The New Intimacy

Found out your partner was infected with genital herpes.

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Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
I recently got back in touch with an old friend. And we were talking and she was telling me about past relationships and how her last one just ended.

She was dating a guy and they were sexually active (protected so she says)during the relationship she was contacted by one of his ex-girlfriends telling her that he gave her herpes. She ended up confronting him about it and he didn’t deny it.

Now this is where I had a problem with it…

Even after knowing about him having herpes, she still kept sleeping with him. It was protected sex (so she says), but for some reason I can’t seem to be okay with that. First he didn’t even tell her himself, she found out from someone else.

When I asked her why she continued to sleep with him, she said she didn’t want to be judgmental and she wanted to give him a chance. My thing is he didn’t even tell you he had this himself, so he risked infected you!

They ended up breaking up because he cheated on her, and now she’s going to get tested and she’s talking as if she would be pissed if he gave it to her, but she took the chance when she knowingly slept with him.

What do you think about the situation?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I've been with a partner infected with herpes
7
I've never been with someone infected with herpes
50
It's okay she kept sleeping with him
8
She sould have stopped sleeping with him
37
I could still be with someone knowing they were infected herpes
22
I couldn't be with someone knowing they were infected with herpes
22
She has no right to be pissed if she's infected becasue she took the risk.
33
She does have the right to be pissed event hough she took the chance.
15
Other
3
Total votes: 197 (62 voters)
Poll is closed
07/07/2012
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Contributor: Peggi Peggi
I've never been with someone who (at the time) had any form of STD, however, if my partner had herpes and was honest with me and open, yes I would still have sex with them, but we would take the precautions. Of course, I'd have to really love them to take that risk, and I've ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS made sure my partner was tested and I would have myself tested just to show them, because I've always been terrified of contracting something. My hubby was the first person who I didn't ask to be tested, but he told me that he was clean and I do get tested regularly due to my (really unnecessary) phobia due to working in health care (no really, it's even hard to contract it if you work around needles if you're careful, but I am genuinely phobic of accidental STD contraction).

Anyway, now if I heard from my partners ex that they had something and hadn't told me, I would totally flip out.
07/07/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
I've never been with someone who (at the time) had any form of STD, however, if my partner had herpes and was honest with me and open, yes I would still have sex with them, but we would take the precautions. Of course, I'd have to really ... more
I have never been with anyone with a STD either. I don't think your phobia is unnecessary! Your working around body fluids all day, if I was in your shoes, I'd always get tested too just for the peace of mind that comes with it.

When she told me that she found out from an ex, I thought the other female was lying. Some females are just that way. But he never denied it, he just gave her a look and said, "If we use a condom the odds of you getting it are low". That to me is an admission.
07/07/2012
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
As herpes is intermittent and people have outbreaks less and less commonly as time goes on, it isn't something that people who have herpes think about a lot.

By some estimates 97% of people have antibodies to the genital herpes virus (which is medically the same as the cold sore virus) by the age of 50.

If he knew he should have said something, but it isn't HIV or even syphilis or chlamydia, even those these two are mostly curable, the side effects of the other STDs are much more serious. Nobody becomes infertile form herpes, nobody has long term sequlea from herpes, nobody dies from herpes. (With the exception of people with no immune system, but these people could die from virtually any bacteria, virus or fungal infection.)

It really isn't a big deal. As MOST of the population has the herpes virus and "Type I" and Type II" are now medically no longer separated and considered the same condition, the chances of anyone NOT having had sex with someone who happens to have the herpes virus in their nerve cells is highly improbable.
07/07/2012
Contributor: Yaoi Pervette (deleted) Yaoi Pervette (deleted)
The fact he was not upfront about it is more worrisome than the disease itself.
07/07/2012
Contributor: Bex1331 Bex1331
The issue is that he didn't say anything not that he has herpes, lying like that is not okay, he was putting her at a risk she didn't know she was taking and there is no cure for herpes. On top of that, she can't be totally protected herpes because sores can appear on the scrotum and infect his partner because that won't be covered by a condom.
07/07/2012
Contributor: Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Anonymous
I recently got back in touch with an old friend. And we were talking and she was telling me about past relationships and how her last one just ended.

She was dating a guy and they were sexually active (protected so she says)during the ... more
I agree with you! Why would a person continue to sleep with a dishonest partner, and risk getting an STD that DOESN'T go away. If he failed to tell her about his herpes, what else has he forgotten to mention??
07/07/2012
Contributor: Badass Badass
I don't think that girl has the right to be angry either. If she knew she had it and continued sleeping with him, she practically wanted to get it.
07/07/2012
Contributor: HannahPanda HannahPanda
I think if she didn't care, it's up to her. Weird situation.
07/07/2012
Contributor: Ashley B Ashley B
She took the risk by continuing to sleep with him.. Kind of has no one to blame but herself.
07/07/2012
Contributor: Undecided Undecided
I would be pissed if he lied and didn't tell me an I got it but if she found out and STILL did this she has no one to blame but herself
07/08/2012
Contributor: SecretKinksters SecretKinksters
Quote:
Originally posted by Ashley B
She took the risk by continuing to sleep with him.. Kind of has no one to blame but herself.
Agreed. And since they broke up because he was cheating, she should consider herself lucky that herpes is the only thing she could have got from him...
07/08/2012
Contributor: dirtythoughts:) dirtythoughts:)
He definitely should have been honest up front with her. I know of a couple who have been together for a few years, one has herpes and the other still doesn't. They were honest with each other right away, took it slow, try to be as safe as possible and are completely in love.
07/08/2012
Contributor: KRD KRD
I agree. He should have told her before he slept with her. Then it was on her whether to continue the relationship. Obviously it didn't scare her away after she did find out. Scary stuff.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
I've never been with someone that had it and I don't want to be. If I was betrayed like that I would leave. I believe that if a person has an STD then they need to let someone know that they plan on sleeping with.
07/08/2012
Contributor: carenautilus carenautilus
It's her body, and you really have no right to pass judgement. Since she didn't harm or in any way affect you bodily integrity, leave her be. What anyone needs in time of trial from their friends is kindness and support. Not judgement.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Yaoi Pervette (deleted)
The fact he was not upfront about it is more worrisome than the disease itself.
Agreed!
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
The issue is that he didn't say anything not that he has herpes, lying like that is not okay, he was putting her at a risk she didn't know she was taking and there is no cure for herpes. On top of that, she can't be totally protected ... more
That is where my problem started. That he didn't tell her up font. I asked her if she was using condoms, even after she found out. She told me yes, but she didn't sound truthful.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Noelle
I agree with you! Why would a person continue to sleep with a dishonest partner, and risk getting an STD that DOESN'T go away. If he failed to tell her about his herpes, what else has he forgotten to mention??
That's what I said. I told her to get tested for EVERYTHING but she's thinking I'm being a little too extreme. For someone who could be putting her lift a risk, she sure is taking it lightly. She doesn't seem as worried as I am about it. For all we know herpes could be the least of her worries.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Mrs.Intensity Mrs.Intensity
There is nothing too extreme about getting tested for everything! I agree with you Miss Nessa... better safe than sorry. And yes, herpes could be the least of her worries. All the STDs scare me and I would never want to take a chance.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Badass
I don't think that girl has the right to be angry either. If she knew she had it and continued sleeping with him, she practically wanted to get it.
Badass, That is what I told her. I told her that if she has gotten it, she CAN'T be mad at anyone but herself, because she knowingly continued to sleep with him. She keeps bitching how she's gonna "kill him" or "cut his balls off" if she has it. I ended up telling her to shut up because if she has ANYTHING she did it to herself, and therefore can't put all the blame on him.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by HannahPanda
I think if she didn't care, it's up to her. Weird situation.
Very weird situation, I agree.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Ashley B
She took the risk by continuing to sleep with him.. Kind of has no one to blame but herself.
Thank you, that's how I feel about it too.
Its like me sticking my finger in a wild dogs mouth, and getting mad at him for biting me. I knew it could happen but yet, I continued to do it. I can't blame the dog.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by SecretKinksters
Agreed. And since they broke up because he was cheating, she should consider herself lucky that herpes is the only thing she could have got from him...
Agreed. Obviously he doesn't care about himself, why would he care about someone else?
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by KRD
I agree. He should have told her before he slept with her. Then it was on her whether to continue the relationship. Obviously it didn't scare her away after she did find out. Scary stuff.
That is what I told her. I told her that if he even cared one bit, he wouldn't have slept with you that first time without telling you... I asked her what IF that women didn't tell you? How long would have your relationship gone on before he said something, or was he just gonna wait for her to have a outbreak and be like "Oh yeah, I forgot, I have herpes?" Like really?
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by Zombirella
I've never been with someone that had it and I don't want to be. If I was betrayed like that I would leave. I believe that if a person has an STD then they need to let someone know that they plan on sleeping with.
I can't express how much I agree with you!
07/08/2012
Contributor: MissCandyland MissCandyland
I don't see how she can get mad if she contracted it. That is like putting your hand on an burner that has been on and getting mad you got burned.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by carenautilus
It's her body, and you really have no right to pass judgement. Since she didn't harm or in any way affect you bodily integrity, leave her be. What anyone needs in time of trial from their friends is kindness and support. Not judgement.
My problem is also her attitude to it, because it isn't HIV or something serious like that it's not as serious? She acts as if he just passed her the flu. She knows how I feel about the situation.

I'm not gonna shut my mouth for her and she knows it. I would have been a MILLION times more supportive to her if she caught and and had NO IDEA, but the fact that she knew and continued is what kills me.

This isn't a situation of trial. Its not like she even loved the guy, when I asked her about it she just said "nope". I could understand risking it for the one you LOVE.

I don't support stupidity.
07/08/2012
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Quote:
Originally posted by MissCandyland
I don't see how she can get mad if she contracted it. That is like putting your hand on an burner that has been on and getting mad you got burned.
ha! Thank you!
07/08/2012
Contributor: Collogue Collogue
she has the right to feel what she feels, but she did knowingly take the risk.

I wouldn't have a problem with dating someone with STDs and/or STIs, but I would want them to be open with me about it.
07/08/2012