I know I am normally not this serious on this space. But in talking with a good friend through text, they felt I needed to talk about this. I can write pretty stories and erotic fantasies all day long. If you have noticed, as a rule, I am not a part of them. I made an exception when it came to the chapter story called 'The visit', that enlisted a meet-up with many of my adult blogging friends. As sexy and exciting as it was for me to write that it was even more uncomfortable for me to do so. Were it to ever occur I certainly would not feel as sexy or attractive in real life as I felt in that piece. Odds are I would stand off to the side and make attempts to make people laugh. That is my go to routine. If I can make you laugh I cut the tension in the room, for me at least.
Having anxiety issues affects nearly every aspect of my life and the bedroom is no different. Orgasm is a hard fought battle and something I have learned has to be achieved with certain conditions in place. Conditions which are nearly impossible to bring about every time. Please don't misunderstand. I love sex. I can get off, several times. But the big O itself is like my unicorn of life. Reaching it once in a session is a miracle. There has been once when I was able to have 3 in a session but they were back to back literally and it had been a while since my last one... think MONTHS.
Everyone has a fight or flight response, it is an ingrained behavior. Mine just happens to be set to overkill. Things that most people would not think twice about will stew in my brain for days and weeks. Things I know are logically ridiculous, but there is no off switch. Combine that with a sex session and you have Atlas holding the world on his shoulders. For me orgasm occurs when I can turn that switch off. When I can calm the subtle vibrations of panic that lay just under the surface for me 24/7. Have you ever felt like you were shaking, but it wasn't an outward sign, just like only your insides were trembling? I have that feeling pretty much daily. Don't ask why because at the moment I couldn't tell you exactly why I have that feeling. It is a constant sense of foreboding, like one would get if they thought about doing something but it doesn't feel right in their gut. Most people have it and think twice about the choice. But what if it is a constant feeling, that you are always on edge. Welcome to my life.
So for me reaching orgasm can be a frustrating prospect, for me and my partner. Trying to explain to someone it really is not them, it's me is not that easy. Men tend to base their prowess on their ability to leave us breathless and panting, the odds of that happening with me are slim. Although I can say that I can go for hours, with peaks that I call mini releases. I will cum, the walls will tighten and spasm, but true Orgasm is not achieved. Trust me in my case that may be a desirable thing, for many men and a few toys. When I hit that peak I lock down, tight. You are not going anywhere, period. My back arches, my arms and legs are like jelly and breathing is almost impossible. Tears will roll down my face and I will shake uncontrollably for a long time afterwards. My husband describes it as the vice grip effect. Being as I trained my pelvic muscles following my first child lets just say I can bounce myself with them now. If you can get me there consider yourself lucky, because in honesty it had more to do with MY mental state than your prowess.
If it is any consolation, when I am led to handle things myself I can't even get myself to orgasm. I have gotten to the point that I don't sweat it. I know that after orgasm the odds of me being willing to go another round is highly unlikely. Once that peak is achieved every nerve in my body begins a rapid fire that makes even physical contact painful and not in a good way. A breath on my skin can make me crawl away, it ceases to be arousing for me and more like torture. So something that feels so good at the onset can lead to a full blown panic attack in the end. Which SUCKS.
So, I have decided that if I can orgasm great, but I enjoy it just as much not having any. The release of tension for me is achieved just as well through several peaks during sex that release enough cum to keep me going for hours. I guess in a way it plays into my favor in that sense. So now ya know.. and I can't be alone. Or I hope that I am not anyway, I already feel weird enough..
Having anxiety issues affects nearly every aspect of my life and the bedroom is no different. Orgasm is a hard fought battle and something I have learned has to be achieved with certain conditions in place. Conditions which are nearly impossible to bring about every time. Please don't misunderstand. I love sex. I can get off, several times. But the big O itself is like my unicorn of life. Reaching it once in a session is a miracle. There has been once when I was able to have 3 in a session but they were back to back literally and it had been a while since my last one... think MONTHS.
Everyone has a fight or flight response, it is an ingrained behavior. Mine just happens to be set to overkill. Things that most people would not think twice about will stew in my brain for days and weeks. Things I know are logically ridiculous, but there is no off switch. Combine that with a sex session and you have Atlas holding the world on his shoulders. For me orgasm occurs when I can turn that switch off. When I can calm the subtle vibrations of panic that lay just under the surface for me 24/7. Have you ever felt like you were shaking, but it wasn't an outward sign, just like only your insides were trembling? I have that feeling pretty much daily. Don't ask why because at the moment I couldn't tell you exactly why I have that feeling. It is a constant sense of foreboding, like one would get if they thought about doing something but it doesn't feel right in their gut. Most people have it and think twice about the choice. But what if it is a constant feeling, that you are always on edge. Welcome to my life.
So for me reaching orgasm can be a frustrating prospect, for me and my partner. Trying to explain to someone it really is not them, it's me is not that easy. Men tend to base their prowess on their ability to leave us breathless and panting, the odds of that happening with me are slim. Although I can say that I can go for hours, with peaks that I call mini releases. I will cum, the walls will tighten and spasm, but true Orgasm is not achieved. Trust me in my case that may be a desirable thing, for many men and a few toys. When I hit that peak I lock down, tight. You are not going anywhere, period. My back arches, my arms and legs are like jelly and breathing is almost impossible. Tears will roll down my face and I will shake uncontrollably for a long time afterwards. My husband describes it as the vice grip effect. Being as I trained my pelvic muscles following my first child lets just say I can bounce myself with them now. If you can get me there consider yourself lucky, because in honesty it had more to do with MY mental state than your prowess.
If it is any consolation, when I am led to handle things myself I can't even get myself to orgasm. I have gotten to the point that I don't sweat it. I know that after orgasm the odds of me being willing to go another round is highly unlikely. Once that peak is achieved every nerve in my body begins a rapid fire that makes even physical contact painful and not in a good way. A breath on my skin can make me crawl away, it ceases to be arousing for me and more like torture. So something that feels so good at the onset can lead to a full blown panic attack in the end. Which SUCKS.
So, I have decided that if I can orgasm great, but I enjoy it just as much not having any. The release of tension for me is achieved just as well through several peaks during sex that release enough cum to keep me going for hours. I guess in a way it plays into my favor in that sense. So now ya know.. and I can't be alone. Or I hope that I am not anyway, I already feel weird enough..
