Is foreplay all about an ego boost or guilt?

The New Intimacy

Is foreplay all about an ego boost or guilt?

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: K101 K101
I was told today, that for a guy, pleasing his partner goes like this: if he cares to make sure she's being pleased too (basically meaning if he does foreplay and such) it's never because he truly, truly wants her to orgasm or enjoy it too, but it's all because he would either feel guilty for being selfish and not pleasing her in the sack too or he does enjoy pleasing her, but only because it makes him feel good about himself for being
able to give her pleasure, bring her to orgasm -- with this whole I'm-the-bomb-because-I -made-her-come mentality. So if that's true that (the men who do put in some foreplay or something to bring their spouse pleasure as well), then it would mean he only does something for her in bed (oral, foreplay, whatever) for himself! It would mean
that in the end, he's not only having sex for himself, but even when he's doing something to pleasure her too, he's doing that for himself as well! That's a lot of selfishness, IMO.

I was surprised to hear this & it makes me wonder do the men who do do things for their spouses in bed (oral, foreplay, whatever), are they only doing that for themselves too? So it's really not ever truly about her and her pleasure, but about him feeling some sort of ego boost or either pleasuring her out of guilt. That would be awful! To only be getting the foreplay all out of guilt. That wouldn't feel very good, to know he's not spending time on me and my orgasm for me, but all for selfish reasons.

My two questions are: Does this (these 2 "only reasons men ever do things (like foreplay) for women in bed is either out of guilt or for an ego
boost") not sound selfish as heck to you guys?

My second question is: Do ya'll think the same thing as the person who told me this? Do you guys believe men who do contribute to the female's
pleasure are only doing it for those selfish reasons or do you guys think that this is untrue and that if he takes the time to do foreplay and such,
then he is not doing it for selfish reasons, but for her pleasure?

I personally figured that the person who said this only said it because he is that way and believes all guys are. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling proud that you know how to work the right spots on your spouse to bring her pleasure/orgasm. Hey, it's not always an easy job, so it's perfectly fine to feel happy/proud that you can do it, but I do think it's selfish if that's the one and only reason you do foreplay or whatever to bring her pleasure/orgasm.

It's probably only true for some men, but I don't believe it's true for all. Still, I am cluelss, so I want to know what everyone else thinks too.

It'd be especially nice to hear from men on this. Do you guys only do it for your own selfish reasons, like the two reasons stated above? If you care to elaborate on what makes you choose whichever answers you choose, I would really like that.

Thanks you guys for your input! It's always an interesting conversation.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I do foreplay for my partner because it makes me feel good to know I can make her orgasm ( for a sort of ego boost.)
5
For me, the statement that foreplay is only about an ego boost for the male is untrue becase I (or my spouse) do foreplay strictly to make her feel pleasure too.
3
I (or my spouse) do foreplay strictly for her pleasure, but I do still feel happy/proud that I can bring her that pleasure (nothing wrong with that.)
12
I only do foreplay because I would feel selfish and guilty if I skipped focusing on her pleasure and always going straight into the penetration.
I would feel guilty and selfish if I didn't focus on her & bringing her pleasure too, but that isn't the whole reason I do it.
Other?
I don't do foreplay for my female partner.
I believe that men who do foreplay only do it out of guilt or for an ego-boost.
I don't believe that men who do foreplay only do it out of guilt or an ego-boost. I thnk they (or some) do it because they really just care about her pleasure too.
8
I do believe it would be selfish to only do foreplay for an ego-boost or so one doesn't feel guilty for not focusing on her pleasure too.
6
I don't really care if she gets much enjoyment from the sex and foreplay.
It would not be selfish to only do foreplay out of guilt or for an ego-boost.
Total votes: 34 (19 voters)
Poll is closed
06/06/2013
  • Save Extra 50% On Sexobot Attachment
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Save 70% On Selected Items. Limited Quantity
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: MrWill MrWill
I can't even answer. I do "foreplay" (which I find to be a stupid term in general) because I LOVE doing it. Sometimes foreplay is just so much better than the sex that follows anyway!
06/06/2013
Contributor: married with children married with children
I just love making my wife feel good.
06/07/2013
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
I was told today, that for a guy, pleasing his partner goes like this: if he cares to make sure she's being pleased too (basically meaning if he does foreplay and such) it's never because he truly, truly wants her to orgasm or enjoy it too, ... more
I'm astounded! Women often say they are victimized by sexist stereo types - isn't this simply an offensive male stereotype?
06/07/2013
Contributor: travelnurse travelnurse
Well, I am old and married, but we have foreplay for more time to "connect" to each other and prolong our pleasure.
06/07/2013
Contributor: Fluke Fluke
Sounds like Kant. Kant says if you do a good act and it makes you feel good then you did the good act in order to make yourself feel good and that is a selfish action.

Kant also says that masturbation is worse than suicide and other really weird things. He talks in gigantic absolutes and sets impossible standards. I find that his philosophies don't translate well to the real world.

I don't think any man does foreplay out of guilt. If he does it is gonna be really bad foreplay such that you will tell him to stop.

Doing foreplay out of an ego boost, sure I bet lots of guys do that, what is the problem with that again. So the women gets pleasure and the man gets a little something too - that's exactly what sex is supposed to be, both people getting pleasure.

Using his logic, adopting a pet makes you selfish, being paid for any job no matter how many people you help makes you selfish, having a baby is selfish, I get points for a post omg I'm super selfish. It's nuts. I think he doesn't like foreplay and doesn't want to admit he is the person that is selfish and weird so he paints the world in such a way so that he is normal.

As far as I know all of my friends try to get their partner off with foreplay/oral because it is fun. Personally I am a bit neurotic because I place quite a bit of my worth on making sure my partner is happy and satisfied, if I disappoint them sexually or otherwise I feel pretty sad.

Not sure if I answered any of ya questions, lol.
06/07/2013
Contributor: js250 js250
My hubby and I had quite the conversation about this tonight. He actually enjoys the foreplay because it gets both of us warmed up and feeling sexy. If I was not having any fun--he would not want to have any sexual activity. It is only good for him if both of us are enjoying it and are stimulated.

Foreplay is actually a mutual activity--not just for men to perform on women...after all, they like the teasing and added build up as well. Otherwise, their own hand and porn would work like it does when they are alone...with no foreplay, there is no connection and it becomes getting the rocks off versus a deep, erotic and hot sexual tension that really can intensify the man and woman's orgasms.

Hopefully this is all coming out right, lol! Sometimes it is hard to take about 6 hours of conversation and condense it down to an answer.
06/07/2013
Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by MrWill
I can't even answer. I do "foreplay" (which I find to be a stupid term in general) because I LOVE doing it. Sometimes foreplay is just so much better than the sex that follows anyway!
Ditto. I love it too and it make me horny as well, giving her pleasure and tasting her...etc. I consider myself a very giving lover.

As a side-effect, it might give you an ego boost to really make someone cum and please them, but that's never the motivation.
06/07/2013
Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by Fluke
Sounds like Kant. Kant says if you do a good act and it makes you feel good then you did the good act in order to make yourself feel good and that is a selfish action.

Kant also says that masturbation is worse than suicide and other really ... more
Kant...interesting...t hat takes me back to college days. Nice post. St. Augustine was a real masochist too from what I remember.
06/07/2013
Contributor: CE CE
It sounds like someone (whoever believes this theory) wants to find another reason to bash men. We already know that men who ignore their partners pleasure are selfish. Now you want those that please there partners to be the bad guy too? "You selfish bastard, how dare you bring me to 5 mind-blowing orgasms!"

Does the motive really matter? If you feed the homeless and you see their smile as you hand them some food and they thank you, it makes you feel good about yourself. Is that being selfish? If you make a nice dinner that you know he loves, doesnt it make you feel good knowing that you did something for him, and he'll smile, say thank you and really enjoy it? Is that selfish of you since you like the praise and compliments?

I LOVE making my girl come. She is SO sexy and hearing and seeing her get excited such an amazing thrill for me. She also brings me such incredible pleasure and I want to give her the same. I want to be the best lover she's ever had, to make her feel pleasure like she never has before. Does it give me an ego boost - heck yeah! It makes me feel good and is such a turn on when she's being stimulated and reaches orgasm. And I love knowing that I'm the one doing it!

But arent women exactly the same? Don't you enjoy seeing your man pleased and knowing that you are doing it? Don't you like being told that you give the best BJ or whatever? Isn't it a great ego boost and even a power trip when you are making him feel so good with your 'talents'? Does this make women selfish too? If so, then my girl and I are very VERY selfish lovers and we're having the greatest time!
06/07/2013
Contributor: TiffanyW TiffanyW
my hubby just likes to make me squirm
06/09/2013
Contributor: chicmichiw chicmichiw
I don't think it's such a bad double standard - lots of ladies have trouble orgasming and need AND deserve the help. But there are also lots of guys who either care about the girl herself or care on principle that their partner should receive pleasure as well. For me, as a woman thought, I like to give oral/foreplay because it eases me into the mood too (is that selfish?) but also because I know it feels good for my partner.
06/09/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by MrWill
I can't even answer. I do "foreplay" (which I find to be a stupid term in general) because I LOVE doing it. Sometimes foreplay is just so much better than the sex that follows anyway!
That's good to know. Mind if I ask, though, why you find the word "stupid?"
06/14/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I'm astounded! Women often say they are victimized by sexist stereo types - isn't this simply an offensive male stereotype?
Completely! However, I hear things like this really often. Most people don't EVEN REALIZE it's sexist when they say things like this. I was so shocked to even hear it, especially coming from a male. I figured, as I said, that it was likely just HIM thinking this way & assuming all men do. I know for sure not all men do, but just hearing it made me really interested to hear from everyone here. I knew you guys would elaborate, which I really appreciate. I wondered if others here would have a similar reaction as I did to the statement. Glad to know I am not alone in my thinking too.
06/14/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Fluke
Sounds like Kant. Kant says if you do a good act and it makes you feel good then you did the good act in order to make yourself feel good and that is a selfish action.

Kant also says that masturbation is worse than suicide and other really ... more
Not sure I've ever heard of "Kant" Wow. Masturbation worse than suicide?! That came as a shock. Whoever Kant is, in my heart, I can't help but believe that it really is selfish to do something for someone only because you secretly want something in return. I think the reasoning is wrong in those cases. I think good deeds (or favors, sexual or not) should be done only if one wants to do them. Not to mention, doing things only in hopes of getting something in return will likely leave the person with resentment towards the other person, if that person doesn't know that they are required to give back. I think, if you're doing it just to get something back (sexual or not), then you should make sure the person knows that beforehand.

I agree -- I too think if someone did foreplay out of guilt alone, it'd likely be very lacking and you can tell when no passion is there. That's a good point. I hadn't even thought of that until you mentioned it. You can really tell if someone is doing sexual things with you because they're into it too or because they felt obligated or something. Foreplay takes effort, so it would likely be pretty obvious if the person wasn't into it, and only doing it for the wrong reasons.

Hey, now you may not have noticed since I was really lengthy in my post, but I specifically said there was not anything wrong with it if the male did happen to feel good about himself for being able to bring his partner to orgasm. In fact, if you look back, I said "it's not an easy task..." I WANT my partner to feel good about what he can do for me. What this entire thing was about was seeing where everyone stands as far as "is it just for an ego boost and not at all about her pleasure?" If this makes sense? I know I'm a little unorganized in my words right now due to being super tired and distracted a little, but I hope I am making some sense here.


Yes, it's about both getting pleasure, but my way of thinking is that doesn't mean that other motives behind giving pleasure aren't possible. Sex is supposed to be about both people getting pleasure, but it's also about caring about giving to each other and more. Both people can get pleasure while selfish reasons are involved too. Just like both people can get pleasure with totally selfless reasons behind doing whatever they do.

My partner and I, too, do it because we both find it fun. I can understand placing a lot of worth in making sure your partner is so satisfied, as well as feeling down if you didn't. I think all of us are that way to some extent. To me, that says you care a lot about your partner's pleasure & feel down because you care. I mean, if we didn't care about their pleasure, we wouldn't feel anything if they didn't get off or enjoy themselves during. I know if my partner didn't enjoy it or get off, I'd feel really down. Same for him. He strives to please me & afterward, we always ask each other if we enjoyed it. We both make a goal to bring each other to orgasm & most of the time, we don't stop until we both have.

Like I said, it is something to feel good about yourself over, when you've achieved something like giving your partner an orgasm. I make sure my partner knows how awesome he is for his "capabilities" because I want him to feel good about it. But, now, if he were like the guy who said that stuff (about only doing it for an ego boost, guilt or something in return) I don't think I'd feel as... good about him doing the deed for me. I guess there's something special about someone who cares that much about pleasing you.


Thanks for including your thoughts. I'm really happy you went into detail about this. Interesting points & I can relate (and probably most people can) to what you said about caring about your partner's satisfaction and feeling down if you don't make it happen.
06/14/2013
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
My hubby and I had quite the conversation about this tonight. He actually enjoys the foreplay because it gets both of us warmed up and feeling sexy. If I was not having any fun--he would not want to have any sexual activity. It is only good for him ... more
Oh neat! I think we are really similar to each other -- my partner and I and you and your hubby. It seems like you and I have similar thinking a lot of times. I notice a lot of things you post about are things I've either questioned myself or have recently discussed. That's neat to me. Great minds think alike!

Anyways, that sounds like us. He wouldn't want sex if I wasn't having fun. And same for me, if he isn't having an awesome time, I'm going to want to pause and figure out how to make him, although I have to admit, that's never happened so I consider myself lucky there. Lol. He's much quicker than me to be pleased. I just wish it didn't take so much effort for me, but what can we do? We were simply built differently. Thankfully, in his eyes, it's all part of the fun.

I like what you said there -- Foreplay is a mutual activity and the teasing and build up is part of the fun for the male too. Really great way to explain that. I think so too. I've had partners that literally didn't give two damns if I was in pain or totally not wanting to be there, and then I've had my current partner who, my pleasure matters to him just as much as anything.

Trysexual Sorry for not responding separately to you, and the rest. I just realized I was making this thread really long by doing that, but my response to each of you is all equally special. I appreciate you sharing your feelings. That's nice to hear! I think that's a healthy way about it -- doing it because you truly enjoy giving to them and still feeling pretty nice about being able to give them an orgasm. The fact that the feelings you get from it alone is not the motivation is a good thing, IMO. It's a great thing to be able to do that for the person you love & I can't say it enough -- it is something that one deserves to feel good about and feel happy with themselves over. It's amazing to have a partner who loves doing it with you, though. It makes it so much more fun, doesn't it?

CE As I said in my post, it was a man who said it. Perhaps he wanted to just make all men look badly, though. To answer your question "does the motive really matter?" Yes, to me it does. I say this because I have been on both sides -- the side where my male partner didn't give two lovely damns about whether or not I was pleased and my current partner who cares loads about it. Also, another difference was the passion and love. That other partner didn't care anymore about me than he did my pleasure. Didn't love me. No passion. I was just a hole. So I DID feel a difference. I only got a very bad job of "foreplay" which was nothing more than rough crotch-rubbing and did that feel very good to me? No. It didn't feel good to be told that the only reason he was even bothering with that alone was to get some head either. Now, compare that to my current partner who loves me & who has a lot of passion when we're in the sack. He cares about my pleausre, bottom line. It's about the two of us, never just one of us. So the motives do matter because crappy motives = crappy sex. I don't want to get an orgasm only to later be required to do something I've never been comfortable doing. So it does matter. It matters when the sex can be amazing or it can be lukewarm. That's just me though.

Homeless people... dinner... ? I was talking about foreplay... totally different things!

Again, as I've said. I never said that it was wrong to feel good about doing it when you actually enjoy and want to make your partner orgasm! I said I personally thought what the guy told me he and "all men" did was selfish. If you didn't "LOVE making your girl cum" it would be a different story, I think. It should make you feel happy with yourself to be able to create something in your partner that feels amazing to her. There's a difference though, if you didn't like it or care about her actually getting pleasure, but only cared about bragging rights or only did it out of obligation or whatever. I think you may have thought that I said it was wrong to feel good when you do give your partner an orgasm and feel happy with yourself. I said "nothing wrong with feeling happy/pleased with yourseelf for doing it," but that there are apparently more reasons people do it -- out of guilt, just to get something in return or just so you feel good about yourself. Big differences.

Well, thank you guys all so much for your comments! I've really enjoyed this discussion and reading what you all think. It definitely confirmed what I thought when I was told those things. It's also really amazing to hear that so many people love to please each other. That's awesome. And as I said once a while ago, ain't it so much more fun when both are involved in the giving and getting? It's fun to enjoy pleasing your partner & having fun with each other without those extra feelings of "I'm only doing it so they'll do something for me" or "yay, I'll get to brag about this later" or "Well, I guess I have to since they did something for me."
06/14/2013