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Sex and Anger, Part 2

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Last month, we looked at how both acting out or suppressing anger can lead to angry sex or no sex at all. Today we delve into anger management. By learning to channel "darker" emotions in a positive way, you can actually boost intimacy and sexual response.

  Let Anger Management Improve Your Sex Life

Unfortunately, few of us know healthy ways to express our anger. Instead we learn to either control our anger or act it out. Both are dangerous. Controlling your anger can lead to depression, cancer, heart disease and other maladies. Acting out your anger actually compounds rather than relieves anger, to the detriment of both you and the ones you love.

Rather than suppress anger or act out—if you can learn to manage it, you can actually enhance your sex life. But many people find it difficult to believe that techniques devoid of eroticism can lead to better sex. Often this is due to the fact that we tend to see ourselves as a collection of parts rather than as a whole being. In reality, our emotions are tied to our sexuality in ways that can be mystifying.

Why Anger Management?

1. Suppressed anger leads to depression. Depression decreases sexual desire. Anti-depressants can inhibit sexual response. In some cases, anger management can eliminate depression and the need for anti-depressants. (Some depression is caused by chemical imbalances. You should check with your doctor before reducing or discontinuing any medication.)

2. The inability to express anger in a healthy fashion makes it difficult to express other emotions such as sexual joy. Anger management can restore your full expressive range of emotions including sexual joy.

3. Anger Management teaches assertion skills, which in turn, create emotional safety. Emotional safety allows you to experience pleasure more deeply.

4. Some rage is expressed through sexual dysfunction, which can manifest as inability to orgasm or female ejaculate, as well as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Anger management provides a healthy outlet for anger and rage, providing fuller access to sexual response. (Sexual dysfunction can result from health issues, such as diabetes or smoking so always check with your health care provider to rule these out.)

5. Anger management provides tools for sharing feelings and solving interpersonal difficulties. Shared feelings and agreements with your partner can create increased sexual desire for your partner.

  Seven Steps Toward Anger Management

Dealing with emotions is an excellent way to improve sex and since anger is one of the more taboo emotions, I encourage you to develop the tools that will provide you with a healthy connection and expression of your anger. Try it. You may improve your sex life in ways you never imagined. Here's how to get started:

1. Breathe. When you feel anger, breathe into it and notice the physical symptoms such as tightening muscles or a hot feeling in your arms, fists, etc.

2. While you continue to breathe deeply, ask yourself what thoughts are creating the angry feelings.

3. Change your self-talk to something more positive.

4. Experience empathy for yourself and the person(s) you are angry with.

5. If your anger is verging upon rage you may choose to take a time-out.

6. Depending upon what is triggering your anger, you may wish to assert a boundary or ask for what you need in the moment.

7. Take full responsibility for your emotions and the expression of those emotions. Having an uncooperative partner is NEVER justification for acting anger out.

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