When Someone You Love is Kinky - bdsm toy by Greenery Press - review by Dragon

Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, (Janet Hardy) have written another book with the purpose of helping to reassure those that have just learned that someone they care about is "kinky" and what that actually means.

The first two chapters are an introduction about why you might read this book and what you might be feeling. This includes the trust someone may have placed in you by sharing such information, individual concerns or confusion, questions about safety or wanting to know more. One question that you might have is "kink" a temporary experiment or fundamental to their identity.

Throughout the book there are individual and personal letters written by those that have some connection to the sexual kinky community- designed to share what they wish they could have communicated about their sexuality.

"What does it mean to be kinky?"
The answer begins with "According to the 'normal' assumption, a successful sex means potentially reproductive intercourse between a man and a woman, preferably married, who plan to have children and stay together in a monogamous relationship for the rest of their lives. Some believe that even within these stringent boundaries, sex is only okay if the man is on top and if both partners reach orgasm at the same time without other sources of stimulation like fingers or vibrators." Other questions in this section include , "Are kinky people a small minority," "Is kink sick? Can it be healthy?, and "What about morality?" The authors are very clear to express objective thoughts and often follow with a statement such as "Your authors believe that the morality of sexual behavior between consenting adults has nothing to do with how outrageously we express our sexuality, or with how many people." The text continues with morality about how we treat those around us.

"What do kinky people actually do?"
"The first thing to understand is that kinky behavior is nowhere near as scary as it looks. The whole point is to feel scary and be safe." This section is tremendously reassuring to anyone that doesn't understand kinky sex. It is not going to provide too much information to fast. It talks of the pleasure of immobility and how a lot of kinky behavior such as a flogging is really just a different type of sensation and may not involve any pain at all. (The more you are involved with kinky sex the more you learn. Not here.) It discusses dominance and submission as the temporary exchange of power which sometimes fit individuals for longer time periods.

The chapter on safety is also designed to be reassuring. Care for each other's feelings and thoughts, consent and negotiation are the first steps. Being old enough and sober enough to play- when you have the necessary communication and emotional sophistication needed. Limits, safewords and safeguards are also discussed.

"Your kinky person's world"
The sexual kinky person has lived in a world of sexual negativity and a need to maintain confidentiality, but in many larger city their are active communities to support alternative sexual styles. Play parties, leather bars, professional dominants, and conference are briefly explained.

"Coming to terms"
In the authors words, "Start by giving yourself permission to not like, not want, not feel erotic about anything that you may be hearing from your kinky friend that is shocking and difficult for you. It's not your job to like ever single fantasy or role-play or sexual behavior that you hear about. All that is asked of you is that you find a neutral position." Set your own limits about information and what you are feeling. What are your rights? Do you get to control your kinky friend or relations behavior and for what goal. This chapter provides someone completely new to the scene permission to understand and accept their own feelings, and a reminder that decisions have to be based on information. Once again, their is a strong emphasis on communication.

"What if it's your partner?"
With a recognition of letting yourself acknowledge the shock and emotions the next question is facing that "your own participation suddenly becomes very important." Your partner hasn't changed, just your knowledge of his/her sexual desires and potential goals. The issues include initially understanding the difference in what you perceive someone wants and they actually want to the complicated issues of kink being unacceptable or opening up the relationship. Again, the chapter is full of a lot of reassurance, take your time and explore your emotions.

Their is a substantial glossary, but some terms are still described briefly. "Watersports - There are two meanings for this word. One is play involving urine, most often one partner urinating on another. The other is play involving enemas. If you're not sure what someone means by 'watersports' you'll have to ask.

I personally feel this is a fantastic introductory book for anyone that wants to communicate their sexuality to someone that may have no understanding at all of what it means to be sexually kinky. It is reassuring, open, non-threatening and factual without too much detail. Their is no mention of fire play or body cages in the text for example.

I have a personal kinky side. My husband finds this challenging at times. I was hoping to find more information that appeals on a personal level. I did pass him the book, and think that he will benefit, but he knows many things and will probably skip around a lot. In this context, the book offers limited information.