HPV, Guilt and Blame

The New Intimacy

HPV, Guilt and Blame

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Contributor: AU AU
I have only had one partner for years. We had been only been with each other and I felt so good about this--for many reasons, including my decreased risk of disease and other unfun things. Recently, an old flame came back into my life and I felt a little pressured into something physical. It happened before, but didn't get far. But this time, he put his mouth to my genitals. It wasn't long, but long enough for me to worry later. I wondered if I could get something from him, though there were no signs of anything. A few weeks later, he called me and said that he thinks he has a genital wart. He hasn't gone to a doctor but he feels certain. Due to family health issues, he does not have the time and money to get tested, he says. So now he says he has to tell his wife. I have the blame for someone's genital warts. And he thinks his marriage will fail and his family will suffer because of it. I feel sick and terrible thinking on this. Just my existence seemed to have hurt his marriage enough. I felt so done with him, and I thought that the long, sad chapter of our relationship was done. My current relationship was doing so good and I gave into such a stupid thing. I have that relationship to worry about now, too. I feel like the lowest, weakest being on the planet. I don't even know if what he has is even HPV at all. But I fear something is going to happen, either way...

What would you do?

I've been looking up HPV stories and most are receivers. But being a giver feels pretty bad, too. I didn't even know.

I didn't think it was a huge deal to get it, because something like 50% to 80% of people may have it and survive and thrive. But it is still nothing nice.
11/20/2011
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Contributor: AU AU
CI wonder if I can get this post moved to the general Sexual Health area? I didn't mean to post it here. Sorry. I'm not thinking right.
11/20/2011
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
I have only had one partner for years. We had been only been with each other and I felt so good about this--for many reasons, including my decreased risk of disease and other unfun things. Recently, an old flame came back into my life and I felt a ... more
I feel you should both tell your significant others anyways. There shouldn't be any secrets like that in a relationship, and the guilt would be terrible. If it IS an STD you should get tested as soon as possible so that you don't give it to your boyfriend.
11/20/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
I feel you should both tell your significant others anyways. There shouldn't be any secrets like that in a relationship, and the guilt would be terrible. If it IS an STD you should get tested as soon as possible so that you don't give it to ... more
I didn't want to focus on this part of it much here, but I did tell my partner some details. It is unfolding at this time.
11/20/2011
Contributor: AU AU
I wonder how likely it is that my friend would have genital warts if he only licked me a little? It doesn't seem impossible as stuff travels through blood, but it seems weird, too.

I think he mentioned the possibility of herpes, I don't know about that. Researching now. I don't think I have...
11/20/2011
Contributor: wrmbreze wrmbreze
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
I wonder how likely it is that my friend would have genital warts if he only licked me a little? It doesn't seem impossible as stuff travels through blood, but it seems weird, too.

I think he mentioned the possibility of herpes, I ... more
Did you think about the possibility that he set you up so he could blame you later? Is it possible that he slept with someone that he doesn't want to admit to and then slept with you afterwards when he found out that he had something? How does he know he has something if he hasn't been checked? Maybe I am being a little cynical here, but it seems a little off to me.
11/20/2011
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
I wonder how likely it is that my friend would have genital warts if he only licked me a little? It doesn't seem impossible as stuff travels through blood, but it seems weird, too.

I think he mentioned the possibility of herpes, I ... more
I have to say, that's the first thing that struck me as odd...HPV is generally spread through skin to skin contact...if his penile skin didn't touch any of what could be infected tissue on you, I'd have to wonder if it's really possible he got ANYTHING from you. If I were you I'd speak to a doctor before doing anything else, explain what transpired, and find out if it's even medically possible for him to have contracted HPV from you. Something about his story does NOT line up to me...I think you may be taking the blame for him doing something elsewhere...
11/20/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Quote:
Originally posted by wrmbreze
Did you think about the possibility that he set you up so he could blame you later? Is it possible that he slept with someone that he doesn't want to admit to and then slept with you afterwards when he found out that he had something? How does he ... more
Sadly, it is sometimes the case that someone is lying. I don't want to sound like a fool, but I am 101% positive that he hasn't been sleeping around. Apparently, he's fooled with someone else a long time ago, but from what I know, it was only hand to genital contact. It is weird. I know his current situation, I actually talk to his wife occasionally (!), so I know he doesn't have much time to go to a doctor without it being suspicious right now.

He could have had something dormant that he received through fooling around years ago? With his recent stress, maybe it is being brought out. He would never be intentionally nasty to me, intentionally do me harm. The timing is suspicious, and I suppose his stress is getting to his mind.

There is also the possibility that what he has is coincidental, not an STD, not a virus like what we discussed.
11/20/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
I have to say, that's the first thing that struck me as odd...HPV is generally spread through skin to skin contact...if his penile skin didn't touch any of what could be infected tissue on you, I'd have to wonder if it's really ... more
HPV, HSV, it all seems somewhat unlikely. I hate going to a doctor now for this, but it would be wise to get their advice.
11/20/2011
Contributor: Starkiller87 Starkiller87
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
HPV, HSV, it all seems somewhat unlikely. I hate going to a doctor now for this, but it would be wise to get their advice.
Why would you hate to go to the doctor to find out if you have something? That is sorry to say the dumbest thing Ive heard. Your health should be top priority, dont feel guilty about something that you dont even know you have.
11/20/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Quote:
Originally posted by Starkiller87
Why would you hate to go to the doctor to find out if you have something? That is sorry to say the dumbest thing Ive heard. Your health should be top priority, dont feel guilty about something that you dont even know you have.
I am one of those people who never sees a doctor, It may be dumb to outsiders, but it is how it is. I've never gotten a gynecologist exam, I hope you all can go easy on me. Some of it is severe anxiety associated with doctors (Sorry, doctors.).

What I mean more by my hating is that I hate more trouble if it is unnecessary and due to someone's hypochondria. But I admit it, it would be good for me to at least talk to a doctor. I don't have insurance, but maybe I can at least try Planned Parenthood?
11/20/2011
Contributor: Starkiller87 Starkiller87
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
I am one of those people who never sees a doctor, It may be dumb to outsiders, but it is how it is. I've never gotten a gynecologist exam, I hope you all can go easy on me. Some of it is severe anxiety associated with doctors (Sorry, ... more
I hate going to the doctor as much as the next guy. I have extreme anxiety problems but Im not gonna avoid the doctor for something this serious. Vagina care is very important, and it really isnt as bad of a doctors appointment as the regular doctor. You need to go to the doctor regardless and get your lady parts checked out, dont be irresponsible. Its time to conquer that fear.

Planned parenthood is free for me. So Id try there.
11/20/2011
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
Quote:
Originally posted by AU
I am one of those people who never sees a doctor, It may be dumb to outsiders, but it is how it is. I've never gotten a gynecologist exam, I hope you all can go easy on me. Some of it is severe anxiety associated with doctors (Sorry, ... more
If you suspect you have HPV you SHOULD be running to get a pap done. HPV causes many forms of cervical cancer and without a pap, if it does turn to cancer, you will not know until it is in very late stages.

I am not in the states so I cannot confirm but I would assume there are free sexual health clinics where you can get testing done.

Like Tori said, something seems very fishy about this whole situation. The smart thing to do here is to get yourself to a doctor immediately (to be safe and because a pap is something you should be doing yearly for your health) and from there, invest in condoms or dental dams and use them if you intend on not staying faithful
11/20/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Starkiller87
I hate going to the doctor as much as the next guy. I have extreme anxiety problems but Im not gonna avoid the doctor for something this serious. Vagina care is very important, and it really isnt as bad of a doctors appointment as the regular doctor. ... more
Coming from one who works in the medical field I can say, there are a lot of people who are afraid to go to the doctors due to anxiety issues or other reasons. Though it is true it is best to go to the doctor for exams like this, it isn't irresponsible at all, actually. As long as no one is symptomatic or shows signs of a health issue, often seeing a doctor isn't needed at all. Statistically speaking, if you show signs of a disease or virus or illness or problem of any kind, there is a 50/50 chance it will be just as easy to treat as without those signs. Of the half that aren't, often it can still be managed or treated but with more time and difficulty.

So really, not going isn't that terrible. I refuse to do self-breast exams, because I don't see the need. People tell me the same thing, but to me it is meaningless. A small enough tumor isn't going to be easily detected by someone who isn't a physician, and by the time it is large enough to be able to, you're already in trouble! So, I just get them annually with my GYN visit, and leave it at that.
11/21/2011
Contributor: Starkiller87 Starkiller87
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Coming from one who works in the medical field I can say, there are a lot of people who are afraid to go to the doctors due to anxiety issues or other reasons. Though it is true it is best to go to the doctor for exams like this, it isn't ... more
I think if you suspect you might have something, even suspect it a little, especially HPV than it is irresponsible to not go to the doctor. She said the guy found a wart, so to be on the safe side if I was in the situation despite my anxiety I would go. I dont think thats comparative to a self-breast exam in THIS case, because I do understand what you are saying. Normally Id agree with you, But from the context of this either way its gonna blow up in someones face. Telling a married women and boyfriend that someone may or may not have HPV do to infidelity. Id rather be checked out make sure I was healthy---if he does have it and she doesnt maybe he is trying to use her as a scapegoat as said above.
11/21/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Coming from one who works in the medical field I can say, there are a lot of people who are afraid to go to the doctors due to anxiety issues or other reasons. Though it is true it is best to go to the doctor for exams like this, it isn't ... more
Thank you!

I appreciate your logic in the "by the time..."

I've seen talk around the internet regarding and from medical personnel saying similar things about frequency of exams and so on.

If it seems unlikely that you have something, never see signs, you might not think to get tested. It is good if you do to make sure, but, in a situation where you've been with one only person who has only been with you, it seems odd to have anything. Better safe than sorry, of course, but whoa!

My one day partner has only been with his wife who has only been with him. It seems unlikely that I have anything from him, but...

Ffff_ck. I guess it's time to find out the truth of things. I might make an appointment today.
11/22/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Quote:
Originally posted by Starkiller87
I think if you suspect you might have something, even suspect it a little, especially HPV than it is irresponsible to not go to the doctor. She said the guy found a wart, so to be on the safe side if I was in the situation despite my anxiety I would ... more
I really can't see this guy using me as a scapegoat for past activities. I have a strong suspicion that something that isn't harmful popped up on this guy and he's jumped to conclusions. Letting his fears get out of control has always been a habit of his. He has a right to be scared, but let's figure this out first!

Things are weirdly excellent on my side. I told my partner everything. We've decided that we are going to put this behind us. I'm so done with this story. I think I've never felt so sure about my place and feelings as I do now. On that guy's side, things aren't going to be so good. Things are going to blow up. They were already fragile for various reasons. So, things may have come apart at some point, but I hate being the face of a divorce. It sickens me. I fear he will tell his wife before getting examined or tested. If he was really worried about his life being "ruined", he'd get looked at, state some irritation or something
before having sex and/or dropping a bomb. I hope nothing comes up. But even if nothing comes up, the truth of our dalliance may come out. And if something comes up on both sides, how do I shoulder this burden? I doubt there is anything I can do. I wish I could turn back time.
11/22/2011
Contributor: AU AU
I'm relieved--he seen a doctor. The doctor didn't sound too concerned. STDs are unlikely. HPV is a slight possibility, but very unlikely considering what occurred. He could get a dermatologist to take a sample, but there is not much of a bump left to take.

I found out that he and his wife had been tested for STDs a few years ago and are according to it, disease free. When I go in to get tested, I don't know how much of a difference the results will make to him. I fear no matter what I do that he is going to be paranoid. And he is right to be a little worried, but I feel he was forfeiting his life before knowing anything and made sure I felt very bad for it. Before knowing for sure! I don't hate him, there is no reason. But I am going to distance myself.

I'm not crying for myself too much. I was terrible. I hate hurting their relationship, though it was crumbling. I should have tried to protect it more and leave it up to only them to dissolve it. Or leave it up to him to find someone else to help him instead of me.

I think he's looking for an escape. Like me, he never really wanted a family. But he got married early, meekly gave into his wife's desire for children (which I think was a way to keep him. Bad idea, in my opinion. I've seen how before.). I came back into his life and I guess he found hope for something else? I crushed it soon after our brief intimacy. Maybe something happened then. He would never throw me away like garbage, but, when I could offer no more...?

I hope someone can see some lessons here.

I am starting to feel bad about posting so much personal stuff here. I won't talk to friends about this, so why am I talking about it here? I thought you guys would have good advice, and you have kindly offered it. Thank you so, so very much. I feel a little more ready to deal with some things. I have my partner, and I've talked to him a lot, but he can only take talk of "the other man" so much, of course. I may become a little more quiet now, but if anything comes up that is worth following up on, I will post.

Thank you.
11/22/2011
Contributor: AU AU
Here's what is up and hopefully after this, we can all ride into the sunset!

I seen a doctor, and boy, did she see me. :/ I'm sure you all would be delighted.

Anyway, nothing really came out of my meeting her but confirmation of what I knew from scouring for facts recently. Nothing can be confirmed, but warts are not something we should even think on anymore, and I wasn't, but I had to ask. Herpes are possible. She said, "Ever have a cold sore? You have herpes." Thanks, I knew that! I think it is most likely that I don't have the below the waist type, but maybe I could have given my friend oral herpes down there? I guess it can happen. However, my doctor seemed to feel strongly that it would be a little too fast for anything to show up in two days.

Weird thing--just today, another friend told me that she heard the accusation that someone has herpes--in a very disgusted tone. More and more, I see poor education leading to very exaggerated beliefs and harmful things. Herpes of any sort isn't fun when it shows up. But it isn't a death sentence! How many of us have it?

Do you think I should have warned my male friend that I have cold sores before we did anything? I haven't seen them in a very long while, maybe a few years, even. So I haven't thought about it.

My friend isn't too mad at me, I don't think. I wish he could calm down, but how can I tell him that when he believes he has seen something worthy of worry? I didn't see it, so I don't know. I can't be in denial, but I can't exactly cry over something we cannot confirm for certain.

Maybe this triggers things that need to be worked out with his wife. It would be sad, but better than living a lie. But I can't say that. I am not in his shoes and I worry about how things go for him if he decides to tell his wife that I may have given him something. Possibly cold sores.

I wish I didn't give into things. I have a weirdly severe problem with making up my mind. When he was pulling on my clothes and I was saying "No", he should have stopped. It isn't that blaming the victim case here--if I wasn't a little curious I could have been more firm. Maybe all I had left was lust for him. But it's gone. Totally. I feel sad, because an era of my life is closing and because of the damage done. But I feel like I'm going through a rebirth. I've sorted through my feelings and people have a clearly defined place. Moving on! I hope he does, too.
11/29/2011