Dita von Teese is a beautiful lady, and I've enjoyed many of the photographs I have seen of her. I had high hopes of a fetish movie featuring her. I'm sorry to say that, having now watched "Behind Closed Doors," I have no interest in seeing another of her films.

The first thing I noticed when looking at the DVD menu was that there are no closed captions or subtitles available. Fortunately, this movie doesn't really need either. The entire soundtrack appears to be a piece of elevator music on repeat, with a bit of background noise accidentally floating through from time to time and the occasional gasp or moan edited in afterward.

When watching Dita strip tease during the first "Dita's Dance" clip I was, frankly, bored. The choreography was uninspiring and not in the least titillating. I quite liked her undergarments and, as mentioned before, I find her quite attractive but I found myself wanting to fast forward through the clip. I did enjoy the second strip tease a little more, but found myself distracted by the fact that when the camera moved around I was able to see some of the film equipment.

By the third "Dita's Dance" clip, she'd started to get more into the swing of things, putting more emphasis on the "tease" rather than focusing entirely on the "strip" aspect. I was really starting to enjoy watching her rub lubricant all over herself, when suddenly the camera pans out to a point where the lower right quarter of the screen is occupied by a graying photographer's head. Talk about buzzkill! It still ended on a better note than any of the clips that preceded it, however, we saw her give us an actual smile!

"Stiletto Sluts 1" started out with her cleaning some shoes, including fellating the heel of one stiletto shoe. This was the most interesting part of the clip for me, as her tongue moves quite prettily. The cobbled together bits and pieces that followed as she served her mistress (a pretty brunette who somehow managed to make herself entirely forgettable), gave her a foot massage, and took a bath together felt very awkward and contrived. The facial expressions conveyed a singular sense of boredom throughout it all.

"Stiletto Sluts 2" conveyed a similar sense of ennui as Dita tried on and discarded multiple pairs of shoes, is used as a footstool, paints her mistress's toenails and worships her feet, and gets mummified and bound using pantyhose. I found the pantyhose mummification particularly interesting and pretty, but I still didn't feel engaged enough to care what was coming up.

"Corset Sisters" was the first clip where I really didn't like any of the clothing choices, which is odd because I am really into corsets. Something about the combination of the colorful corsets, the fishnet bodysuits, and the "powdered" wigs just didn't gel for me. It also hurt me a little inside to see some of the corsets being improperly laced and/or improperly fitted. It was also dissatisfying to watch a "flogging" where the flogger was barely being swung hard enough to hit the mark. When one of the ladies cut open the fishnet bodysuit around Dita's breasts and painted her nipples bright red, however, I did exhibit a flash of interest. Too bad the clip didn't take that any further.

"Fetish Motel" was actually pretty decent. Dita and a pretty redhead donned pretty outfits and posed in various places around the motel room for another lady who was holding a camera and snapping pictures.

The stand alone clips were a mixed bag. Some were fairly interesting. I particularly liked the one where a man painted Dita silver from head to toe. Others did nothing for me - I just don't find Saran Wrap or bubble wrap particularly sexy, for instance.