Dear Gumdrops Butt Plug,

I wanted to love you. I tried to love you. Really, I did. The thing is you don't meet my needs but I think you can make someone else really happy. I remember when we first met. The UPS man left you on my front porch and I whisked you inside so we could have a proper introduction. I didn't know what to make of you. Your flimsy, clear plastic package was cheap looking and the fact that it said 'Butt Plug' and 'Anal Play Toys' in multiple places and large bright letters was a turn off. I knew that's what you were made for but a little subtlety could have gone a long way. And then there was your size. I am no beginner to anal play (you definitely weren't made for beginners) but your 2 inch diameter, 4.5 inch total length, and 3.75 inches of insertable length made my sphincter gulp. Despite your size, you were shockingly lightweight at only 0.3 pounds.

Yes, you were big plug, but you were also beautiful. Your gorgeous, rounded flares, bulbous tip, generous base, and clear, cherry red color lured me in. I loved the way the light seemed to catch and glitter in your PVC flares. So you're not the safest material out there. I didn't plan on sharing you and a large condom could be stretched over your parts to make you more safe for use. I was willing to overlook your minor flaws until I took you out of the package. Man did you smell bad. You reeked of skunk with subtle under notes of fruit punch. I decided to let you air out in my office for a few days before taking you for a spin.

Things were going well until I decided to use you. When I opened the door of my office to retrieve you, not only did you still smell but you made my entire office smell. I wasn't sure I could go through with it but I wanted to be fair to you and give you a chance to make me happy. I placed you on the sink for a bath and while your 2.75 inch base made you stand with pride I noticed you had a pronounced lean about 10 degrees to the right. Interesting, but not a problem.

Though you felt somewhat tacky in my hand before your bath (soap and water or toy cleaner), you became slippery, smooth, and slick under water. I was surprised by the firm but subtle give you had when I squeezed you in my hand. You weren't soft but you had some flex to your thinner bits. I would have tasted you but I couldn't get past the smell. (Someone else will have to give you the verdict there.)

I warmed up and when I was ready for you, I applied a healthy amount of lube (silicone or water based) and crossed my fingers. You slid in easily and comfortably. Your base made a great handle for me to thrust with but something was still missing. Despite your long neck and bulbous tip, I couldn't achieve that satisfying "pop" I was looking for. You were just too smooth. Without that pop I hoped for, I inserted you all the way. Your flared base was comfortable nestled against me and I had no problem keeping you in place inside me. But you were ridiculously filling for me; uncomfortably filling. I may have met my match with your two inches. I grew tired of your stretch and decided to try you again later with my partner.

My partner found you easy to grip and maneuver but he could not master the "pop" either. That is where our fun with you ended. I had high hopes you and my partner would provide the kind of dual stimulation I was seeking but you weren't up for the job. You were so large and filling that my partner couldn't even enter me, much less stimulate him or me the way I longed for.

I tried and tried. I used you in the morning and at night, with water and silicone lube. I even put a condom on you and tried to enjoy you vaginally but there was no pleasant sensation there. You are the toy I have waited longest to review just hoping I would learn to make you work for me. But you don't. You would work great for someone who enjoys anal stretching or who wants to learn to accommodate a large partner or dildo anally. You would be perfect for experienced users who enjoy an overly full feeling. You might even work for someone who wants to thrust just the tip. You look great in pictures, but you're not for me.

I'm sorry, Gumdrops, but I can't see you anymore. You don't even have a cute storage bag for me to remember you by, but we'll always have this review.