This Way for Hotel Happiness
Is your sex life suffering because you’ve just got too much going on? Need a break from the job, the kids, the dog… your mother-in-law? Then it’s time to get your ass—along with the ass of the one you love—to a nice hotel (or bed or breakfast) for a little playcation. When you’re guesting at a hotel, you’re no longer a P.T.A. member, dog walker, employee, taxpayer, or boss; you’re a creature whose sole intent is to get your fuck on, so pack the kids off to Grandma’s and book a room. Just be sure to follow this list of handy dos and don’ts.
DO try something different. Hotels that have an unusual history can inspire some great sex and are easy to find on the Internet. For instance, a stay at the Stanley Hotel in Colorado (where horror writer Stephen King penned The Shining) or a bed and breakfast where a famous murder took place, such as the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast in Fall River, Massachusetts, may send shivers down your spine, but there’s nothing like a little tingly fear to bring lovers closer together. “Honey, hold me… I’m scared and horny.”
I’ve twice visited a haunted bed and breakfast on Maryland’s Eastern that dates back to the Revolutionary War. The story goes that as British soldiers came up the river, they tossed torches at the front porch, which the lady of the house swept off with her broom. Eventually, she made a deal with the soldiers—they could stay there as long as they didn’t burn down the house. Rumor has it, this landlady never left. The first time I stayed there, I heard heavy footsteps up and down the hallway during the night and a party going on in the room next to mine. When I inquired the next morning at the front desk, I was told that I was the only guest. Spooky…but also somehow, oddly exciting. My husband accompanied me for the second stay. In the middle of the night, the overhead light in our room turned on by itself. I sure hope the ghost wasn’t embarrassed by she’d caught us up to….
DO bring your own food and drink. A cheeseburger in a hotel restaurant is likely to cost $25 or more, so you’re best off bringing provisions. Find out in advance whether or not your room has a fridge and plan accordingly. If you don’t have a fridge, bring a cooler. If you’re bringing wine or beer, don’t forget the corkscrew and bottle-opener. And don’t—if at all possible—resort to opening the little bottles of booze the hotels provide, unless you’re willing to pay through the nose. If you bring food to incorporate into your lovemaking, be considerate. Leaving chocolate drenched sheets for the maid to clean up is not just tacky, it’s rude.
DO bring your laptop, a few porn CDs and some mood music. (I swear by Delerium, Enigma, and Lords of Acid for hotel sex.) Movie programs are cheap and easy to install on your computer, so give yourself a gift of sexy movies for your stay and stock up your iTune library.
DO bring your favorite sex aids including flavored lube, a vibrator or two, condoms, and any kinky paraphernalia that strikes your fancy. Some hotels have deep or sunken tubs, so if you’re lucky enough to check into one, make sure to have a bottle of bath oil and waterproof sex toys handy. If your party is poly, make sure you have enough condoms for all the players.
DO bring plenty of quarters for the Magic Fingers. You’ll laugh your ass off as you and your partner and/or playmates get it on.
DO bring a swimsuit if the hotel has a pool and/or hot tub. Lots of flirting goes on anywhere there’s a wet spot and bubble jets. Who knows? You may meet someone new to play with or add to your party mix.
DO make a habit of it. See if your favorite hotel has a frequent guest program. Once you build up a certain amount of points you’ll be eligible for free nights, free room upgrades, meal discounts and more.
DO try something different. Hotels that have an unusual history can inspire some great sex and are easy to find on the Internet. For instance, a stay at the Stanley Hotel in Colorado (where horror writer Stephen King penned The Shining) or a bed and breakfast where a famous murder took place, such as the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast in Fall River, Massachusetts, may send shivers down your spine, but there’s nothing like a little tingly fear to bring lovers closer together. “Honey, hold me… I’m scared and horny.”
I’ve twice visited a haunted bed and breakfast on Maryland’s Eastern that dates back to the Revolutionary War. The story goes that as British soldiers came up the river, they tossed torches at the front porch, which the lady of the house swept off with her broom. Eventually, she made a deal with the soldiers—they could stay there as long as they didn’t burn down the house. Rumor has it, this landlady never left. The first time I stayed there, I heard heavy footsteps up and down the hallway during the night and a party going on in the room next to mine. When I inquired the next morning at the front desk, I was told that I was the only guest. Spooky…but also somehow, oddly exciting. My husband accompanied me for the second stay. In the middle of the night, the overhead light in our room turned on by itself. I sure hope the ghost wasn’t embarrassed by she’d caught us up to….
DO bring your own food and drink. A cheeseburger in a hotel restaurant is likely to cost $25 or more, so you’re best off bringing provisions. Find out in advance whether or not your room has a fridge and plan accordingly. If you don’t have a fridge, bring a cooler. If you’re bringing wine or beer, don’t forget the corkscrew and bottle-opener. And don’t—if at all possible—resort to opening the little bottles of booze the hotels provide, unless you’re willing to pay through the nose. If you bring food to incorporate into your lovemaking, be considerate. Leaving chocolate drenched sheets for the maid to clean up is not just tacky, it’s rude.
DO bring your laptop, a few porn CDs and some mood music. (I swear by Delerium, Enigma, and Lords of Acid for hotel sex.) Movie programs are cheap and easy to install on your computer, so give yourself a gift of sexy movies for your stay and stock up your iTune library.
DO bring your favorite sex aids including flavored lube, a vibrator or two, condoms, and any kinky paraphernalia that strikes your fancy. Some hotels have deep or sunken tubs, so if you’re lucky enough to check into one, make sure to have a bottle of bath oil and waterproof sex toys handy. If your party is poly, make sure you have enough condoms for all the players.
DO bring plenty of quarters for the Magic Fingers. You’ll laugh your ass off as you and your partner and/or playmates get it on.
DO bring a swimsuit if the hotel has a pool and/or hot tub. Lots of flirting goes on anywhere there’s a wet spot and bubble jets. Who knows? You may meet someone new to play with or add to your party mix.
DO make a habit of it. See if your favorite hotel has a frequent guest program. Once you build up a certain amount of points you’ll be eligible for free nights, free room upgrades, meal discounts and more.
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