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Feeling Off Balance

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As we women grow older we face certain milestones: Childhood, Menarche, Motherhood, Menopause, Cronehood. Sometimes we have the luxury of just waiting and watching it all happen and sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands. There is often a feeling of excitement about the change in our lives and sometimes there is a touch of sadness about moving on.

  What To Do Now?

So, having decided to make my health a priority, I got some help to deal with the baby madness I had been locked inside of for so many years. I talked and reasoned, and then shut up and listened, and then I began to learn that I had value as a human being. My reproductive abilities aside, I was a pretty amazing person!

Sigel had already had his vasectomy, and Arch was looking into getting one done as well. I knew that I needed to move on as well so I investigated the types of sterilization procedures available for me. Arch was getting grief from his doctor about performing the vasectomy and the pill was making me very ill. I cannot handle my body chemistry being yanked around, so even hormone laced products, like IUDs, were not going to work for me. I needed to be sure I was not able to get pregnant because my fertile partner was serious when he said he didn't want another child!

I looked into Tubal Ligation and realized that the risks of injury to my bowel, bladder, uterus and ovaries were pretty significant. I could have an adverse reaction to anesthesia, develop an infection or suffer prolonged abdominal pain. There is a risk of ectopic pregnancy and even a risk that the procedure won't "take" and I could get pregnant anyhow! I also had to factor in the fact that, while I am not categorized as obese, I am certainly not at my optimal weight to be going in for surgery.

The guys were not real happy about this procedure no matter how reassuring my doctor was. As it turned out my doctor doesn't perform sterilizations on women unless it is just after they have given birth, so I made an appointment with an OBGYN who does sterilizations.

At the OBGYN office the Doctor listened to my reasons and heard the indecision in my voice. She was kind, understanding, and matter of fact about the drawbacks of tubal ligation. She suggested I have an Essure procedure done instead, if it was possible. I had heard about celebrities having this procedure done and it was safe, 100% effective, and doesn't cause any interruptions in the blood flow to the ovaries.

The Essure Procedure begins with a soft, flexible spring that is made from the same material as a heart stent, and is inserted into the fallopian tube. It remains visible so the doctor can confirm that the insert is properly placed. The spring causes the tube to scarify and close up around the device. After a few weeks a confirmation test is done to make sure the procedure was successful and the fallopian tubes are properly blocked.

The benefits of this type of sterilization are lack of incisions, not risk to internal organs of the abdomen, less pain, less anesthesia, and you have a 100% guarantee that the procedure has left you sterile. So yes, this was the procedure I was willing to have and the guys were comfortable with me having!

The only complication is you have to sync up the menstrual cycle to when the Essure device is placed. If the uterus has begun to rebuild its lining the path to the fallopian tube becomes less obvious. There is also a small chance that one or both of the tubes will spasm making insertion of the spring impossible. For ladies that would like more information about the procedure, including a step by step illustrated guide, I will include the official website for the Essure procedure in the bibliography of this article.

For once my body worked with me and my menstrual cycle ended the day before my surgery! I was just about as clean as you can get inside. I was an emotional ball of insanity, but I was clean and ready.

  The End Result

I went into the hospital room a ball of uncertainty, but I walked as fearlessly as I could into the lion's den of my emotions and found acceptance. I watched the ladies entering the obstetrics wing and relived the painful journey that had lead me to this tiny, little, sterile room. I realized that I truly didn't want to be pregnant again and that it was alright for me to make this decision for myself. I will always love my babies and I can celebrate with them when they have their own babies. I can be a Mother Goddess facing growing into a Crone Goddess, and I can embrace the wisdom that is going to come with time.

My children will continue to grow, and eventually they will spread their wings and try flying for themselves. I can be there when they falter, and I can really cheer them on as they feel the warm air currents carrying them as far as they wish to soar. My nest will eventually be just a place for the three of us to relax and get to know ourselves as "empty nesters".

I realized further that this frees me from the constant worry that I will end up exactly where I really don't want to be: pregnant! I have made the same decision millions of women have made over the years and will continue to make in the years to come. I have decided to embrace freedom and celebrate the children I have, instead of being mad for the children I never got to have. I have found my sanity and I find that it's a really lovely little gem.

So for the first time since I got married at 19, I am content with my fertility, and I am content that it is slowly leaving me. I am looking forward to what the future will bring with more joy than I thought possible. As the physical pain leaves me two days after the surgery, I am losing the emotional burden I had not realized I was living with for so many years. I have finally made peace with my fertility, and I can bid it a fond, and heartfelt, farewell.


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