Batten Down the Hatches

I have to admit that I didn't have high hopes for this baby, but that's because of the mostly cheesy packaging. It was the pirate girl in the corset that threw me off - usually packaging like that just screams, "Bad toy inside! Don't take this home with you!"

But, as they say, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. And that's true of this pretty, functional vibe as well. It's great for clit use, although I found it to be too straight and firm for much in the way of insertion. Because it's easy to handle with one hand, it's an excellent masturbation toy -- a single button on the very end clicks it on and cycles it through its five speeds (three that rev and two that pulse). Unlike the Precious Metal Gems vibe which I love because all of the vibrations are centered in the tip, this toy vibrates all over, so you can rub it up and down and still get the same amount of sensation. That makes it nice for pretty much any spot on the body.

As a segue: It's sexy and pretty. Yum. Pictures here!

It's made of a super velvety plastic that feels really nice to the touch and gives the impression that the toy is actually softer than it really is. It also has some rhinestone-style accents (the pirate's booty?) that I would normally hate, but which don't bother me on this vibe for some reason.

I think this is designed to be a clit toy - but maybe that's just because the shape is too straight and the material is too rigid for much internal play. In that case, it's big for a clit vibe - more than eight inches long. This baby certainly isn't discreet, but then again I don't think it's designed to be. Since it has such a pretty package - black and pink, with skulls and pirate-like things - it's a better show-off vibe than an under-the-radar one.

Super easy to use. A simple button on the hand-held end cycles you through the five speeds. The first three are various intensities of revving, the last two are pulsing styles. My only complaint is that in order to turn it off, you have to go through all five speeds until you get to the off setting. Thus, NOT to be used if you're waiting for a phone call, a child to return or your in-laws to walk in the door. On the other hand, it's not terribly noisy for the speed and intensity that you get, so you might be able to throw it under the pillow while it's still revving and get away with it.

The package says its "splashproof." I have no idea what that means, exactly, except that I'm not going to get to take it in the shower with me. Still, I washed it with soap and water, and it worked just fine after.

Super, super easy. That's all I have to say about that. Use oil-, silicone- or water-based lubes, wash with soap and water, let it dry, then throw it in the pretty little black pouch that comes with it. Done and done. I like things that make it easy like that.

As with so many vibes out there, whether or not you like this one will be entirely a matter of personal preference. Not just for the external appearance - I found myself oddly enamored by the pink and black skulls - but also for its simple operation, its rather rigid stance and its overall vibrations (which, I have to admit, kind of made my hand tingly after a while of holding it). It's a sweet, solid toy that's playing dress up. And there's certainly nothing wrong with that.

To be honest, this is never going to be my favorite toy. Part of the reason for that is that it takes two C batteries, and it kind of eats them up. But the other part is that it's just not all that amazing. It's good, it's solid, it does its job.

On the other hand, I'm not going to send it off to Davy Jone's locker anytime soon. I like its pretty, piratey look and it gets me off without making me think too hard. Just what every busy swashbuckler needs in her treasure chest.