STOP. Just stop. Please.
If Fifty Shades is what made you decide you wanted to be a sub, let me ask you this… how would you feel if you ended up in a relationship like Christian and his Mrs. Robinson? One where the sub had no idea what they were getting themselves into, had no real opportunity to give consent, and in the end, was left damaged and violated. Relationships like that are not BDSM. They are abuse.
And it doesn’t just happen to minors; it can happen to adults too. Just like the women in this article that responded to a San Francisco area lawyer’s Craigslist ad, where he was seeking “dominant sex with submissive women.” More than one woman answered, and more than one ended up filing suits that ranged from rape, to forced imprisonment.
The first thing you need to understand is that just because you might like pain during sex doesn’t mean you want BDSM. Pain play and BDSM are two very different, separate things and there is also BDSM role-play.
Pain play is simply incorporating painful elements during foreplay and sex, in order to heighten endorphin levels. There is not necessarily any dominance or submissiveness involved. This only involves elements of the sadomasochism that may be involved in BDSM relationships.
BDSM Role-Play is role-play during sex, where one of you takes the role of Dominant, and the other takes the role of submissive. You aren’t making it a lifestyle; it’s just something you want to try out in the bedroom.
Real BDSM relationships require, well, a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you are a Dom or sub, sadist or masochist, or the queen of kink… you can’t just jump into things. There are limits to be set, safe words to be decided, and above all…. TRUST to be established. It’s not something you can establish in just a ‘fling’.
To be clear, any relationship requires a certain amount of trust, whether it’s a one-night stand, or a marriage. But when you are telling someone that you basically want to surrender your will to them and that you are willing to accept punishment from them for going against the rules, there needs to be some boundaries and rules set. And then you need to have the utmost trust in that person to not take advantage of what you are giving to them. Sure, they may have agreed, or signed your ‘contract’, or whatever… but how do you know they will uphold that? How do you know that you aren’t going to be screaming the safe word over and over again, while they continue doing what they are doing? How do you know that they aren’t going to become emotionally abusive?
When it comes down to it, you really need to take two things into consideration. The first is your safety, and the second is exactly what you really want out of the situation. Because, let’s face it, the chance of you running into a ‘Christian’ on Craigslist is about as high as some guy showing up on your doorstep with a glass slipper that you left behind when you fled the ball. ‘Fifty Shades’ is to BDSM, as Disney fairy tales are to everyday relationships (Or as my husband says… “It’s like watching Star Wars, and then thinking you’re a Jedi”). It’s a fictional story or something to fantasize about, if you’re into that sort of thing. But in real life, there is a lot more that needs to go into it, and if you don’t take precautions, you’ll be the one that ends up fifty shades of fucked up.
If Fifty Shades is what made you decide you wanted to be a sub, let me ask you this… how would you feel if you ended up in a relationship like Christian and his Mrs. Robinson? One where the sub had no idea what they were getting themselves into, had no real opportunity to give consent, and in the end, was left damaged and violated. Relationships like that are not BDSM. They are abuse.
And it doesn’t just happen to minors; it can happen to adults too. Just like the women in this article that responded to a San Francisco area lawyer’s Craigslist ad, where he was seeking “dominant sex with submissive women.” More than one woman answered, and more than one ended up filing suits that ranged from rape, to forced imprisonment.
The first thing you need to understand is that just because you might like pain during sex doesn’t mean you want BDSM. Pain play and BDSM are two very different, separate things and there is also BDSM role-play.
Pain play is simply incorporating painful elements during foreplay and sex, in order to heighten endorphin levels. There is not necessarily any dominance or submissiveness involved. This only involves elements of the sadomasochism that may be involved in BDSM relationships.
BDSM Role-Play is role-play during sex, where one of you takes the role of Dominant, and the other takes the role of submissive. You aren’t making it a lifestyle; it’s just something you want to try out in the bedroom.
Real BDSM relationships require, well, a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you are a Dom or sub, sadist or masochist, or the queen of kink… you can’t just jump into things. There are limits to be set, safe words to be decided, and above all…. TRUST to be established. It’s not something you can establish in just a ‘fling’.
To be clear, any relationship requires a certain amount of trust, whether it’s a one-night stand, or a marriage. But when you are telling someone that you basically want to surrender your will to them and that you are willing to accept punishment from them for going against the rules, there needs to be some boundaries and rules set. And then you need to have the utmost trust in that person to not take advantage of what you are giving to them. Sure, they may have agreed, or signed your ‘contract’, or whatever… but how do you know they will uphold that? How do you know that you aren’t going to be screaming the safe word over and over again, while they continue doing what they are doing? How do you know that they aren’t going to become emotionally abusive?
When it comes down to it, you really need to take two things into consideration. The first is your safety, and the second is exactly what you really want out of the situation. Because, let’s face it, the chance of you running into a ‘Christian’ on Craigslist is about as high as some guy showing up on your doorstep with a glass slipper that you left behind when you fled the ball. ‘Fifty Shades’ is to BDSM, as Disney fairy tales are to everyday relationships (Or as my husband says… “It’s like watching Star Wars, and then thinking you’re a Jedi”). It’s a fictional story or something to fantasize about, if you’re into that sort of thing. But in real life, there is a lot more that needs to go into it, and if you don’t take precautions, you’ll be the one that ends up fifty shades of fucked up.
Thank you for writing this! I am so fed up with the 50 Shades of Grey craze and how it is really getting people into this lifestyle when they really don't have a clue about how it really works. They are only putting themselves into danger. I wish more people would actually research BDSM from an actual reliable resource unlike those terribly written books.
100% agreed!!! Have I dabbled in this lifestyle? Absolutely. But it's always been within the realms of a RELATIONSHIP with someone I knew and knew would respect my right to say "no" at any point in time. Guess what? Those people aren't trolling around Craigslist looking for a safe BDSM relationship. They are looking for victims. Plain and simple.
I have to agree with the above comments and say thank you as well! When I heard about women posting classified ads advertising that they were willing subs, I was disgusted. I'm so sick of people saying they want to try BDSM because of these books. I'm so glad you wrote this.
Just the picture was disturbing!
Hopefully it was enough to make someone think twice about their safety Kindled Fuego!
Amen!
THANK YOU!!!!!! The BDSM lifestyle isn't a game that you wake up one day wanting to play at. I have never read any of the 50 shade books and I never will, to think people actually make their life decisions based on a book is outrageous. I'm not 24/7 into BDSM, I went to a BDSM party once and I had a bad feeling about it so I left and never went back. There have only been 3 men in my sexual life who I have trusted enough to lay hands on me and only 1 that is allowed to do breath play with me. There's no way that I could give my life over to anybody 24/7 I have to have some me time to do my own thing.
While I have read all 3 of the 50 Shades books and am happy that the "theme" is so well received in the mainstream world, I also kept in mind that these books were for pure entertainment. Most "bored housewives" take this story as "gospel". I do live the D/s life 24/7 and as a sub it upsets me that many women (or men for that matter) will try to get into this lifestyle and get hurt. There are protocols to follow, rules to establish, trust to build & common sense/safety to follow through with. Not to mention 50 Shades was poorly written...LOL. I think as long as people remember this is only a STORY then they should be okay. It is entertainment, nothing more, nothing less.
i agree, i read all three books and while i enjoyed the story, i was not ready to jump into the lifestyle by any means, unfortunately too many people are looking for something without knowing what that might be and they read these books and think that's what they need. so sad. it was an entertaining story, poorly written, but just a story. thanks for your post.
I love this so much.
Very well said!
I completely agree. I too read all 3 books and while I did enjoy them, I also felt they were very poorly written and repetitive. I really wish people would understand that things like that are strictly entertainment. Why someone would resort to craigslist looking for a BDSM relationship is beyond me especially when they probably know nothing about it in a real life setting.
I also read FSoG books, but I found them a love story with some kinkery... she makes him leave his lifestyle and in the end he is the one doing what she wants... but leaving the books aside, I have the big question of why a woman want to sub and if she agree to sub why she disobey the rules to get punished...
Great thoughts. Many people don't know the difference between pure fantasy and reality. There are plenty of things I fantasize about, but know the reality of it isn't possible ir would need to be modified to be safe. I'm not sure I'd go so far to say Fifty Shades is even a fictionalized version of BDSM. It wasn't portrayed in a flattering or realistic manner. It was sex with light elements of BDSM involved. It was frustrating to read because of how it was classified and how it would be received by people. It does good for getting people to explore their sexuality, but they want to jump in without assessing risk or, like you've mentioned, establishing trust.
I read the fifty shades series and while I have to say I greatly enjoy the books I don't plan on trying to find myself a Dom and jump into a lifestyle I don't completely understand. For those who live the Dom/Sub lifestyle... all the power to you cause I could never let someone control me and or control someone, but what I have to say is that the book did give me ideas on how to open up sexually and try new things. For someone who lives a rather "vanilla" lifestyle, this book helped me get a different perspective on sex. For those who have not yet read or refuse to read the book due to the crazy amount of people who are having "life changing" moments. Don't shut it down completely, it's actually very insightful
Fifty Shades of Grey... Yep, Read it. Read them all. Having dabbled a little before I read them, I knew that I was never going to turn into someone's willing love slave. Sure, I like a little pain with my pleasure at times. Sure, I have nights when I want my lover to be in charge, to be bossy, to manhandle me a bit. At the end of the day, though; It occurred to me that while I have always thought I wasn't into power games, D/s, bondage, and the like, what it is is that I am not submissive. At all. I realized that while the "kinky fuckery" in the books turned me on, I want to be the one with the upper hand. I want to be the one giving a submissive person the guidelines, rules, discipline they so crave. Do I feel like stalking, mind games, and psychological abuse are a big part of that? Not in my house. I feel that a healthy BDSM relationship can be had with very little of that if any at all. There is a difference between the types of humiliation some people enjoy in a scene and actual abuse. I would advise anyone just sticking their toes in the waters of the kinky pool to find someone in their local leather community who they can talk to and come to trust before they begin seeking out an actual play partner. A kinky mentor if you will. Join some groups online or in person. Read about safety, how to stay mentally, and physically healthy within the context of BDSM, and remember that submissives are just as valuable as human beings in general and within the BDSM/leather community as Dominants are.
I think it's great that kink has been introduced to the world in such a way as it has been. Heck, even my grandmother read it! She claims she didn't read the "spicy bits", but she blushed when she said it.
I've read the first two 50 Shades books, but more importantly I'm a sub in my marriage. And it is frightening to think of the naive women out there, thinking that they're going to find a "Christen." It's scary.
Submission, in a dynamic, not just play, is a gift to give to someone. Something you are compelled to do, because the desire runs deep within you. It is SO not just about the sex, it's about the relationship and what each of you need. Just my .02...
Like this article
haha your intro cracked me up great article
My personal opinion is that 50 Shades is a dangerous book. While it is great that it has gotten people talking about BDSM I have noticed that few people actually know what BDSM is actually about. I could easily see people getting themselves in trouble by jumping into it without having any knowledge.