Sex and the Suburbs: The Demystification of the Suburban Mother-Goddess Archetype

Ask anyone who’s never been married or hasn’t partaken in the pleasure of planetary repopulation, and they’re sure to tell you grandiose tales of The Death of Sex. At best, they’ll tell you that whatever evidentiary shreds of sex that do remain are:
- boring
- routine
- mundane
- a deathly dirge of non-delight

Hell, some of ‘em will tell you that you may as well take all your sexual fantasies, hopes, and dreams, and reassemble them into a funeral pyre, so that, if nothing else, the resulting heat of your bitterness will keep you warm through all the lonely, loveless nights of the rest of your life.

It’s a billion-dollar industry—the myth of the sexless marriage; countless comedians, sitcom writers, booksellers, and crinkle-browed philosophers have amassed small fortunes on your perceived sexlessness. And the cliché is alive and well today; just watch any movie in which the male lead is getting married, and you’ll find at least 16 jokes and/or ruminations about how he is never going to have sex again.

Have you heard this one?

Dude # 1: Why does a bride smile so much on her wedding day?
Dude # 2: Why?
Dude # 1: Because she knows she never has to give another blowjob!

If that were true, the divorce rate would be 100%. Sure, maybe we don’t give as many hummers as we used to, but we don’t become sexless lunch-making, diaper-changing robots. So please, for the love of all that is good—and sticky and wet—STFU. Sure, back in the day when sex was mostly done for procreation and procreation only (dating back approximately to the pre-Stone Ages)—when women didn’t even know what a vibrator was—maybe that was true. But now, as we get ready to close the door on the first decade of the new millennium, we’ve learned that sex is more than a mechanical act resulting in the fertilization of an egg—and there are so many ways to enjoy it, prolong it, and amp it up—ad infinitum. So if you’re suffering from a little sex slump with your partner, why not do a little...experimenting?

It happens to almost every couple (you know, except for those ones you saw getting it on out in the open at the Jimmy Buffet concert last week)—sex becomes a little routine. Maybe it’s not lasting as long as it used to, or maybe it’s turning into more of a chore than something you both look forward to. For some couples, sex naturally peters out after children come along, from a combination of stress, lack of energy and getting older (and all the things that happen to our bodies as we get older—you know, certain things sag and other things can’t seem to rise to the occasion, certain parts jiggle or slap you in the face that didn’t previously).

Melissa, a 30-year-old married mom of two, says, “We don’t experiment as often as we’d like, but you get stuck in a rut that you find pleasing and don’t want to ‘ruin a good thing.’” Which I think is how a lot of couples feel. But there comes that certain point when one or the other is ready to explore new waters and kick the titillation up a notch by trying something you haven’t tried before. Nowadays, there is no shortage of ideas for spicing things up in the boudoir. And just because now we have kids and houses and are all groweds up, doesn’t mean that we can’t give some of them a shot—you might just start putting sex high on the priority list again, above even American Idol and a good glass of wine.

Okay—hang tight a sec before you run out for some anal beads and a sex swing. Let’s talk this through a little, mmkay? There are a few things you need to do before you stitch yourself into that pink PVC catsuit.

First of all, make sure that your partner is into it before going any further. Nobody wants to be surprised by the crisp THWACK! of a paddle whacking them on the keister, or having something thrust into an orifice without advance warning.

Start by having an open discussion with your partner, and negotiate the new things you are going to start introducing to the roster. Just because you have always wanted to dress up like Lou Gossett Jr. from An Officer and a Gentleman and scream at him “DO ME HARD OR DROP AND GIVE ME 20!” doesn’t mean that he’s going to be crazy about the idea. Just like you may not be completely on board with all the things that he wants to try. But if you both remain honest with each other and open-minded, you might just be able to hammer out a little fantastical common ground on which to explore.

In my humble opinion, sex toys are a great place to start. A little buzz, hum, thrum, or any new sensation can go a very long way. Something as simple as a pocket rocket or bullet vibrator is an easy way to heat things up, and your partner may really enjoy using it on you—or watching you use it on yourself. As you find what you like (and don’t like—maybe the huge, rotating one didn’t do it for you, but the little pink waterproof one with the butterfly gets your motor running), you can make more educated purchases. Before you know, it you’ll find yourself, ahem, researching cock rings and double-penetration dildos. Not all sex toys are for everyone, but the right one can certainly turn a humdrum quickie into an orgasm-fest. Start by pulling your laptop—and your partner—into the bedroom for a little sex toy browse-a-thon, and point out what you think looks “interesting” (i.e., toys you think might make you scream in ecstasy—or your partner).

Now is the time to think outside the box, and, if you and your partner are on the same page, let your fantasies run wild. There’s a world of toys out there—find the ones that are right for you and your partner. And don’t forget that you both possess the best sex toys you’ll ever need: your brains.

So dream a little dream...and then make ‘em come true.

Remember—sex toys and other enhancements are just one way to make things a little more like Real Sex and less like Antiques Road Show. So get your Masters & Johnsons on—especially if it involves multiple orgasms.

What? It’s all in the name of science…