I have to admit I was stoked to get my Playgirl: Illicit Affairs DVD in the mail. I took a bubble bath, dressed in some satin pajamas, laid down in my big, silky, bed and plugged this baby into my laptop with a smile and a sigh. Unfortunately, I built it up in my head just a little too much I'm afraid.

I'm a chick and therefore am a little more complex than the average male, most especially when it comes to sex. I want variety. I want to hear him. Sixteen year old boys have to be quiet so mom doesn't hear them in the shower. Grown men should grunt, growl and say things like, "Fuck yeah, baby! Your pussy feels so good." You get it? Out of eight different scenes only one guy was vocal. In all of the eight scenes the woman's sounds greatly outweighed the sounds of the guy. If you're into listening too - as I am - unfortunately this is more for the lesbians, bisexuals, and hetero males I'm afraid.

I'm ashamed to say, because it's PLAYGIRL, the actual filming overall was sorely lacking. Seven out of eight scenes were the same style of fucking. The eighth was almost the same except our guy did smack her ass once and make some sounds. Every scene ended with the guy pulling out, taking off the rubber and squirting on her. I watch porn. There's other ways to end it.

I work in the film industry so I am a tad more picky than most; but, I'm also a realist and realize that porn has far smaller budgets than Die Hard. That being said, there's no excuse for me hearing crew talking over the "Ooh! Yeah!" of the starlet; nor, is it okay for me to hear tennis shoes squeaking when our couple is screwing, feet up, on the bed. In one of the bonus scenes (one of our extremely bored guys of course) suddenly bursts into laughter while stroking it. And our guy who got the boring blow-job? He had a male sign tattooed to right above his penis. Either he's being extremely redundant or the guy is gay and banging a chick. I was dumbfounded.

Several guys acted like they were bored, as if they weren't really into it at all. The really sad thing? One was getting a blowjob at the time and two were bonus scenes of self-gratification. If you can't enjoy getting yourself off then when are you going to enjoy it?

The only thing this DVD had going for it was good-looking guys and gals. The music wasn't bad, though sometimes the talking they dubbed into it was just lame and messed up the sexiness of the scene. The packaging was great if a little misleading. You think it's gonna be guys and you're going to see them, hear them, practically taste them.

NOTE: There was only one Latino couple and it was a bonus scene. There were no black couples. The two solo bonus scenes, I believe, contained Mulatto men.