Does Porn Affect Self-Confidence?

For me, getting upset at my boyfriend watching porn without me is a natural everyday occurrence. I tend to not masturbate or watch porn or do much outside of researching sexuality, unless he's right there, joining in. In some ways, I think I think that if you commit to a long-term relationship, you're committing to sharing your sexuality with that person - especially if you've chosen monogamy as your only option.

I also don't think I'd mind as much if he watched it without me if he could just be honest about it. "Hey, by the way I watched some porn today. There's this one video that I really want to show you!", would be a lot cooler than finding out he watched porn without me by browsing through my web history when I'm looking for one of my old links... I stopped being the snooping type of girlfriend a long time ago, but if you're doing stuff on the computer, you better be damn sure I'm going to find out about. I'm a computer whiz!

I love watching porn together. I love that it gives us a venue to really discuss what we love and what we hate, what we want to try and what completely turns us off. But I get incredibly upset when he watches it without me. I don't think it's that unnatural to get upset like that. I would argue that it is biological and evolutionary. Competition of any kind, whether it's a real threat or not, is still a threat. Especially in the society that we live in.

I also think a lot of guys tend to handle the porn thing the wrong way, often making it worse in terms of our self-esteems, not better. I remember when I was going through my whole thing freaking out about it, The Boyfriend just kind of passed it off as me being somewhat "irrational". Wrong! How about some compassion, how about asking why it bothers me, how about telling me something stupidly sweet that will make me feel just a little bit better about myself!

I've just put out the rule that I don't want to find out he's watching porn without me. And it's been over a year since I was even able to "catch" him. It doesn't show up in my web history and a big part of me believes that it doesn't because he doesn't watch it, but I guess I'll never know that for sure and as long as I don't know, I don't care. less

She "let him" watch porn? How would she "not" let him? He's a grown man, I assume.

No, porn doesn't effect my self esteem in the least. My husband and I watch it together from time to time and we both know it's unreal and fantasy. Not reality. I feel no more jealousy towards female porn stars than I do against fashion models who are size 0. They aren't a representation of the average population. Nor does My Man feel jealousy towards the men in porn who are younger than he is, have all their hair, actually have bigger cocks and are cut like granite! He knows it's all fantasy.

We watch it together, he sometimes watches it alone, sometimes I also watch it alone. I am not a jealous person, nor do I let the way "unreal" people like fashion models, porn stars etc enter into my thoughts or get into my head. They are contrived, nobody looks like that all the time, and My Man thinks I look pretty good, so what's the issue? As for checking his History; no way. It isn't my business. I would be VERY angry if he checked mine, as we trust each other. Also, I don't tell him what he's "allowed" to do or not to do. He's a grown man for heaven's sake!

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your friend should take this quote to heart.

Finding porn they watch together may help (but something he likes, too. Most men, and many women can't stand soft core "romantic porn." Choose something with a little nasty in it!) and her working on worrying less about what she assumes he's "thinking" and more on how he's treating her; if he's treating her well, what difference does it make if he watches porn? If he's treating her badly, does it matter that he doesn't watch porn? His behavior should be what she cares about, not what DVDs or website he watches. less

She "let him" watch porn? How would she "not" let him? He's a grown man, I assume.

No, porn doesn't effect my self esteem in the least. My husband and I watch it together from time to time and we both know it's unreal and fantasy. Not reality. I feel no more jealousy towards female porn stars than I do against fashion models who are size 0. They aren't a representation of the average population. Nor does My Man feel jealousy towards the men in porn who are younger than he is, have all their hair, actually have bigger cocks and are cut like granite! He knows it's all fantasy.

We watch it together, he sometimes watches it alone, sometimes I also watch it alone. I am not a jealous person, nor do I let the way "unreal" people like fashion models, porn stars etc enter into my thoughts or get into my head. They are contrived, nobody looks like that all the time, and My Man thinks I look pretty good, so what's the issue? As for checking his History; no way. It isn't my business. I would be VERY angry if he checked mine, as we trust each other. Also, I don't tell him what he's "allowed" to do or not to do. He's a grown man for heaven's sake!

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your friend should take this quote to heart.

Finding porn they watch together may help (but something he likes, too. Most men, and many women can't stand soft core "romantic porn." Choose something with a little nasty in it!) and her working on worrying less about what she assumes he's "thinking" and more on how he's treating her; if he's treating her well, what difference does it make if he watches porn? If he's treating her badly, does it matter that he doesn't watch porn? His behavior should be what she cares about, not what DVDs or website he watches. less

Not at all. Much porn is very artificial anyway. While I still enjoy the artificial, contrived stuff, I don't equate it with ACTUAL sex. I don't hold myself or my partners to any ideals expressed in porn, as I find a lot of them to be unpleasant when applied to real life. In a lot of ways, I actively don't want to look like a porn actress. I may not be entirely happy with everything about my body, but I like myself how I am.
I wouldn't expect my partner to want me to look or act like porn actresses, either, and I wouldn't want him to act like the guys in porn! It's all fantasy and fiction, for recreational purposes less

She "let him" watch porn? How would she "not" let him? He's a grown man, I assume.

No, porn doesn't effect my self esteem in the least. My husband and I watch it together from time to time and we both know it's unreal and fantasy. Not reality. I feel no more jealousy towards female porn stars than I do against fashion models who are size 0. They aren't a representation of the average population. Nor does My Man feel jealousy towards the men in porn who are younger than he is, have all their hair, actually have bigger cocks and are cut like granite! He knows it's all fantasy.

We watch it together, he sometimes watches it alone, sometimes I also watch it alone. I am not a jealous person, nor do I let the way "unreal" people like fashion models, porn stars etc enter into my thoughts or get into my head. They are contrived, nobody looks like that all the time, and My Man thinks I look pretty good, so what's the issue? As for checking his History; no way. It isn't my business. I would be VERY angry if he checked mine, as we trust each other. Also, I don't tell him what he's "allowed" to do or not to do. He's a grown man for heaven's sake!

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Your friend should take this quote to heart.

Finding porn they watch together may help (but something he likes, too. Most men, and many women can't stand soft core "romantic porn." Choose something with a little nasty in it!) and her working on worrying less about what she assumes he's "thinking" and more on how he's treating her; if he's treating her well, what difference does it make if he watches porn? If he's treating her badly, does it matter that he doesn't watch porn? His behavior should be what she cares about, not what DVDs or website he watches. less

For me, getting upset at my boyfriend watching porn without me is a natural everyday occurrence. I tend to not masturbate or watch porn or do much outside of researching sexuality, unless he's right there, joining in. In some ways, I think I think that if you commit to a long-term relationship, you're committing to sharing your sexuality with that person - especially if you've chosen monogamy as your only option.

I also don't think I'd mind as much if he watched it without me if he could just be honest about it. "Hey, by the way I watched some porn today. There's this one video that I really want to show you!", would be a lot cooler than finding out he watched porn without me by browsing through my web history when I'm looking for one of my old links... I stopped being the snooping type of girlfriend a long time ago, but if you're doing stuff on the computer, you better be damn sure I'm going to find out about. I'm a computer whiz!

I love watching porn together. I love that it gives us a venue to really discuss what we love and what we hate, what we want to try and what completely turns us off. But I get incredibly upset when he watches it without me. I don't think it's that unnatural to get upset like that. I would argue that it is biological and evolutionary. Competition of any kind, whether it's a real threat or not, is still a threat. Especially in the society that we live in.

I also think a lot of guys tend to handle the porn thing the wrong way, often making it worse in terms of our self-esteems, not better. I remember when I was going through my whole thing freaking out about it, The Boyfriend just kind of passed it off as me being somewhat "irrational". Wrong! How about some compassion, how about asking why it bothers me, how about telling me something stupidly sweet that will make me feel just a little bit better about myself!

I've just put out the rule that I don't want to find out he's watching porn without me. And it's been over a year since I was even able to "catch" him. It doesn't show up in my web history and a big part of me believes that it doesn't because he doesn't watch it, but I guess I'll never know that for sure and as long as I don't know, I don't care. less

The only time I say that porn can be a problem in a relationship is when watching porn and masturbating become PREFERRED to sex with your partner. But then, it's really the relationship that needs to be looked at, not the porn's influence.

If he's made her feel that way, then she needs to discuss with him if he's attracted to her any longer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds as if these are her feelings. It's funny because I literally JUST mentioned this in a blog post I published about 30 minutes ago. Timing, eh?

Granted, I was talking about vaginas in general, but it pretty much applies here. I said, "Don't look to pornography to tell you what your vagina (or your lover's vagina) should look like, please. This is akin to looking at fashion magazines to tell you what you should look like. It's unrealistic and detrimental to your psyche."

Frankly, I don't believe that choosing monogamy means that every ounce of your sexuality needs to be wrapped up in your partner. It just means that all my partner experiences are with Mr. I firmly believe that everyone, but especially women, should spend time with their bodies solo. I think masturbation is an important part of your individual sexuality; and I also think that without individual sexuality, you're doing a disservice to yourself and to your partner. Not to mention, that when women orgasm, blood flow increases in the genitals... it also increases sexual appetite, meaning you'll be more aroused and ready for partner sex if you masturbate.

I think that you should advise your friend to look within herself to answer the question, "Why is this bothering me so much?" If she feels that she's not as sexy as these actresses, then she has two choices: accept her body the way it is and try to feel sexy in it, or change what she feels is not attractive. It's great when your partner thinks your sexy, but your partner is not responsible for how sexy you feel. That's an individual's responsibility.

For me, if I'm not feeling particularly sexy, Mr can compliment and come on to me all day and night and it won't make me feel any sexier. I have to feel it within myself to be able to respond to his advances. It sounds like her husband is still trying to have sex with her and she's declining. Self-reflection is needed. less

Awesome insight! Here's a follow up question...My friend is a beautiful woman and on the outside appears super confident, but I know she feels a lot of expectation from those around her to "always look her best." Do you think expectation from those in her world affect the way she sees herself sexually? less

Absolutely. But, to a degree, it's self-imposed. People can tell you what you're supposed to look like and it's up to you to decide if you internalize it or not. She should always look her best if it makes HER feel good, not because others expect it of her.

Ask her to consider what it would be like if ignored everyone's expectations. What would it be like, how would it feel, to make her own "rules" to live by? How free she would feel if she said to herself (or to those in her world depending on how vocal they are to her), "These opinions will no longer dictate who I am or how I feel about myself!"

It won't be overnight either. If she decides that she will take responsibility for her view of herself and then makes the decision to change it, it will take a lot of work. less

Awesome insight! Here's a follow up question...My friend is a beautiful woman and on the outside appears super confident, but I know she feels a lot of expectation from those around her to "always look her best." Do you think expectation from those in her world affect the way she sees herself sexually? less

Peaches, I don't know this woman. But, some women want perfection from themselves and their partners. If she is "never satisfied" that she looks good enough, of course she is going to be "threatened" by models, porn stars, old girlfriends of his, even women in public!

This may be beyond a friend's ability to solve, but you can let her know that she IS "good enough" and that most men do not look to porn as the "average woman" and what she should do and look like.

All you can do is let her know she is "good enough" because you don't know what goes on between them. IF he is treating her well, then it is certainly her issue that she has so much insecurity and jealousy. If he is not treating her well, then she needs to move on. But, remember, most people ask for "help" wanting to be told exactly what they want to hear, not wanting to hear things that maybe they NEED to hear. So, don't be discouraged if she continues to do these things. I am pretty sure of one thing, if he is a good guy and just a normal guy who simply watches porn sometimes and she continues to try to control him and withholds sex to "get back at him" or manipulate him, the relationship is in a lot of trouble.

All you can do is to let her know she has nothing to fear from these artificial women in porn, and hope she learns some maturity.

Good luck. But, don't let it get to you if she "doesn't listen" people rarely do when they already have their minds made up. less

I used to feel like this. I forced him to stop, much the same way you have. I made him feel guilty and ashamed for wanting to fantasize and express his own sexuality. I monitored his computer usage, I even controlled him to the point where I created passwords to the computer and set limits on his computer usage. I had created an environment where I was in control and he had no say. I was, essentially, treating him like a child.

We did that for many years. Then my sexuality evolved. I finally became a sexual being. Yes, I'd been having sex for a decade. Yes, I'd had two children. Yes, I'd had orgasms. But I, myself, was not a sexual being. Once I reclaimed my sexuality and worked through my sexual hangups, I'd seen the error of my ways. It has taken us the better part of a year to fix the damage that I had done to the relationship. We're still working through it.

I don't check my computer's history anymore, and yes, he watches porn without me. (I'm actually not a fan of much pornography, so we rarely watch it together.) But you know what? He still loves having sex with me. He's ravenous for me. Porn didn't change that. But it's more than just the porn, it's ME. He's not responsible for how I feel. I am. He doesn't need to coddle me to tell me I'm sexy and beautiful and worth it... if I need that coddling, I look to myself... you know why? Because if I don't feel it, what difference does it make if he says it?

You said, "In some ways, I think I think that if you commit to a long-term relationship, you're committing to sharing your sexuality with that person - especially if you've chosen monogamy as your only option. "

I agree, to an extent. Yes, you're committing to sharing your sexuality with them, but as I said above, your sexuality isn't dependent on your partner. Your sexuality isn't about just who your partner is, it's about YOU. About who you are as an individual. The fact that I'm with a man doesn't alter the fact that I'm attracted to women, that I fantasize about women, and that I could see myself in a relationship with a woman (if I were not in a committed marriage with a man). But if my sexuality were dependent on who I'm committed to, then I would call myself heterosexual, and I am most definitely not heterosexual. By any stretch of the imagination.

Exploring your sexuality solo--be that through fantasy, self-reflection, masturbation, porn, opening your boundaries, whatever means you deem necessary--is crucial to your relationship and, more importantly, to being true to yourself. That is the only way to be successful in a relationship is if you know yourself. Otherwise, you're lying to yourself and to your partner. less