Don’t know what to think about his sexy toy

Don’t know what to think about his sexy toy

H2O H2O
I have been with my husband for almost 7 years and we have been married for almost 6 years, in our relationship I have the high sex drive, 95% off the time I am the one initiating things, for our second anniversary he got me sex toy, we had joked about getting one, so he got me a present and got a sex toy for me, fast forward to today a was looking for an email and accidentally came across a fleshlight oral sex he had order just 2 days before and he was going out of town for work so he was getting that delivered to the hotel, Valentine’s Day came and went and he hasn’t talk to me about it, so I looked on his work bag and there it is, our anniversary is coming next weekend, I arrange for us to go on 3 day trip and rented a snowmobile because he has always talked about that and I have never being snowmobiling, every time we going to be a hotel I always joke with him that I am going to take advantage off him, I love having sex with him, I give him oral sex and anything, in 4 years we have used my toy 2 times and I used it 2 more times without him, i think I’m just hurt that he didn’t talked to me about it, I am puzzled by this and don’t know what to do, he doesn’t know I know he has this toy Sorry for the long post.
Feb 18, 1:44 pm
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Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I wouldn't panic - figure out a playful way to talk with him about it.

You could also surprise him by using it unexpectedly it during your time together - hide it close by and pull it out in the middle of a HJ or BJ - maybe go back and forth to tease him before finishing him off with the method of his choosing. Will he choose your hands - mouth or the fleshlight?

Keep things light and don't be judgmental, shy or hurt - sex should be fun. If you're going to be at this 30+ years - like my wife and I, you'll find that it's got to be fun with lost of new ideas to keep things fresh.

Best of luck!
Feb 18, 2:37 pm
GingerAnn GingerAnn
I agree with Gunsmoke about the "not panicking" part, for sure.

And I am also a firm believer of the "sex should be fun" postulate. However, I am personally not very keen on surprises in the bedroom. There is a reason your husband has been hiding the toy - probably, he thinks he's doing something wrong.

I think you should initiate an intimate talk, during which you can come out about finding the toy and reassure him that you have absolutely nothing against it - on the contrary, you'd love for him to have his personal sexy time. It's very natural for many people to separate their masturbation sessions from their sex lives with their partners, and in the majority of cases, it has absolutely nothing to do with the partner - he just might need a little time to himself to unwind and relax.

You can start a conversation like that by showing him your own toy - get one if you still don't have one - and tell him how deeply you value his trust and his affection, but don't forget to explain that you see solo time as something pretty independent from your love life. Maybe, that is the case for him, too, and he will be thrilled to find out you share your views.

You only have to make him understand that it's the hiding that you don't like, not the fact of the fleshlight per se.
Feb 19, 5:33 am
H2O H2O
Quote:
Originally posted by GingerAnn
I agree with Gunsmoke about the "not panicking" part, for sure.

And I am also a firm believer of the "sex should be fun" postulate. However, I am personally not very keen on surprises in the bedroom. There is a reason your ...
I have always been very open with him and never have make him feel like he can’t tell me things, we don’t have fights we just go to bed and talk about everything and anything in our minds, so yes I think you are right I think I am disappointed that he didn’t trust me with the fact that he wanted a toy or with anything special in the sex department, he is the quiet one so I have always encouraged him to tell me what he wants or how, I did tell him that I was going to put a note on his work bag ( something that I do often but usually put it on his lunch bag, it could be anything from I love you have a great day to happy anniversary week to the love of my life) so is not out the blue that I would do that and I told him that I saw what he had there, that I didn’t know what it was so I had to research and that now I know what it is and that I didn’t know what to think of it... so his answer was I just got something for when I go to Chicago, so I said to Chicago only? ( he only goes every 6 months ) and he said well anywhere ... that was the end of the conversation he didn’t offer anymore immediate info, so I shut down had the night to think and I intend to have another conversation with him and ask him why he didn’t tell me and why was he hiding that from me, we have sex every week unless he is not in the mood, almost always is me initiating sex, that might have to be worked in the conversation and if he wants to keep his toy we going to have to implement some rules to make sure I don’t get the shitty end of the stick... only had 1 hour of sleep and just having coffee so hope it makes sense ???????
Feb 19, 8:15 am
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by H2O
I have always been very open with him and never have make him feel like he can’t tell me things, we don’t have fights we just go to bed and talk about everything and anything in our minds, so yes I think you are right I think I am disappointed that ...
Best of luck to you - it does seem kind of sad that sex 1/week is where you find yourself.

If the wife and I don't have sex at least 3x a week we both feel out of sorts. I sure hope you can get him to up his game!
Feb 22, 8:51 pm
QueenofEverything81 QueenofEverything81
Quote:
Originally posted by H2O
I have always been very open with him and never have make him feel like he can’t tell me things, we don’t have fights we just go to bed and talk about everything and anything in our minds, so yes I think you are right I think I am disappointed that ...
I understand your feelings of hurt, and it seems like you may be feeling almost a sense of betrayal?

I agree with the other posters that not overreacting is essential. If you do it may trigger a shame response for him.

Masturbation can be completely separate from sexual intimacy with a partner. A number of people use masturbation for stress relief, sleep aid, even boredom busting., also bear in mind that men and women have very complicatedly different approaches to sex and sexuality. I would venture to guess that his purchase of a sex toy has nothing to do with your sex life as a couple, but I also agree that you need to talk to him. It is going to fester for you and that's not a healthy approach. Hope things work out well for you both.
Feb 24, 12:54 am
GingerAnn GingerAnn
You should definitely voice your concerns, but be sure to put them out in a non-hostile, welcoming manner. Don't make him think he betrayed you - that's the vibe I'm getting of the feeling you're harboring. Just let him know you're hurt because you feel excluded - that might get through to him.
Feb 26, 10:57 am
OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
Hello H2O,
Some days have gone by since your op. What's the situation now? Of course we all feel for you. Sex is a important aspect of marriage.
Is that toy currently in the house? If not, maybe it was a gift for someone else?
Or perhaps he wants to use this to build up his stamina. He may be disappointed with how long he lasts.

I hope all goes well.
Feb 26, 12:53 pm
MissMandii MissMandii
I've not been in the exact same situation before, but similar. I'm a firm believer in being open and honest in all discussions with your spouse. I'd say he likely feels, as another said, like he is doing something shameful or wrong. I know I personally dealt with lots of guilt when it came to using sex and sex toys for anything other than procreation due to my religious upbringing and I had to overcome A LOT to get to a point where talking about sex wasn't only healthy, but FUN!

I'd open the discussion by stating how much you love him, and everything about him. Do you love your sex life with him? Tell him! Be honest, and tell him you came across the toy, and you're not angry. Tell him you have toys of your own and that you see nothing wrong with it. Let him know how you feel about utilizing toys in the bedroom and if you would like to incorporate them more. Instead of making it about why he chose not to tell you... make it an open floor discussion about adult toys. That's my 0.02
Feb 28, 8:51 pm
H2O H2O
Hi everyone thank you for your help, I did talked to him and explained how I felt and how important is for me that we talk and trust each other, he answered the questions I had and I few days later when we were leaving for our trip I ask him if he was bringing his toy and he said no unless I wanted, I said yes maybe he can show me how it works :p , I got him some lube for his toy and I got the chance to use it on him, my take on the toy it needs to have batteries that thing is big and makes your wrist get tired lol, and about sex frequency I think for now will be 2 times a week, he is definitely making more effort in letting me know other things he likes or how he likes them and he is actually more relax in bed now, he hasn’t gone on a work trip yet so the toy is in the suitcase we used to go on our trip
Mar 6, 6:06 pm
GingerAnn GingerAnn
Quote:
Originally posted by H2O
Hi everyone thank you for your help, I did talked to him and explained how I felt and how important is for me that we talk and trust each other, he answered the questions I had and I few days later when we were leaving for our trip I ask him if he ...
Dear H20, now that is a comment that made my whole day! So so happy for you and your husband. This story really proves how important it is to keep the conversation going, to stay open and discuss all things sexual, not treat them as taboo.

Hope things will go upward for you two from now on. Maybe, the time will come for some common toys, huh?

And what masturbator are you using? It could be that you can just add a vibrating bullet to the sleeve for more stimulation and to keep your hands from getting tired
Mar 11, 8:49 am
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 6