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Vintage Vibe Ads Still Hit the Spot

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I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that if you’re reading this, you own a vibrator. But how much do you know about the history of these tiny mechanical wonders?

  1. The First Bathtub Vibe?

Apparently no one told the makers of this old-timey vibrator that water is an excellent conductor.

While there aren’t any statistics out there that tell us how many women were electrocuted while pleasuring themselves in the tub in the days before waterproof vibes, we hope there weren’t many. That system is HUGE, and it must have generated a lot of juice.

Honestly, who thought this was a good idea?

  2. The Vibe That Cures Deafness

When I think about Hamilton Beach, vibrators are SO not the first appliances that comes to mind. But back in the day, Hamilton Beach was better known for vibes than for blenders.

This ad is an great example of medical quackery, especially when you get to the part about how a good vibrator can cure everything from stomach upsets to deafness.

Am I the only one who feels the urge to slap a “FAIL” underneath the old woman who’s using the vibrator on her head?

  3. The 11th Finger

It’s a massager for your…gums?

Suuuuure it is. For “your personal use.”

There’s something extra creepy about the lifelike appearance of the finger attached to the unit. They recommend it as a “useful gift.” Because nothing says nothing says “I care” like a disembodied vibrating finger.

The 30-day money back guarantee is nice. Hopefully they don’t use the returned ones to create refurbished models. That would be gross.

  4. Vibrators for Women Who Don’t Like Vibrators?

“If you ‘don’t care for such things’ buy one for your wife or sister. Maybe she’ll get a chance to use it — when you’re not home.” Oh, Manhattan Electrical Supply Co., you’re so subtle with your innuendo, it’s like you’re hitting us over the head.

  5. Turn of the Century Pony Play

While this is being marketed as an exercise machine and not a vibrator, you’ll be forced to see this product in a new light once you learn that horse riding’s “inspiriting action” was actually a common prescription for treating hysteria. We'll just pretend we don't see that "protrusion" coming up from the saddle in the picture and try not to make comparisons with today's Sybian.

  6. The Greatest Medical Discovery Ever Known

Alright, it’s official. We need more women in diaphanous gowns trying to sell us vibrators. Though it would be nice if they could pick a name and stick with it. Which is it, Dr. Butler: a machine, or a manipulator?

  7. Living La Vida Loca

This “home comfort” has some dubious sales copy. It claims to be “essentially a woman’s vibrator,” because it has no parts to "get out of order." You don't want to confuse women with too many parts as the "good of the family" depends upon their being able to use this product. Just make sure you don’t try and buy one on “Syracuse Day”, because the store will be closing early, apparently.

  9. The Vibe That Cures Zombies!

Nine out of every ten people are only half alive?
Are they…are they zombies? Does this vibrator cure zombies?

In all seriousness though, this ad does the best job of explaining how you feel after an orgasm…even if it is a bit hyperbolic. I still wouldn’t want that beast of a contraption anywhere near me, though.

We can’t help but wonder why today’s vibrator makers have abandoned informing us of the vibrator’s ability to cure deafness or arthritis, but we [italic
are] thankful design has advanced beyond the giant box-of-death perched on the side of the bathtub.

While they seem quaint and quacky, these outdated ads are a reminder of the golden age of vibrators. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore…and that’s a very good thing.


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Contributor: Tinamarie Bernard

I've seen some of these ads before, and they still make me giggle.

Contributor: melianofvalinor9

I can't believe that Dr.'s would give their patients orgasms...

Contributor: Teacookie

can I get some prints of those ads for my wall please? they are pretty. Orgasms are a wonderful organic cure and considering how they viewed woman back in those days, of course no female would be enjoying sex. Sadly I think in most arrange marriges sex was a duty not a pleasure which is why it was used as a medical treatment.

Contributor: Mirony

It's kind of weird that you comment on how the vibe shaped like a finger is disturbing to you because it looks like a dismembered finger but apparently the dismembered cock look is terrific, lol. Durp. Still a funny article though.