For so long I hated that I was perceived by everyone to be female—because that wasn’t how I felt. My outside looked female (though I was pretty butch) and I was treated as a woman, but I knew that I was really a man. This gave me super-low self-esteem, and I couldn’t stand being around people or even talking to anyone. I withdrew from society and became a drug addict and alcoholic. I used to cut myself during my crazy drugged-out rages because I hated myself and just wanted to die. In fact, I attempted suicide on more than one occasion.
But I survived, and when I had the opportunity to have my sex change, it was like a whole new life was given to me. It was rebirth at its best! I was determined to become a macho “Tom of Finland” butch, muscular man. I knew the road ahead of me was not going to be easy, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to achieve how I wanted to look. It was scary, but I was so tired of hating myself and hating life. It was really my only option.
The testosterone shots worked pretty fast on me. I started feeling this amazing change in my body, and also in my attitude. Looking back, I’m sure that it was more in my mind than my physical body at first, but that didn’t matter at the time. I just knew I’d made the right choice.
So, off to the gym I went, working out hard and learning from pros on how to do the exercises correctly, right from the start. I did come from an athletic background, so it was pretty easy for me to grab hold of this a run with it.
After a couple of years, I saw big changes in my body. That’s when I decided to get my top surgery, and boy, after that, my life really changed. I now had a man’s chest—something I had always dreamed about since I was a little kid.
Once I’d seen the amazing job my surgeon did for me, I hit the gym hard! I mean hard. I worked my pecs until I no longer saw one ounce of female boobs. After that, I really started feeling like a man, and people were finally interacting with me like I was a man. Wow, I thought, now I must get my cock and the whole world will be mine!
After doing a ton of research on the penis surgery, I decided it was something that was not going to happen for me. The way it looked and functioned just was not what I imagined for myself. I was back to feeling like a total failure as a man. How the fuck could I be a man without my cock? It’s just not the way it’s supposed to be.
Then it happened. I met a woman who said to me: “You are all man to me, and you have lots of cocks that are always ready.”
Holy shit! She was validating me as a man. I did not need the surgery. I can fuck like a man, walk like a man, talk like a man, and I never have to worry about getting an erection! (Well, actually it wasn’t that easy for me to accept, but she did point me in the right direction.)
After some serious thinking and realization that the cock surgery wasn’t happening, I woke up and it was like a light bulb came on. Fuck, I don’t need that cock. I like my vagina. It feels good to get licked and fucked, and I know how to stand up to pee. Who the fuck cares?!
My transition was complete.
Then came the bodybuilding obsession. I must make my body more “manly.” I must get bigger muscles. I know people can see that I used to be female. These are the thoughts that sometimes go through my brain. Believe me, part of me knows that this isn’t true. But it’s this old baggage that I have of wanting to be perfect—of wanting to have a perfect male body.
Is it possible for me to achieve this? Have I achieved this? Well, what is “perfect” anyway? We all know the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” And so is perfection, I guess.
I don’t seem to struggle with my body image every day like I used to, but the issue is still there. Because I am a public figure and basically I get naked for all the world to see, you would’ve “thunk” that I’d get over it. But sometimes I see a photo of my body and I get so freaked out. Not about my pussy, but because I think I see some fat, or maybe my chest looks fucked up, or my arms look too small. This is pretty funny if you think about it. I am perfectly okay with having everyone see my pussy hanging out and watching me getting fucked—like it’s just totally normal for a man to have a pussy. But then I get all upset about my biceps. Fucking brilliant!
Self-esteem and good body image, I think, are some of the hardest things to achieve. Men don’t talk about it as much as women do, but believe me, we have it just as bad!
I hear it and see it all the time in the gym: guys looking at themselves and freaking out on how small they are. On bodybuilding boards the guys talk about the same things girls do, but I think because they are anonymous it’s easier for them to post online, because men are not suppose to give a shit about these things.
I hope my work is helping to give people like me and anyone else who has not felt comfortable in their body, to finally just own it. It’s a super hard thing to do to: become comfortable in your own body. But when you finally do, it’s the most amazing feeling you can ever imagine.
Each time when I struggle with something that I don’t like about my body I just step back and think: Dude, you have a fucking vagina, and you love it. How many men can say that?