I knew very little about the Lonely Hearts cock ring when I requested it as a surprise assignment. I knew that it was big but, having used and loved large silly looking cock rings in the past, we figured that it would be right up our alley. From a quick Google, I knew that it was also a lovely light fuchsia shade. The controller looked different from anything else we’d tried, and the ring itself was a more body-safe material than many. In short, it looked like fun.

Because the box isn’t practical for storage, you’ll have to store them yourself. Make sure to store the ring separate from the bullet: when we removed ours from the packaging, some of the pink dye had already transferred from the ring to the cord where they touched. When we stored ours together, the controller developed a dark purple patch.

To be honest, our first impressions were laughter, incredulity, and more laughter. The Lonely Hearts looked absolutely ridiculous. I think that the shimmery shade is lovely, but he found it far too feminine. That heart is almost 1.5 inches wide, and 2.5 inches long. It looks more like a reflex hammer than a heart (though it’s not quite hard enough to use this way, for those with a medical fetish).

The ring itself gave us both pause. Unlike the pictures, it’s about 3/4 of an inch thick. While it can be stretched to accommodate any human male’s penis and balls, it tightens down hard enough that it was too painful for him to leave on this way for very long. Those below average girth may have better luck, but for the rest this is only going around your penis. The ring’s sole purpose in life is to support that heart.

The controller is what really stood out, from the moment we tried it. The grips were great when covered in lube. The on/off and function buttons are separate, allowing for a fast turn-off when necessary without cycling through to the end. The function button is an innovative lever in a hole in the top. Just remember to pull your finger out during orgasm, because clenching your fist and changing the setting will probably ruin your groove.

Unfortunately, this is where the good surprises end. Putting the Lonely Hearts ring onto him was not comfortable, as it pulled at his hair. Then the weight of the heart was such that it almost pulled the ring down off of him, dragging the condom along with it. When it finally settled into place, we turned on the bullet. The vibrations transmitted pretty well, so we proceeded to test it…

Long story short, it hurt. Short story long, with the point toward me, it dug into both of us in a very uncomfortable way. If he went deep enough for me to feel the vibrations, and reversing it to point towards him was no better. We rotated it down to stimulate his balls, and again met with discomfort. I received no pleasure from that heart. In any position where we could actually get it into contact with the right spots (which was difficult), it dug into one of us painfully. Repeated trials under varying conditions, from missionary, to doggy, to standing in the shower, to ring around my fingers, produced no better results.

Between tests, I tossed the ring into an FYN case. Much to my dismay, when I removed it, the ring was not as I had left it. While it didn’t dissolve or remold, small portions of what had been touching the lining of the case turned very grainy and rubbed off when I gently cleaned it. I have never had this happen with any other toy. Afterward I was very hesitant to let this touch our tender bits again, phthalate-free or not, even in the name of science!

Luckily the bullet can be used alone, so the experiments were not yet over. With fresh batteries, the bullet has a decent amount of power. The settings are interesting, but most were too weak to do more than tease. However, after about 30 minutes of use, the batteries died. I tried again with fresh, non-rechargeable, batteries and just let it run to the same result. On fresh batteries, on the highest setting, I came close to orgasm; but was unable to reach it before the batteries died.

The bottom line; this is a design that needs to go back to the drawing board. The controller design is great, but the settings could use a revamp, and the ring itself was an absolute bust. While it had potential, this is a toy that’s getting pitched.

We both laughed at this toy when we first saw it. He was incredulous, and couldn’t believe at first that he actually had to put THAT on. His description of how it looked started with “too feminine”, and wended its way to “really stupid looking”.

It took some reasoning and mentioning that as I don’t have a penis, I couldn’t do the review without him, before he was willing to give it a try.

Have you ever tried to engage in foreplay, when one or the other of you keeps bursting out laughing at the thought of the toy you’re going to have to test?

We tried and tried to get this to work for us, both together and by myself, for a few weeks; but unlike cheese and fine wine, it did not get better with time. Unless you are very sensitive, or can get off quickly enough that replacing batteries after 30 minutes of use isn’t an issue, it’s not worth it even for just the bullet. I love the new controller design, but there weren’t enough other redeeming features to this toy to salvage more than a single star.

After throwing away the ring, and tossing the bullet to the back of the toy drawer for a few weeks, I pulled the bullet back out for a spin. I was hoping that after some time had passed, and the utter loathing of the cock ring had faded a bit in my memory, that the bullet itself would be better. It's not. It's still a rather lackluster bullet with a cool design. And I still can't coax an orgasm out of it before the batteries die.