“Your son is fine but he is in trouble,” the man said. “He used bad language and if it continues, we’ll have to ask you to not bring him back to camp.” Being deeply annoyed with my son, who knows better, I kept my cool as I got to the bottom of whatever Little Boy With Big Mouth said. Over the weekend, we had the requisite chats about good camp choices, words and all.
Sex education was the furthest thang from our minds.
Until Monday morning, when I saw the director to find out the exact verbal transgressions of one precocious fourth grader who’d had the fear of the language police sitting on his shoulder like a red little devil.
“Your son got in trouble for Bad Talk.” He said.
What exactly was Bad Talk? Because if he meant back talk, I could indeed see my son having that sort of chutzpah - not exactly something you want to press out of a natural born leader, but certainly behavior that needed parental guidance.
The counselor insisted it was Bad Talk, and only from his sideways glance did it register.
Sex education was on his mind.
That’s when the story came out, along with my boiled bunny. My 10-year-old overheard an older boy state that he was praying for his mom and dad to have another baby.
To which my smarty-pants son replied, “Babies come from moms and dads. Your mom and dad make them.”
No mention of the dreaded S-E-X word was made, nor any specifics of how would-be parents created little wonders (with legitimate Bad Talk spicing up the act. But I digress).
I looked at the camp director in disbelief. (Why, in the 21st century, do we still have to protest this shit?) With the amount of sexy going all across the media in the faces of our children, why are we so uncomfortable when they are informed about the biology of our bodies, the joys of sexuality, or the miracle of creation?
It was a learning moment for me. The man in front of me was a person with some authority in the community. The gentle side of my Inner Bitch took over.
“My son has asked about sex and gotten straight answers about how babies are made,” I said. “You see, we are past the biology stuff, naming his body parts and all that.”
There was no stopping girrrrllll now.
“We are now talking about things like mutual respect and pleasure, and sex is how grownups show their love and affection for one another. He knows this is something that adults do and that sex is how we play together when we love one another.”
She was on a ggrrrrrrroll.
“He knows making love is sacred, and that God made our bodies to make babies, and that sex isn’t just for making babies. We’ve talked about No means No, and that he mustn’t force himself on someone, and that someday soon puberty’s going hit, and his body is going to change, and he can always ask me anything he wants about what’s going on.”
I may have gone a tad bit over the top. Just sayin'.
I saw a bit of the fear of the female face of God in the camp director’s face. “I know and I agree with you,” he said. “It’s just that some of the families here are very conservative and don’t want their kids to know about that.”
“Sir, if they don’t let their kids know by age 8 what’s going on, someone else will make sure they know by age 10. My children are educated. I won’t apologize for that. Nor will I make my son feel bad for knowing what he knows, nor ask him to act dumb when he knows better.”
With that, the conversation was over, but not my reflections on the state of sex education in our society.
How do we navigate these treacherous times for vaginas and uteri? It seems to me that the movement to limit women’s reproductive rights coincides with the dismal lack of agreement on what our kids should know and when they should know it. Ask the child development experts and the consensus is clear – age appropriate means starting early and chatting often so that kids are empowered to take tender loving care of themselves. The resistance to meaningful shifts in how we teach sex comes fast and furious, often from the same camp that prefers women pregnant and in front of an oven, doped out from the fear of a vengeful, sex-shaming creator.
Excuse me if I just point out that if you believe in an omniscient, all knowing and powerful God, then how in tarnation's name did the devil slap on the genitals behind the Good Ol’ Mighty’s back? (I know, I know, me hearith the protests now. Logic doesn’t go over so well with tales of temptation and damnation. But I digress again).
Parents who refuse to have The Talk often and early are missing the chance to gauge what’s going on in their kids’ minds, sexually speaking. And a LOT is going on. With one of each, I know it’s not just little boys who are curious. My preschool daughter is equally equipped to throw me off my mommy game with her inquisitiveness.
What’s a sex-educating mother to do?
Given the widespread immaturity on the topic, I gladly face my own raw edges to make sure my children are informed ahead of the curve. It’s a balancing act between advocating for them and keeping misinformation and fear from tarnishing their sexual and emotional development. I am a parent. I can’t stick my head in the dark ages when tempted by my own hang-ups or those of a timid, moralistic or archaic worldview.
This much I know: when we hide information from our youth and emerging adults, they sniff it out like bloodhounds. When we allow our private fears about their developing selves to mute our minds, they lose trust in us. The vacuum left from the absence of mom and dad showing up to guide them along nature’s path is filled by ideas and images that have no business near our kids’ biz.
What angers me most is the Specter of shame. I spent years pushing mine back from whence it came – puritanical attitudes entrenched in American society – and it breaks my heart to see it perpetuated with the same bully force on today’s children.
Not on my watch.
Inner Bitch sees to that.
Sex education was the furthest thang from our minds.
Until Monday morning, when I saw the director to find out the exact verbal transgressions of one precocious fourth grader who’d had the fear of the language police sitting on his shoulder like a red little devil.
“Your son got in trouble for Bad Talk.” He said.
What exactly was Bad Talk? Because if he meant back talk, I could indeed see my son having that sort of chutzpah - not exactly something you want to press out of a natural born leader, but certainly behavior that needed parental guidance.
The counselor insisted it was Bad Talk, and only from his sideways glance did it register.
Sex education was on his mind.
That’s when the story came out, along with my boiled bunny. My 10-year-old overheard an older boy state that he was praying for his mom and dad to have another baby.
To which my smarty-pants son replied, “Babies come from moms and dads. Your mom and dad make them.”
No mention of the dreaded S-E-X word was made, nor any specifics of how would-be parents created little wonders (with legitimate Bad Talk spicing up the act. But I digress).
I looked at the camp director in disbelief. (Why, in the 21st century, do we still have to protest this shit?) With the amount of sexy going all across the media in the faces of our children, why are we so uncomfortable when they are informed about the biology of our bodies, the joys of sexuality, or the miracle of creation?
It was a learning moment for me. The man in front of me was a person with some authority in the community. The gentle side of my Inner Bitch took over.
“My son has asked about sex and gotten straight answers about how babies are made,” I said. “You see, we are past the biology stuff, naming his body parts and all that.”
There was no stopping girrrrllll now.
“We are now talking about things like mutual respect and pleasure, and sex is how grownups show their love and affection for one another. He knows this is something that adults do and that sex is how we play together when we love one another.”
She was on a ggrrrrrrroll.
“He knows making love is sacred, and that God made our bodies to make babies, and that sex isn’t just for making babies. We’ve talked about No means No, and that he mustn’t force himself on someone, and that someday soon puberty’s going hit, and his body is going to change, and he can always ask me anything he wants about what’s going on.”
I may have gone a tad bit over the top. Just sayin'.
I saw a bit of the fear of the female face of God in the camp director’s face. “I know and I agree with you,” he said. “It’s just that some of the families here are very conservative and don’t want their kids to know about that.”
“Sir, if they don’t let their kids know by age 8 what’s going on, someone else will make sure they know by age 10. My children are educated. I won’t apologize for that. Nor will I make my son feel bad for knowing what he knows, nor ask him to act dumb when he knows better.”
With that, the conversation was over, but not my reflections on the state of sex education in our society.
How do we navigate these treacherous times for vaginas and uteri? It seems to me that the movement to limit women’s reproductive rights coincides with the dismal lack of agreement on what our kids should know and when they should know it. Ask the child development experts and the consensus is clear – age appropriate means starting early and chatting often so that kids are empowered to take tender loving care of themselves. The resistance to meaningful shifts in how we teach sex comes fast and furious, often from the same camp that prefers women pregnant and in front of an oven, doped out from the fear of a vengeful, sex-shaming creator.
Excuse me if I just point out that if you believe in an omniscient, all knowing and powerful God, then how in tarnation's name did the devil slap on the genitals behind the Good Ol’ Mighty’s back? (I know, I know, me hearith the protests now. Logic doesn’t go over so well with tales of temptation and damnation. But I digress again).
Parents who refuse to have The Talk often and early are missing the chance to gauge what’s going on in their kids’ minds, sexually speaking. And a LOT is going on. With one of each, I know it’s not just little boys who are curious. My preschool daughter is equally equipped to throw me off my mommy game with her inquisitiveness.
What’s a sex-educating mother to do?
Given the widespread immaturity on the topic, I gladly face my own raw edges to make sure my children are informed ahead of the curve. It’s a balancing act between advocating for them and keeping misinformation and fear from tarnishing their sexual and emotional development. I am a parent. I can’t stick my head in the dark ages when tempted by my own hang-ups or those of a timid, moralistic or archaic worldview.
This much I know: when we hide information from our youth and emerging adults, they sniff it out like bloodhounds. When we allow our private fears about their developing selves to mute our minds, they lose trust in us. The vacuum left from the absence of mom and dad showing up to guide them along nature’s path is filled by ideas and images that have no business near our kids’ biz.
What angers me most is the Specter of shame. I spent years pushing mine back from whence it came – puritanical attitudes entrenched in American society – and it breaks my heart to see it perpetuated with the same bully force on today’s children.
Not on my watch.
Inner Bitch sees to that.
High five. I couldn't agree more.
I'm a conservative mom that believes in an omniscient God, but, I fully agree that there is too much shame around sex and the sex education in this country is seriously lacking. I do my best not to shame my kids and answer any questions they have about their bodies. When it comes time for sex ed (they're still very young), I'll make sure I fully answer anything they ask. When the time comes, they'll know all about safe sex practices and the physical AND emotional sides of sex.
I have always felt that sex education in America is silly and counter intuitive in the extreme...it's damn near criminal neglaect and we can wander through any middle to high school and see the results (unless the community shames the mothers to be and hides them away...). This was a silly reprimand, who says we always have to cater to the idiots in the room? What about catering to the less "conservative" parents???
Hi Airen,
I agree - we do cater to the most restrictive views about sex (and just about everything). What happens to majority rules (never mind common sense).
Either way, I do appreciate the support from readers like you.
Kudos, Tinamarie, for advocating for clear and appropriate sex education for our kids from responsible parents who care and deliver the information our kids want, need and should be encouraged to seek. What a marvelous example you've set for your children by making no excuses about educating them and no apologies for them being smart, confident and well-adjusted instead of playing dumb in order to follow others' viewpoints. Having a parent stand up for a child's intelligence and point of view is such a gift toward building character and "chutzpah" like you said!
My mom has been straight with me whenever I asked something. When I was little and asked "where do babies come from?" she told me that when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they have a baby. that satisfied me, and that's what I'm going to tell my children at that age. After that, I was play at the park with another little girl, and I don't remember but apparently that became a topic between us, I told her what my mom said. She went, told her mom, and her mom stormed over to mine and asked what my mom was teaching me. When my mom said the truth, she asked "What are you teaching your kid." she said "I tell MY children that babies come from the stork, that's better than what you told YOUR daughter." Hearing this now, it makes me mad, and wonder "Wow, what did you tell her when they had sex ed in class?"
@Jay Baby - and we wonder why there's so much confusion going on....wow.
@deb - thank you!!!!!!
I know, some parents aren't somewhat truthful, it makes me wonder...what do you tell them about other things? like drugs or alcohol? I think the closest thing to the truth is the best you can do for your child. you don't have to give them details, just what will satisfy their curiosity at that time. I feel that if you aren't even partially truthful, you may not have the best relationship with your child because they'll find out how things really work and may feel like they can't trust you to get the truth about something...at least, in my opinion.
I grew up in a home with a father for an artist. The nude female form being his most preferred subject matter. His very very realistic, almost photographic-in-quality, tasteful painting hung on our walls from the day I was born and still do. My friends, male and female, visiting my home throughout my childhood were shocked, amazed, and often awe-struck to actually get to see what the true nude form looked like.
Now-a-days, I have a 17 year old son...from whom the naked form, information about our bodies or sexuality was ever hidden. At 15, he began attending live nude figure drawing classes. Has seen female and male nudes of all ages and forms.
Does that mean I have allowed him to be sexually promiscuous? Not at all. He was not allowed to even consider dating until he was over 16. Why 16? It wasn't a magic number, but rather when his actions finally reflected a level of maturity that showed he could make responsible decisions about relationships.
I don't think there is anything wrong with open communication about our bodies. Really...what is the desired result of hiding our functions, our natural and biological functions from our children? We don't hide other functions! How random and utterly one sided to make one function 'scarier' and 'more taboo' than the others.
Good for you, Tinamarie. Why do we have to cater to the most conservative and restrictive portions of our neighborhoods and towns? Why do the more liberal among us have to "shut up" as to not "offend" those who hide their eyes and ears and put blinders on their children?
Why shouldn't the more liberal among us be catered to about the things that "offend" us? Too effing bad for us, I guess.
You did the right thing. Good job. You son is a lucky boy.
Very well written, TinaMarie! I enjoyed this article very much, and happen to agree with you! Why on earth hide the truth of sex to children? It will only confuse them, and keep them uneducated as to *how* to handle things when the time comes rather than "protect" them. It does not protect them to lie and say kids came from a bird. Lol. I understand not volunteering sex education to a 6 year old, but kids learn quick, and I agree, the parents should be quick to know when to speak of it rather than hope some kid at school educates them. I personally deal with ours in the same way my parents did me -- our youngest boy actually turned 13 yesterday! He's known about sex for some time though.
I asked my parents about sex when I was in the third grade. I was horrified with their answers! I did not want to believe them. Ha Ha. But I applaud them for being so courageous and telling us the truth. We didn't have to wonder or ask other kids or be totally oblivious as to how to take care of ourselves when faced with sex. I have made so sure to be the same with ours. And it has paid off. It also allows a parent and child to have a much closer bond than had they kept sex a hidden secret, even if the child doesn't ever feel comfortable asking questions, you've still broken a little barrier that otherwise would've stayed there forever. In my opinion anyways.
One thing that baffles me -- reading your story brought me back to this confusion yet again in my life -- what gives people the idea that God is opposed to sex? You know, the clitoris is the *only* organ that serves no real function besides those wonderful intense sensations. God had our back when he was giving us that one! God *did* intend for sex to be a pleasurable experience for both women and men, yet most people I've had any contact with seem to believe God intended sex to be only for procreation or only for the male's pleasure! What?! I just hate that people don't always know that sex was intended to benefit, and benefit both parties at that.
Very lovely job! This is the best article I've seen on the topic for as long as I can remember.
BRAVO! More parents like us need to speak up and defend ~real~ education instead of this puritanical conservative ignorance. We are in the new millennium right?
Your story reminds me of when my youngest almost got expelled for saying a boy had a nice 'ass'. When I asked if the principal preferred buttocks, Derrière, or gluteus maximus? The principal said, "No! The whole comment is vulgar and not allowed in school. The coach was very offended."
I asked her what was wrong with my daughter appreciating the body of another, and where in the school rules does it stipulate this? Vulgar language was not spelled out, so I told my daughter it meant curse words and even made her come up with ten alternatives for ever word we could come up with. I didn't think body parts was one of them.
While the principal was contemplating her answer the said coach walked by yelling "Get your ass back here!" at some kid. Then some other office worker said "Nice ass coach. Have you been working out for football season?"
I just looked at the principal and said "Maybe you need to expel your staff before you expect better vocabulary from the children. I think we're done here and I will be writing a letter to the administrator." My daughter was 15, and on that day I decided the powers that be work in mysterious ways.
Next year they had a new principal...the coach.
She wasn't expelled.
[https://mommyish.com/stuff/pornography-392/2/]. Thought of you.
Heeeeeell yes!
Excellent article. thank you.