today, he tried something new (slapping my breasts) I told him as he did it that I liked it, that he could slap my bum and thighs also. We were communicating the whole time.
10/14/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I could and probably will talk to him about a particular scene I would like to do but I am reluctant to ask him. If I do talk to him about it it won't be during sex but before while having coffee, etc.

When I have talked to him about ...
Yea, I think I know how he is..probably similar to my husband. He loves sex, and is open to almost anything (at least once or twice to try it!) but he doesn't really like to talk about it. He's kind of the type that wants to just do it and not talk about it. But, really I don't want to spend the whole time during sex talking about it or saying "do this, now do this". Also, if I do that during sex he starts to feel like he's not making me feel good with what he's doing, which is sooo not the case. But I guess he's kind of a natural dominant and I'm more a submissive even though we don't often act out the roles per say. But it's still clear in other ways that he's the dominant one in bed so he feels awkward if I try to take over or am too bossy..and honestly I do too because that is sooo not what I want! So, it's better for us to talk about it before hand too, or after. During the actual act it's best for us if I just give light suggestions or hints if I want to try new things. I don't know, it works for us!
10/15/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
Yea, I think I know how he is..probably similar to my husband. He loves sex, and is open to almost anything (at least once or twice to try it!) but he doesn't really like to talk about it. He's kind of the type that wants to just do it and ...
Yes! For us it is very much like that. I also have to be careful what I say bcs if |I direct him too much he feels insecure about his performance although he is doing very well.
10/15/2010
Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Alright, here's my issue!

I would love my man to get into the more kinky side of sex. We have a great beginners kit for bondage. However, its not his thing. I try to encourage him to be more assertive to be less gentle and be creative with ...
Well, really I'd say, that if he's not interested, then don't push him too hard. I always say that what matters is that he loves you. But I do understand that you want to be kinky-I do too, and my husband is very gentle and loving with me and isn't too interested in the kinky side aside from verbal and hard thrusting. So, I don't really know. Just do what you think is right, really. And good luck.
10/15/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I could and probably will talk to him about a particular scene I would like to do but I am reluctant to ask him. If I do talk to him about it it won't be during sex but before while having coffee, etc.

When I have talked to him about ...
Oh, I totally agree that talking BEFORE hand is a good idea! Things can get a little mixed up if you discuss directly before or during...heat of the moment kind of thing. Definitely good to talk with level heads, sometimes even after sex is a good time.

Have you ever thought of making a wishlist for sexual things you'd want to do? Like a top three? And he could make one too? You guys could trade and at your leisure try to incorporate something from it into sex? That way it doesn't feel contrived because when you actually act it out is random and spontaneous, but you're still able to communicate your desires?
10/15/2010
Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Yes! For us it is very much like that. I also have to be careful what I say bcs if |I direct him too much he feels insecure about his performance although he is doing very well.
Yep, exactly. It's much easier to not bruise an ego if you talk about it at a different time than the heat of the moment! It sounds like he's probably open to it but just still feels a bit shy about carrying it out.
10/15/2010
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
My husband is subtly dominant. He's not one to naturally be more rough, but if I say "I love having you control me" or "I love feeling you hold me down" he'll get into it. Try talking dirty with it. I have said "I ...
I agree with Alicia! The more I talk dirty and tell him what and why I like what he does and how it really gets me off makes it easier for him to come out of his shell. He is always worried he will hurt me, but the moans of pleasure that escape my lips let him know he can get a bit rougher or harder with me.
11/15/2010
karenm karenm
I've had the same problem with my partner (I am sort of submissive and he is neutral about it). It's difficult, but I've found that it works best to be direct and tell him in advance, like "I'd like it if you did this to me". That way he has time to think about it and voice any doubts about it, and he won't feel like you're forcing him into it.

I know I felt a bit of guilt about being into something he wasn't into (like it was one-sided and he would be bored), but don't worry about that. Even if he isn't into dominating you, seeing you really aroused should definitely have an effect on him. And I'm sure he wants to make you happy.
02/27/2013
anonymous1298304 anonymous1298304
besides communication outside of the bedroom, (such as flat out saying "you don't have to be so gentle, or "I can take more pain" "it's ok if you leave a redmark" or whatever you are trying to get across)during a scene it can be tricky to ask for something and still uphold the submissive role. i find that body language is easier. even grabbing his hand and squeezing to say grab me tighter. expressing with body language and sound to make sure your partner notices that when they are a bit rougher it's really "doing it for you"

then there is always the sassy bratty approach that depending on his style might bring out a bit more roughness, lol

your idea of additional toys is a good idea also
02/27/2013
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