Rape anniversaries...

Rape anniversaries...

K101 K101
I really don't mean to bring up any bad memories for anyone else who might be a rape victim/survivor so if you think it will you can click off. I'm only wandering if you're a rape victim/survivor or know someone who is do you/they always remember the day they were raped every year? Is it always going to be that way or after so many years do you finally forget the date? Is there anything you know of or have done yourself to make that depressing day that comes to haunt you every year better?

I'm only asking this for advice. I'm not at all trying to just bring up these horrible nightmares for others, but if you do have any input I would so appreciate it.

For me, today was 5 years. I think it was better than last year, but not forgettable by far and it seems the bothersome memories, "flashbacks" and reminders last the day before the "anniversary" (lack of a better word) and a couple of days after it still lingers really bad and can come in bursts of really depressing moments. It always gets better and keeping busy helps, but do any of you know things that help make those days easier?

I'm grateful for any advice. I know it's so hard to discuss so if you do not want to you don't have to. I wouldn't want to bring up these yucky feelings for any of you guys.

08/19/2011
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Ghost Ghost
I've experienced date rape when I was younger, but it didn't seem to affect me the way it affects other people. I don't remember the exact date, or memorialize it, and I don't care to. I always saw it as "I'm not doing anything wrong, and haven't done anything wrong, but this person is wrong" and I didn't allow the experience to color my relationships with other people or myself negatively.
08/19/2011
Angelica Angelica
Mine is really hard for me. Hoping it gets better with therapy and so forth.
08/19/2011
FleurDevereux FleurDevereux
I've never remembered the dates exactly either time, right away I put it in the back of my mind and tried to forget. Flashbacks and nightmares come back more often than I like, especially when I'm over-stressed about random things. I feel bad for my husband because sometimes he wakes me up because I beat him up in my sleep. He doesn't mind. He calms me down after he knows I've had a flashback or similar. I think being around someone I trust is the best thing I can do to ever make it better.
08/20/2011
Booktease Booktease
It's hard. Really, really hard. This year was seven years, but I think it is finally starting to get better. Get help, if you think it will help you. It helped me. <3
08/21/2011
Peggi Peggi
I think that the best way for someone who still has the thoughts, nightmares or bad feelings as an aftereffect of rape, should talk to someone, friends who wouldn't judge and would be understanding, others who have gone through it, or even posts like this.

This happened to me a few years back, I was young and there were two men, neither of whom I was ever able to identify, and although the experience itself was traumatic, I became pregnant, and although I was not financially able to care for children, I did decide to go ahead and keep them (twins, a boy and girl), and give them to a family to love them. I would've loved to have kept my babies, but financially, I couldn't have. So in a way, something good did come of this in my case, and I had months of that something "good". However, I do often think back to that time, and cry.

It was the first time in my life I experienced helplessness. I was also only 16.
08/22/2011
mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
I really don't mean to bring up any bad memories for anyone else who might be a rape victim/survivor so if you think it will you can click off. I'm only wandering if you're a rape victim/survivor or know someone who is do you/they always ...
Hi, I was raped in February 2006 and i went thru counseling and a support group, i moved outta state the following yr and had 2 babies/got married. im married and have 2 toddlers.

I still think about it every Feb. 13 which sucks because I enjoy Valentines Day with my hubby and kids the next day and if my hubby tries to have time alone that nite of 13th i like get upset and tell him i cant =[ he knows ive been raped b4 i met him but he doesnt know the date. i use to have bad flashbacks and nightmares. Because of it getting to me and making me upset if i think about it, i gotta call police station back in September to talk to the police officer who did the full police report that night, and see if he would be willing to make me a copy of it because i lost mine. im praying he will say he can and will meet me at police station with it.

here is my blog (not about EF) about my story if you would like to read it, follow my blog and leave a comment if u want just to let me know if my story helps u know u arent alone.

link
08/22/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
I've experienced date rape when I was younger, but it didn't seem to affect me the way it affects other people. I don't remember the exact date, or memorialize it, and I don't care to. I always saw it as "I'm not doing ...
Yes, that is quite different from my experience. I didn't ALLOW it to affect my life and I really wouldn't say that any rape survivior ALLOWED it. That makes it seem almost like the chose it, they let it. It isn't always something you can stop. Not everyone is traumatized after it, but I think when a 15 year old girl is drugged and beaten to the point of nearly being dead and raped, it isn't something she allows to scare her or affect other relationships. I also think maybe with abuse added it makes things harder. Not everyone goes through a PTSD episode, but some do feel terrible after it. Nobody could ever want those types of things to affect their lives, but it happens. I don't think it's a matter of one person being stronger than the other or one just deciding it won't bother her. Nobody wants to remember the date, but it isn't something every woman can help.
08/25/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Angelica
Mine is really hard for me. Hoping it gets better with therapy and so forth.
I'm sorry for you, so much. It's terrible I know. My "anniversary" I really hate calling it that, but I can't think of another word. Anyways, was 6 days ago and I can say it IS the hardest thing I've ever been through! So you're doing therapy? I never did. Maybe I should've. I do have a wonderful support system, my partner and I have written a "letter" going into details and kind of letting HIM know what I think, then I burn it. I've done that very many times and it's relieving! I wouldn't mind hearing how therapy goes though. Is it really helpful? I'll be taking a psychology and hypnotherapy class this year when I graduate with my writing and one reason is for that. I want to help myself, I guess.

I do hate that this happens to so many people.

"RAPE IS THE ONLY CRIME IN WHICH THE VICTIM BECOMES THE ACCUSED."
-Freda Adler.

Isn't that so true! Sad, but true.
08/25/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by FleurDevereux
I've never remembered the dates exactly either time, right away I put it in the back of my mind and tried to forget. Flashbacks and nightmares come back more often than I like, especially when I'm over-stressed about random things. I feel bad ...
Aw. I'm very sorry. I know exactly what you mean about flashbacks! I wondered how common those were. I still have some of the worst nightmares of my life! Lol how sweet of your husband. Instead of beating mine, I wake him crying or yelling when I have the nightmares. Maybe I need to break bad and starting hitting! Lol. I agree with the trust thing. I never did deal with my issue, like you I put mine totally out until he came along shortly after and I had an awful panic attack when he got touchy and I was OK with it. I totally didn't expect to react that way, but when I did I ended up telling him after he showed so much concern. He's been very good with it ever since. It makes things much, much easier. I honestly think I would've turned crazy if he wasn't there to make me stop panicking. Then again, I seen the rapist about a year later and my partner was in the gas station and I had another panic attack. This was only the 2nd time I'd saw him and the first time was when he did the bad thing. But I freaked and when my partner came out and asked what was wrong I told him and... well... there was confrontation... Thank God he couldn't have known which girl my partner was confronting him over since he'd done it to 2 other women as well. If not more!
08/25/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Booktease
It's hard. Really, really hard. This year was seven years, but I think it is finally starting to get better. Get help, if you think it will help you. It helped me. <3
Really? Did you see a therapist or something. I'm sorry to say this, but I once realized THE-RAPIST also spells therapist. It creeps me out. I ended up writing a story about it. The title was THE-RAPIST. You can probably guess how it goes, but it was published. Anyways, I wondered if getting help would be any helpful. My partner has brought it up, but I've always been very scared! I don't tell people I know unless we are extremely close. The internet's great. You can discuss things like that and not feel like they think different of you, even if they secretly do. Lol.

Do you think it would do any good to get help even 5 years later? I guess I'm just weird. I've considered it, but never was brave enough. I applaud you for taking that step! I'm glad to hear it helped you. I'm sorry that this was 7 years for you. Can you tell me, does it get better or does it just get a good bit better and then stop? I figure it can keep getting better, but I've read that you can only heal to a certain point and then you're kind of... stuck? I just can't let myself think of it that way though.
08/25/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
I think that the best way for someone who still has the thoughts, nightmares or bad feelings as an aftereffect of rape, should talk to someone, friends who wouldn't judge and would be understanding, others who have gone through it, or even posts ...
Yes. People who are understanding are a good help. So far it's been me and my partner on the "journey" and it is much better, but on those days when you think you might be crazy, it would be nice to hear from those who know or have gone through it too.

Again, I am so sorry for you too. Oh my goodness, I could not imagine becoming pregnant from it. YOU kept them! AW! How cool! and oh my! How brave. Twins, that is awesome. I am a twin. That is really admirable that you were able to do that. I honestly can't say for sure I would've been able to. When I wondered if I'd gotten pregnant from it I thought about abortion. I wasn't at all certain and didn't suspect pregnancy, but knew it was a possibility. I don't think I could've gone through with an abortion though, but I certainly wouldn't judge someone who did. It's really amazing that you look at the bright side. My heart does ache for you though. I was 15. Those are hard ages to go through it. You're totally right about feeling helpless. I haven't ever felt that way until then and still only feel helpless when August comes around. Even the smell of the air reminds me. UGH!
08/25/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by mama2007
Hi, I was raped in February 2006 and i went thru counseling and a support group, i moved outta state the following yr and had 2 babies/got married. im married and have 2 toddlers.

I still think about it every Feb. 13 which sucks because I ...
AW. Bless your heart. How really brave of you though, to make such a turn around so soon. Congrats on the wonderful kids! So did you ever end up running into the man ever again? Since you moved outta state I assume it must've been far. I didn't move. In fact, I live in a tiny area and he lives on the SAME mountain! It's terrifying, but thankfully I've only saw him 5 times and one was the night he did that. Every time I saw him it was driving and 2wice at wal mart. He works next to wal mart and it makes me cringe! I hate that you have to remember that around such a sweet holiday. That's awful! So I'm not the only one with flashbacks! I truly thought I was really crazy. It was scary. Do those ever go away? It's been 5 years and 6 days for me and still they are there. Not as often, but there. I will also pray that he will be able to make you a copy. You can count on my prayers on that!

Why is it that rape is so often looked over? Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing! You have no idea how kind and helpful that was. I am going to follow your blog. It was so nice to see that I am not insane. I do hate it so much for all the other women though. Gosh, it angers me! It is very nice to hear I'm not alone. Same to you and the rest of you out there. I'm always up for a chat!

I think a support group sounds nice. It's not as scary sounding as a doctor and could add to the help and support of my partner. I know he gets exhausted with it, but he'd never tell me that.
08/25/2011
mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
AW. Bless your heart. How really brave of you though, to make such a turn around so soon. Congrats on the wonderful kids! So did you ever end up running into the man ever again? Since you moved outta state I assume it must've been far. I ...
thanks about my kids. Well I am from Virginia and to make a stupid story short I met my now husband online because of his then wife =/ lol. so I was moving there to room with her because they were suppose to be divorcing but yeah it didn't work at all like that. He ended up coming onto me and thenyeah i got pregnant with our son, had him 6 wks early then she signed the D papers and then left and we got married and found out I was expecting our daughter. They are only 10 months and a few days apart in age. Anyways I moved from VA to PA which is 6.5 hrs driving if you speed which at time he did, but if you're a normal driver it takes about 8 hours to get to the town we lived in from April 2007 til October 2009.We had to move BACK to VA which in 2009 I was kinda flipping out on my husband about it saying do u know HOW HARD i tried gettin outta that state and why? He knew why but he also had been laid off work for 18 months and the unemployment $ extensions were running out, so we had no choice unless you wanted minimum wage jobs. soooooooooooooo I am like ok ONLY if you let me make a few calls to make sure if i work at mall til u get a job that he is NOT still there. He said ok and i was told he was fired so i said ok ask dad if we can stay with them. so we ended up taking getting dad to drive up (his license was susp. at time and i only had my permit) and helped us pack up and leave PA. in may 2010 we went back to get some of our stuff and in dec 2009 too. he had built a shed so thats where our stuff is that we didnt have room for in va =] we're actually going to PA 2nite at 11pm so we'll get there at 5am or so. gotta get more stuff.

I saw him 2x BEFORE i moved (in 2006 1x and 1x in 2007)when my mom and I went to the mall. I didn't know he worked there so I was just going to my interview at one of the stores and was told I could start monday and i said let me talk to my dad about to get to and from work and ill call them they said ok. i went to meet my mom outside that store and looked up to see HIM working at the sunglasses stand, and I immediately started shaking and he said hi or something i mean I TOOK OFF RUNNING AS FAST AS I COULD up the escelator to the steps my mom was at and told her we HAVE TO LEAVE n i cannot take the job im sorry. she then took me to the police station to see if even tho i had no rape kit done if anything could be done, they said i can but it'd get pricy (my dad had a great job) and it would end up being he said she said unless someone else came fwd with allegations. i tried talkin to a defense attourney but i gave up because thats when i had plans of leaving va. In oct 2006 i got a job at Kmart Little Caesars Pizza and i kept that job til i moved in april 2007. Well one night when i was making the pizzas this guy comes up to the register and says can i order? i looked up and said u HAVE TO COVER me i g2g i ran out the door and called my dad to come get me early and told mom why. but since then i have not seen him.

Counseling specifically for Sexual assault and rape helps alot more than a support group filled with older adults who it happened to a long time ago as a kid. i felt outta place.

yes the nightmares went away once i got outa state and found out i was pregnant with my son. the flashbacks went away when i was 5 months pregnant or so.
08/25/2011
IslandGoddess IslandGoddess
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
I really don't mean to bring up any bad memories for anyone else who might be a rape victim/survivor so if you think it will you can click off. I'm only wandering if you're a rape victim/survivor or know someone who is do you/they always ...
I was raped when i was bout 11/12 i cant remember but i dont remember the exact day I do how ever remember it was around mothers day not sure if it was before or after . But i try not to think about it because its not easy, certain words, smells and tastes can bring back the memories clear as if it was yesterday.
08/27/2011
mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by IslandGoddess
I was raped when i was bout 11/12 i cant remember but i dont remember the exact day I do how ever remember it was around mothers day not sure if it was before or after . But i try not to think about it because its not easy, certain words, smells and ...
im so sorry
08/29/2011
Sir Sir
In all honesty, this is a little...creepy, almost, to me. I do not remember the day, but I remember how old I was when it happened. In all honesty, I'd prefer to move forward and not remember such trivial things. Have an anniversary for it? Anniversaries are supposed to be happy, not celebrate terrible things that happened to you.

No thank you.
08/29/2011
mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by K101
AW. Bless your heart. How really brave of you though, to make such a turn around so soon. Congrats on the wonderful kids! So did you ever end up running into the man ever again? Since you moved outta state I assume it must've been far. I ...
my blog was accidentally deleted when i clicked wrong button. here's my new blog for personal blog.

link
08/30/2011
Beck Beck
Kind of hard to member dates of at least five years of abuse! My grandfather sexually abused me as a child I am not positive how long and what all happened. It is strange how the mind works to deal with things. I was also date raped when I was 16 that was in march so it was 6 years ago for me. I only remember that month because I had to switch schools with one 9weeks left. Other than that I do not want to think about it. I deal with it just fine, my life is not at all affected by these things. It made me who I am and nothing is going to change what happened to me. I can understand remembering the date since it is hard to forget.

Well I guess the whole grandfather one kind of affects my life. I know I keep tracks of him on the sex offender page. I can not help but check monthly at least. I want to know where I should not go, if I saw him all hell would break lose! I do get crazy dreams and nightmares about him all the time. It really is not fair, I hope he is getting them to. I hope he likes the idea of dying alone because that is what is happening to him. He his 69 just the other day and is diabetic and been sick for long time. I know he is dying with no family, everyone disowned him. This makes me extremely happy. He sends letters to my mother every so often telling her how Jesus changed his life and blah blah blah. Only reason he knows the address is because my family has not moved since this happened. However I have wanted to send a letter back and say a few things. I think this would show him I care, even if it is just a little. Since I took the time to write a letter and send to him. I am not doing this. I think that hearing nothing is the best for him.

I am so sorry to hear all these awful stories, such a shame that there are so many sick bastards out there.
08/30/2011
Love Perpetua Love Perpetua
I remember it all the time, flashbacks, etc., but the date or it doesn't have any special significance for me. I do remember it was 3 weeks before my birthday, but the specific date, or those 2 hours on that date don't mean much to me. The fact that it happened at all, yes. I am still afraid to be alone outside after dark though...

Edited to add: I'm sorry for everyone who has been through this. I found writing helpful, & for a while I found support on a rape survivors forum. My friends all tried to be supportive, tried to stay with me around the clock (I'm still not sure why), but I just felt too...different? changed? broken? to be able to handle it and I didn't want anyone around me.
08/30/2011
Defi Enyo Defi Enyo
I was kidnapped when I was eleven and raped,I remember it every year and when I was fifteen (I'm twenty now just so you know) I finally told people.I was a mess before that, I bottled everything up, and pretended to be the happiest person in the world.Reality was I fuckin hated everything because I thought it was my own fault.But after I started talking about I felt like a weight on my shoulders had gotten lighter and lighter until now instead of ditching work or school and hiding under my bed hoping nobody will touch or find me again, I normally I just stay at home and pig out on ice cream and Johnny Depp movies but I will say this after nine years I've gotten more and more emotionally distanced from it by talking about it, venting at support groups and,well, doing this.My advice is spoil yourself rotten on THE DATE , talk about it and let time heal all wounds.
10/03/2011
Defi Enyo Defi Enyo
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
Kind of hard to member dates of at least five years of abuse! My grandfather sexually abused me as a child I am not positive how long and what all happened. It is strange how the mind works to deal with things. I was also date raped when I was 16 ...
OH! that prick!I hope he rots in the sickest pit of hell for what he did. I hope you get better love
10/03/2011
hyacinthgirl hyacinthgirl
I've only recently been able to admit to myself that my ex raped me, so I don't remember the days. Just that I was sexually violated, and that I excused him for it completely. He didn't even get a 'Dude, not cool', despite the fact that both times he was holding me down while I was crying and begging him to stop. But I orgasmed, and he held me afterwards and kissed my forehead, and acted like he had just been playing around, so I instantly forgave him.

Besides, except for a couple of times, our sexual encounters were consensual, so it was obviously not rape or sexual abuse! Sometimes I could kick myself over just how blind I was where he was concerned. But that's putting responsibility for his bad actions on myself, which I shouldn't do. I didn't make him rape me, because I would have had sex with him both times, just not without protection, and not past my physical limits.
10/04/2011
carenautilus carenautilus
Not entirely applicable, but I'm an incest survivor, and there are definitely times when I need to mark what has happened to me. To find a way to remember and process.

I don't remember a lot of what my mother did to me. It wasn't violent. I remember sitting in my bedroom while she lay next to me and masturbated. She was playing porn on the little tv in my room, and she had a vibrator plugged in next to my tape player. I remember that. I remember her telling me to call what we did 'going to the library'. I remember my father coming home early and finding his five-year-old daughter blankly watching porn and using a vibrator. I remember that he didn't do anything.

I don't really remember when it stopped. There are large sections of my childhood I can't really remember.

I'm twenty-one now, and sometimes my mother will say something, or tilt her head just so, and I'm trembling and unhappy. I try to remember that I'm safe now, and that I get to choose who touches me. It's not easy, but it gets better with time.
10/04/2011
LilLostLenore LilLostLenore
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
I've experienced date rape when I was younger, but it didn't seem to affect me the way it affects other people. I don't remember the exact date, or memorialize it, and I don't care to. I always saw it as "I'm not doing ...
I agree with this.
10/04/2011
mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by carenautilus
Not entirely applicable, but I'm an incest survivor, and there are definitely times when I need to mark what has happened to me. To find a way to remember and process.

I don't remember a lot of what my mother did to me. It wasn't ...
gosh im so sorry hun thats horrible.
10/05/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
I'm so sorry for the pain all here have suffered.

I have healed and moved on from the abuse I suffered as a child. I think it depends on where you are in your recovery. I don't have any anniversaries, and honestly don't even think about it anymore, unless I see a thread like this.

I think the truest proof of recovery is that you can look back and say, "Yeah, that sucked. But, it doesn't effect me now. His (or her) actions do not have an impact on my life anymore. I refuse to give him that place of distinction in my living."

I do not consider myself a "victim" nor a "survivor." Something bad happened to me, I worked hard to recover and I refuse to give that abuser any more of my time, my thoughts or my mind or body.

It's far from the most interesting thing that has ever happened to me, and I think I'm about to move even farther and even stop responding to threads like this. Living in the past never helped anyone live a better, more joyful life.
10/05/2011
Total posts: 27
Unique posters: 16