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Sex “Don’ts” for the New Year

Sex “Don’ts” for the New Year
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Welcome to 2011! Do you have a long New Year’s resolution list? Lose weight, get in shape, save money, have more sex, switch political parties, move to Canada or perhaps give Kim Jong-il a sexy tickle until his wiki leaks?

  Regarding Names ...

If you’re bad with names, don’t call out any during sex. It’s likely to get you into trouble. Sex partners tend to be hypersensitive to being called other people’s names, especially the names of ex’s (both yours and theirs), as well as either your relatives or pets. When in doubt, acknowledge them with saucy terms of endearment such as stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such.

* If your lover never calls you by your name, instead always calling you stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such, don’t ask them to say your real name during sex. Awkward times 10.

* Don’t call out “Who’s your Daddy?” in the voice of Elmer Fudd, or Darth Vader.

* Don’t respond to impassioned sexual requests by saying: “Yes, Lord Vader.”

  Also Resolve Never To:

* Die during sex. It’s rude and think of the poor person who will have to tell your mom.

* Play dead while hoping your partner will go away.

* Put on a clown costume, unannounced and without prior agreement.

* Check other people’s Tweets or FaceBook status.

* Forget that you’re having sex and start doing something else, like watching the game on TV.

* Protest the lousy call that the referee or umpire made during the game on TV, no matter how blind and stupid the official may have been.

* Ask your lover how you compare to their exes or other lovers.

* Forget to wash your hands after handling spicy foods or hot muscle ointments.

* Launch a surprise backdoor invasion. If you’re prone to this, give up sex and take up a hobby that doesn’t require lube or consent, such as terrorism or illegal invasions of foreign countries.

* Discuss your history of therapy, abuse, bad breakups, recovery programs, stalking or being stalked.

  Finally , Also Promise that You Will Refrain from ...

* Drawing dotted butcher lines on a lover’s skin with a Sharpie.

* Discussing previously undisclosed STIs or other communicable diseases.

* Dismissing any comments about sores and unusual discharges in your genitals.

* Laughing at a lover, rather than with them.

If you can manage to not do most of these, you can congratulate yourself for being … um … well, we’ll think of something. Hooray for cheap validation!

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Comments

Some good words to live by, haha so funny.

01/03/2011
leasea  

Remember to wear gloves if you're cooking with a very spicy pepper, such as a habanero; washing hands with soap and water may not eliminate all the fiery oils. Even if you can't feel a burn on your fingers, it doesn't mean she or he won't.

01/03/2011
Kelly Smith  

Don’t call out “Who’s your Daddy?” in the voice of Elmer Fudd, or Darth Vader.
---Personally, I would include Roger Rabbit here. The stutter (Who's your D-D-D-D-D-addy!) would just not be that endearing in the heat of the moment. ;-)

01/03/2011

Wow. This is good. Had me laughing for a while. I didn't think anybody really did things like that though. Haha.

01/07/2011

Aww, Kelly but Roger Rabbit's so cute. And imagining me as that sexy hot mama Jessica.

01/07/2011

I could totally deal with the Darth Vader "whos your daddy" Although to be taken seriously he would have to ask "who is your father".
I might reply, I dunno my mom murdered him when I was a baby. It never really happened, but it would be fun to see the look on the guys face.

01/07/2011
Airekah  

01/17/2011
jdloelo  

OMG too funny. Thanks for the laugh!

02/10/2011

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