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Let’s Not Make a Big Deal About This, OK?

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Nothing ventured, nothing gained. For big rewards, you have to be willing to take big risks. No one got ahead by playing it safe…


Contributor: KrissyNovacaine

While I appreciate the situation you are in, I don't completely agree that the points you bring up are important for everyone. I would never out anyone, but I am out in my life. I refuse to be back in the closet, so my profiles have my face and location. They have details about me.

The only way for me to not live in fear was to come out. We're still finishing up that process, but there is nothing that could seriously hurt my survival in my way of life right now if I came out.

We can't teach others that what we do is ok when we are secretive. Secrets indicate shame to others.

Again, I totally understand that you may be in a position that being out is impossible. Just remember that not everyone has or wants to be in the closet either.

Contributor: Smokedawg

My intent is not to tell people to stay in their closets. My point is more about how we shouldn't be so eager to talk about certain things in certain settings when we aren't sure about how open the other person is, and how we shouldn't simply approach them from the sexual perspective.

And, on the flip side, we shouldn't get all worked up and nervous when we see people from alternative sexual activities in public, assuming that the first thing out of their mouths will be, "hey, remember what we did/saw/etc."

There is a tendency sometimes for us to pigeonhole other people when we see them out of context or to forget that we're in another context.

My caution is more to be aware and think first, and approach people as people and not simply as someone with a certain sexual inclination.

As for whether more of us should be open or not, and whether by not putting our faces out there we might be holding back acceptance of alternative sexual practices...I don't know. But what I do know is that there's no time in the foreseeable future where all kinks/alt sex/fetishes/etc. will be normalized and accepted by the wide population. Even among people WITH kinks they often have hang-ups and preconceptions about people with different kinks. If those of us not strictly vanilla can't except the broad and diverse range of activities, I think it's a bit naive to think that most of us should be open and out there. Not saying that's your belief, but some people do hold to that, and I think it's faulty logic. Employers increasingly track down info about people online before hiring them. A politically outspoken blog could get a person passed over for any number of jobs they are deserving of consideration for, not to mention how many people would be shut out of the running over just one pic of them tied up with a dildo inserted somewhere, for example.

I think being open is great if one can do it without undue risk, but that's not as easy done as said, and I think it's more important for people to be selectively open. Only now is BDSM sort of coming into mainstream acceptance (and that's still at a very fledgling level) and that's only really because of 50 Shades of Grey, to be honest. We'll see how long the slight acceptance lasts, much less flourishes.

Contributor: Smokedawg

In other news, I hate that I accidentally wrote "except" instead of "accept." Given that I just finished proofing pages for my primary job as an editor, I find myself wishing I had an edit button here sometimes...LOL

Also, as an addendum, perhaps it's also worth sharing my wife's recent experience. There's a guy she's interested in, and when she was out one Friday, he was being flirty, and she encouraged that. At one point, she dropped a hint, and he said, "So, do you have an open marriage?" And she confirmed that. Nothing happened then, but weeks later, she texted him trying to get together for drinks or whatever. When he finally got back to her days later, he was like "So what do you want to do." It turns out he really was asking outright what sexual things she wanted to do, and thought she should just come over to his place and give him a blowjob right then and there.

Mind you, this is a weeknight, and my wife is anything but some compliant, fainting flower who is dying to please a man and not think of herself or her family.

So, he made an assumption that "open marriage" meant open to anything, anytime, at anyone's beck and call.

In the end, she set him straight. And although it had a nasty outcome, it was good that she was open with someone. But being willing to be open when appropriate is different than being open to everyone. Frankly, I don't think most of us should be open to everyone about everything anyway. Everything's about context, in my opinion.

I once told a college buddy I wrote erotica. I didn't even mention it was fetish erotica. Just erotica. And he suddenly got all weird and distant over the phone and didn't communicate with me for months thereafter. And he's not even some repressed prude. It just freaked him out to think of me in that context, and he's one of my best friends from college.



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