When your partner doesn't care about their own pleasure.

I've recently started seeing someone and we've been mildly sexual. Everything is perfect. There's mind-blowing chemistry and he drives me nuts in a really good way.

Recently we were playing around a little and I started to pay him some attention while he was doing the same to me, but he seemed more interested in what he was doing than what I was doing to him. I asked him about it and he said he really doesn't care about getting his. He's totally a giver and not really a taker, saying that it "takes too long" for him to really get anything out of it. I mean, he seemed to be really enjoying himself, too.

I'm slightly confused or concerned or something. As much as I crazily enjoy the things he does to me, I want to give that back to him in return.

I'm sure some of you have been there before. Any advice on how to make him enjoy himself more? I mean, having someone totally focused on pleasing you is a wonderful thing, but it's nice when it goes both ways. I'm just not sure what to do to put things more in balance.

From what he's told me about his past experiences in relationships and such, he's been with people that don't really give anything back either in the relationship or sexually, so I've started to think he's developed the total giver mentality because of that. less

Stormy and Kindred have said lots of useful things, and I'm sure you'll get more advice before the thread is over too---but here are a few thoughts from somebody kinda similar to your partner (maybe moreso in the past than now, but still.)

Is this just with one particular sex act (like oral?) or across all things?

From my experience, I don't really like receiving oral. Physically I don't get much out of it, so consequently instead of having my brain turn off and enjoying myself like most of sex, my brain is churning the whole time being like "oh I hope [partner] isn't hurting his tongue, I hope it's not hurting his feelings that I haven't orgasmed already, gosh this is awkward, why can't we just be doing something fun for both of us?"

So, especially with new partners, I learned to just say "hey I'd much rather give than receive," because giving oral is mentally and physically a lot of fun for me. And receiving oral... just isn't.

So, if it's just one thing like that where he might have a mental block---just skip that thing for now. If things develop more deeply between you two, you can always explore and help him feel more comfortable later. (For me, with guys who really enjoy giving oral, we can usually work something out where they'll write me an essay about why it turns them on, and I can make myself focus on how they've explained cunnilingus as a turnon while they're doing it, instead of focusing on myself. And it's still not something I ask for, but at least I can do it and feel comfortable and it's a mutually enjoyable thing.)

If it's all of sex that he wants to only give and never receive, see if you can come up with a clever way to balance it. Let him know that you like to give *and* receive, and ask him to help you come up with clever solutions for a) simultaneous giving and receiving or b) some kind of workaround like I described with receiving oral, where you help him understand that it's turning you on to give, and let him think about your pleasure from giving instead of his from receiving.

I hope this was clearly worded, I kinda suspect it wasn't. But best of luck! less

One thing you'll want to keep in mind (and I hope I'm phrasing this correctly?)

Perhaps it is the case that he doesn't like having attention focused on him because of low self esteem.

So say he decides that he wants to improve his self esteem, and the two of you work on that over time and his self esteem does improve.

That still won't *necessarily* suddenly make him want to be the center of attention, because his turnons didn't develop that way.

So like (I can't even remember how many partners have tried to "cure" me of not really enjoying oral, without really asking for much input from me) even once his self esteem is improved and he has grown and overcome things, celebrating it with a big cathartic two-hour blowjob session might not work, just because his kinks haven't developed that into an exciting thing.

So, yes, be supportive while he grows---but don't expect sex to change on a one-to-one function. Sex and self esteem are deeply interrelated, but it's not always transparent exactly how that goes. Let him get off in ways that work, don't force him to receive when it's not working for him.

PS, yay! Enjoy! less

Talk, talk, talk! While it's fantastic that you've found a giver, the fact that you are wanting to play both roles for him - receiver and giver - needs to be stated. That it's super important to you to be able to give him the same pleasure you're getting.

Investigate possible reasons - intimacy issues, horror stories from past experiences, difficulty ejaculating in general, pleasure doesn't feel the same to him as it does to you...those are just the starting points I would hit. less