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The Bloggess: Vampire. Dildo.

The Bloggess: Vampire. Dildo.
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Yeah. We just went there.

  all the man-meat she needs

This week, I promised to write about the same thing but from a male perspective: “Is my girl a bisexual, and if she isn’t, how can I make her one?“ Here’s the short answer. You can’t. If she’s bi, you’d probably know it because during oral she’d be all, “My God, man! You are rubbish at this. Are you even trying? I’m calling Linda to give you lessons.” And yes, you will jump at this because you think that it’s going to be all hot to watch - but it’s not, because Linda wants to get back together with your girlfriend and she will be judging you. Harshly. Also, she’s going to bring over a collection of ginormous dildos that will make you feel utterly insignificant and eventually you’ll end up in the living room watching Deadliest Catch with the volume up way too loud to try to drown out the sounds of Linda telling your probably-now-ex-girlfriend how she’s more of a man than you’ll ever be while your girl makes noises you’ve never even heard before. Is that what you want? No. I’ll answer for you. It isn’t.

And I know what you’re thinking now. You’re thinking, “My girl would never leave me for a chick. I’m all the man-meat she needs”, and ew. Never say “man-meat” to me again. Seriously, you sound like a douche. I know you think you have her wrapped around your little finger but go right now and look at a photo of a naked dude. Would you do that dude if you had the chance to do a naked chick instead? Probably not, right? In fact, many of you are gagging a little right now at just the thought. But here’s the thing…your girl makes that choice EVERY DAY. And she chose you. So maybe instead of badgering her into a three-way, you need to be down on your knees with tulips, showering her with gratitude for wanting to do you in spite of the fact that Linda is right down the road with her enormous suitcase of dildos just waiting for you to muck it all up. In fact, she probably even has the Twilight vampire dildo, which is just plain wrong.





Basically it’s a cold, sparkly, pink penis. “Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” The authentic experience of sex with a dead guy, apparently. Wow. Now I’m so distracted by the corpse penis that I can’t even remember what this article was about and I’m the one writing it. Was it something about sex with office supplies or something? Because I don’t really have an opinion on that.

PS. HOLY CRAP, Y’ALL. Actual review of The Vamp dildo.

Review by Maggie: OMG! I LOVE the Twilight Series so much! This dildo is great because one minute I shut my eyes and pretend I am screwing Edward with his cold, sparkling, marble cock; then the next, I warm it up and pretend Jacob is doing me from behind [you know, DOGGY STYLE! LOLZ!!!] I have multiples because sometimes I like to pretend they are both ravishing my body at the same time. Also, I like to tie them to my cats and pretend they are were-vamp-kitties! I just wish a balls were included with the shaft, so that Edward and Jacob could take turns tea-bagging me...another good idea is to hold your hand in ice water for a bit, and then you can act like Edward is giving you a donkey punch as well!

I couldn’t make this shit up, people.

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Comments

Sera  

I couldn't find Maggie's review anywhere. You DID make it up!

10/28/2010

That is taking twilight to a whole new level, and I think you may have just ruined breaking dawn for me... Thanks lol

02/11/2012

another reason I hate twilight.

05/06/2012
Stephanie0  

These toys are getting better every year. You can not go past a rabbit Just a heads up, if your man is away a lot and you don’t wan them straying away then you should check this out for him. They wont need to look anywhere else. [http://realtouchreviewed.org/]

Jan 14, 9:07 am

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Vampire dildo [4] Nov.03, 2009
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