Feeling Off Balance

Recently I had to make a very difficult decision for myself and for my family. I had to decide if I was finally ready to move past fertility and give up the possibility of having another child. I know that for most people this is an easy answer either to keep one's fertility or to let it go but for me it was a really tough decision that left me feeling slightly off balance and wobbly. I spent many years fearing that I would be forever barren, which in this day and age makes me a bit old fashioned, many would say. I, however, never desired a career beyond being a housewife and mother. If I worked outside the home it would be to supplement an income never to be the "breadwinner". It was a constant heartbreak for my mother who envisioned me as a career minded woman strongly and confidently "having it all". The problem was a house, a loving partner and a couple of children were, for me, the very definition of "it all".

For over ten years we had sex, Sigel and I, unprotected and month after month we watched my period arrive with a weird mixture of self-loathing and relief. We didn't have "good jobs" and health insurance was a dream, but damn it all if I still didn't want a child of my own. I began to feel like I wasn't really a woman and people I worked with treated me like I was a perpetual teenager until I was over 25. I wasn't a child and I wasn't a "real" woman either and the pain of this cut into my self-esteem worse than even my belief that I was fat.
Sigel did his level best to reassure me that I was perfectly fine, but NOTHING could shake this bone deep feeling of loss that I felt whenever I saw a pregnant teenager or young professional with her laptop and baby stroller. I felt as though I was somehow less, maimed, and I had no idea why or what I had done to deserve this. My tests all came back normal, Sigel's tests all came back normal, but still every month my hated period would show up again and again, year after year.

For a pagan the "moon flow" or Womanly Time is a sacred event heralding the time in a woman's life when she is at her most powerful. The problem was my power was being inverted, turned against myself in an effort to explain why I wasn't "worthy" of being blessed with children. I cannot tell anyone the depth of my self-loathing, despair and even how much I hated Sigel for being grateful that I wasn't pregnant. Hating the man that I have loved since I was 15 years old was the worse side effect of my baby madness. In some ways I don't think I really ever got over how horribly that cut into my soul.

Then one day, as I was standing at my workplace listening to the break room chatter, I realized my coworker was pregnant. This day, however, instead of the usual flare of jealousy that had marked my behavior for many years I was just mellow and curious. I had in many ways given up, you see, so I wasn't even tracking my basal temperature anymore. As she talked about what she was feeling I realized that my breasts were itching, my nipples tingled oddly. It was driving me mad! I stood there trying not to scratch and thought, "How odd! Why am I itching so badly?" My Mother came in for dinner that night and I mentioned that one of the girl's was pregnant and I thought maybe I was too. She had heard it before, but this time she just looked me in the eyes and asked how far along I thought I might be! You could have knocked me over with a feather! Well as it turned out I was pregnant, finally.

Just after having my "miracle baby" I realized my breasts were tingling again, and once again I was indeed pregnant. I was blessed with two very healthy girls and Sigel felt that since I hadn't had the easiest time of it that he was content with the girls. He quickly made the decision to have a vasectomy as he didn't want me to undergo abdominal surgery. Everyone agreed he was being responsible and doing the right thing. The problem was my baby madness hadn't yet run its course. I never dealt with the issues causing me problems.

When I met Arch, and he became our life partner, it was with the understanding that I wanted another child. He wanted to have a child with me and Sigel was content to co-parent a child. I had managed to make them both feel responsible for my madness; I still rebelled at infertility with all my soul. Soon after we made these monumental decisions I got pregnant with our son. Through it all Sigel was a trooper, Arch was a new father and I was insane. I began planning how many more I would have...and then reality struck home. Both Arch and Sigel were a united front; they didn't want any more children.

I fought the idea, but together they managed to pierce that shell of madness and forced me to look at the fact that I had three healthy children, really healthy children! Emotionally, physically and sexually healthy children who proved that I had done what I set out to do; have a family, stay at home, and a wonderful housewife! I didn't need more babies to prove I was a woman, the proof was walking around and just about to tackle the world!