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Sex and the Suburbs: The Great Anal Debate

Logos by Melanie Amorim
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Okay, moms—take your fingers out of your ears: it’s time to talk about buttsex!

  Use Your Words

Grace, a 30-year-old mother of three tried anal to turn up the heat a little: “It was exciting—very exciting for him; it blew him away. We don’t do it often, but every once in a while it is a nice way to change things up and really get him going.”

So how do you tell your husband or partner that you are ready for some bootylicious action—while still making clear that you’re not altogether confident about the whole shebang?

Well, it’s time to put on your BGPs (that’s Big Girl Panties, y’all) and have a nice, long talk with your man before you crank ZZ Top’s “Tush” to 11. And that is because there are certain inalienable laws governing the domain of anal sex, and the first of these laws is as follows:

Thou shalt not make known your desire for buttsex in any manner constituting a surprise; to wit, thou shalt not, as the kids say, ‘pop it right in there’, pretend you missed, or, in the case of the ladyfolk, grab him by his testicles and demand that he ‘split your biscuit’ forthwith.

Translation: the first time you try something this, um, delicate, you want to be sure there is a plan in place and that your partner understands that you have to call the shots. Because it’s your booty. It’s all about communication. And did I mention lube?

  Lube, Lube Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink…How Bout Some Whiskey?

Anal Sex Law #2:
Thou shalt, on behalf of both parties, once fully agreed to the time, place and nature of the carefully negotiated buttsex, procure no less than one year’s supply of lube (preferably in the form of water or silicone-based lubricant) before the act may commence. (Thou shalt NOT use any anal numbing products!)

Translation: lube is your friend—and your man’s friend, too. Quick anatomy lesson: the anus (also known as the nexus of all buttsex) is not a self-lubricating orifice; hence, nobody’s going to have a very good time without a little outside lubrication.

Start slowly so you can fully control what’s going on. You must (and I repeat MUST) make it crystal clear to your partner that slow and steady wins the race in this situation. Or, as the law defines it:

Thou shalt take it slow and easy, and not bust that ass up on the first go-round. Additionally, thou shalt relax; i.e., thou shalt unclench thy butt cheeks for a smoother penetration.

Seriously, relaxing will help things go a lot more smoothly. Maybe have your partner give you a long, sensual massage beforehand. And, um, for the record? This is not the sort of feat that requires a round of whiskey/tequila/rotgut shots beforehand—so put the Jim Beam away.

Using a vibrator on yourself can also provide a nice distraction, and for me, I found that I have incredibly intense orgasms when doing this. Margot feels the same way: “I really like anal sex,” she said. “It’s actually a really easy way to hit the G-spot. Best orgasms EVER.”

Anal sex is like the ultimate test of trust. You know those tests where you close your eyes and fall backwards to see if you can trust the person behind you to catch you? Well, anal sex is like that, except with less clothes and an erect penis poking you in the behind. Oh yeah—and I did say lube, right?

  “I’m Just Doing This For You…”

Scenario One: wife/partner, etc. isn’t all that thrilled with the overall concept; she just wants to shut her man up about the anal sex thing and prove that it’s too painful—thus, she ‘takes one for the team’, and goes in with a completely negative attitude. She comes out of it resentful and vowing that the next thing to enter her anally will most likely be part of a UFO abduction.

Scenario Two: wife/partner, etc. is mildly curious about anal sex and wants to know if it is something that could enhance her sexual experience with her partner. She is open to it, although still perhaps a little nervous.

The first scenario is not going to end well. The best one can hope for is that they’ll be back on speaking terms by week’s end. Taking one for the team isn’t all it’s cracked up to be—at least in sports, when you take one for the team, everyone congratulates you afterward. In this case, there will not be a bench full of ladies to pat you on the back and say ‘good job!’

The second scenario, on the other hand, is a more ideal set of circumstances for a woman’s first foray into anal. She’s completely open to the possibility of actually enjoying it, is intrigued by other women who say it can be the best sex EVAR, and she trusts her partner enough to put aside the pain factor and jump in feet first (though not literally—that’s a bit advanced). And most of the time, she IS going to enjoy herself—and wonder why she waited so long to try it.

Just like mom always said when she set a plate of Brussels sprouts down in front of you, “How are you going to know that you don’t like it unless you try it?” See, those pearls of wisdom are relevant in our BGP lives, even if you rolled your eyes and scoffed at them at the time. Like Tracy, a mom of seven recently said: “I tried anal once, hated it, will never do it again. But at least I can say I tried it.” Which brings up the final law of anal sex:

Thou shalt make every effort, on behalf of thine self and the self of thine partner, to enjoy the buttsex.

And that’s the whole point of experimenting with your partner (especially after marriage, children, double mortgages, in-laws, etc.): to find what you like, what works for you, and to keep you happily engaged with your partner. If anal doesn’t do that for you, then throw the idea out the window (but keep the lube; it’ll come in handy later) and keep looking for other things that rev your engines up.

But if you are looking to join the ranks of “Moms Who Like and Possibly Love Anal,” did I mention that you need to get some lube? Okay, good—just checking.

And guys? You seriously owe me one.


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