Today I decided to do an easy one: The Top Things that Freak Him Out on the First Date
“EASY,” I thought to myself. In fact, almost too easy. I suspected it was some sort of trick question but I decided to trust myself and write this damn article with no hints. So here goes:
The Top Things That Freak a Guy Out on the First Date:
1) Clowns.
2) Drowning.
3) Drowning in clowns.
4) Having sex with a drowning clown.
5) Picture this…you’re with a girl you’ve just met and you’re falling into bed and suddenly she turns into a Frankenstein. Or possibly something that looks like Cthulhu pops out of her vagina and she screams “SWEET HELL BUISCUITS, I AM THE GODDESS OF SATAN’S TOMB” and then she bites your junk off with her monster vagina. Granted, it’s rare, but it’s still pretty damn scary.
6) Having sex with that three-boobed girl from Total Recall and then realizing that the third boob is some sort of contagious growth and then suddenly you grow an enormous third testicle that’s so big you have to carry it around in a wheelbarrow.
7) Farting during sex. And having that fart catch fire. And having the fire spread to your pubic hair. And having to run out of the room with your junk on fire while yelling for your mom who then stomps out the fire because she never learned that stop-drop-and-roll is the better way to deal with a junk fire.
8) Being murdered while giving a speech in public.
9) Making out with a hot girl and then finding out it’s actually your brother.
10) Commitment.
PS. I just went back and looked at the things on Cosmo’s list and they don’t even mention clowns or junk fires. WTF, Cosmo? Get it together.
“EASY,” I thought to myself. In fact, almost too easy. I suspected it was some sort of trick question but I decided to trust myself and write this damn article with no hints. So here goes:
The Top Things That Freak a Guy Out on the First Date:
1) Clowns.
2) Drowning.
3) Drowning in clowns.
4) Having sex with a drowning clown.
5) Picture this…you’re with a girl you’ve just met and you’re falling into bed and suddenly she turns into a Frankenstein. Or possibly something that looks like Cthulhu pops out of her vagina and she screams “SWEET HELL BUISCUITS, I AM THE GODDESS OF SATAN’S TOMB” and then she bites your junk off with her monster vagina. Granted, it’s rare, but it’s still pretty damn scary.
6) Having sex with that three-boobed girl from Total Recall and then realizing that the third boob is some sort of contagious growth and then suddenly you grow an enormous third testicle that’s so big you have to carry it around in a wheelbarrow.
7) Farting during sex. And having that fart catch fire. And having the fire spread to your pubic hair. And having to run out of the room with your junk on fire while yelling for your mom who then stomps out the fire because she never learned that stop-drop-and-roll is the better way to deal with a junk fire.
8) Being murdered while giving a speech in public.
9) Making out with a hot girl and then finding out it’s actually your brother.
10) Commitment.
PS. I just went back and looked at the things on Cosmo’s list and they don’t even mention clowns or junk fires. WTF, Cosmo? Get it together.
"SWEET HELL BISCUITS, I AM THE GODDESS OF SATAN’S TOMB"
...I am so using this the next time I need to throw the fear of God into the kids at work.
Junk fires: the leading cause of erectile dysfunction.
Haha, really liked this piece.
Testicular swelling is no laughing matter. Well, it is, but its a serious medical issue. A funny medical issue. But a serious one. Seriously, funny.
omg I laughed so hard it hurt!!! excellent post haha
You didn't mention babies with pins in their eyes. That's scary too... right? I mean, on a first date and all. OK, it's not as scary as drowning in clowns or having your clothes catch fire while you're still wearing them... but still, pretty damn scary.
Great post by the way. I loved it!
I laughed during this entire post! They failed to mention tar, imagine being tarred by the woman you thought was going to just mount you..pure evil! lol
Both my guys admit that this list is the one reason they love polyamory and leaving the "dating" scene...especially the Sweet Hell Biscuits thing...
i love this post!!!
This just made my night.
I have a feeling Cosmo can't even touch you... even with a 9 inch clown. So... here is my idea: I know your husband hates clowns, I know you like to decorate dildos. So, with that being said I say you make a clown dildo, get all hot in bed, suggest using a toy and whip out the clown dildo!... no?
LOL. Brilliant!
awesome
LOL..You are such an amazing blogger..Im still laughing...